Wait and See

Tomorrow is a big day for us. Chris has another MRI scheduled. This is the first one since the wreck, so he hasn’t had one in nearly 4 years unless there’s one in there somewhere that I have forgotten about. He’s been home for 2.5 years so I know he hasn’t had one in that amount of time! lol. I have mixed emotions about it. On one hand no matter what the results show it won’t change what I am doing with him. I guess I am sort of apprehensive about it though because I am afraid if it shows permanent damage in any areas I don’t want to fight discouragement. But then I tell myself that it doesn’t really matter as I continue to see improvements nearly everyday.

I hope to start him on a new schedule on Wednesday…if all goes as planned.I want to step up his home “therapy.” I have learned a lot by watching a lot of really good therapists in all three disciplines and want to start using more of what I have seen him do for them. I also have purchased several books that can help. Recently I have also read 2 books and started a 3rd one written by families who have taken care of their sons who had TBIs.They have been both encouraging and discouraging at the same time. On one hand, it is encouraging because some of these families had the same terrible diagnosis we first got with Chris – we were first told that he could never wake up and he would just be a vegetable never able to do anything but breathe and sleep. Well, they were obviously wrong! Of course by the time we left the ICU the diagnosis had changed. One of the first things I read in a support group was that the doctors do not have the final word. Certainly found that to be true. I guess what was discouraging was that most of the kids injured got better in a matter of months – not years. Oh well.. progress is progress no matter how slow.

I took Chris to the zoo today – some may have seen the pics on facebook. I chose today for two reasons. One because the weather was nice and two because the zoo is free on Mondays during the winter months. But Chris was not happy at all. He tensed up and kept his head down most of the time. It was really loud, windy and lots of people so there was lots of stimuli. He was unhappy from the time I got him out of the bed though. If I let it be, it can be very discouraging. I do all the planning and all and he responds negatively. I have to believe that there was benefit in it for him no matter how he acted. It was positive for me anyway because my daughter and grandkids were there!

For tonight – we wait. Don’t know when we will get the MRI results, but it really won’t matter ultimately.I will still have to keep trusting and moving forward. I suppose that will never stop – even when he gets better I’ll just have to keep trusting and believing- even while we wait. Here’s a picture of Chris today. We went through the drive through at Mcdonalds to get me a happy meal. Chris turned and started glaring at me! lol.. guess he wanted a bite. I explained he needs to start eating good before I can share my fries with him! lol

Another Day Done

Sorry I have not written in a long time – I stay on overload most of the time anymore and it’s difficult to write here in that kind of shape. Even though it’s my blog I am afraid that I will hurt someone’s feelings or say something that causes someone to question thier own faith. I really want this blog to be about being transparent and letting others see the struggle that life brings and that while walking through the furnace may help redefine your faith – it will not destroy it. I wonder about the 3 Hebrew children who were thrown into the fire and how it redefined thier faith. Perhaps they thought their faith would save them from the fiery furnace like we do sometimes. Of course they were determined to not bow to a fake god whether or not God stepped in to “save” them; but I wonder if they thought God would “honor” their faith and keep them from facing it altogether. Before I started through this very hot and very long journey I somehow had the notion that faith could preserve me from these types of situations. I have found first that this is not true and secondly that it is what carries me through the fire.

I have lots of thoughts going through my head and they fluctuate between total despair, utter helplessness, and complete trust all inside a few minutes (or seconds). Sometimes I figure I am just losing it…One second I am so thankful for how God has provided for this journey and the next second I am totally mad that we had to make it at all. I think all this is actually very normal for where I am. Wanna know something funny though? Just about the time I reach the bottom and I think I want to give up on God – He abandoned me after all – someone will call with a question about a scripture or faith or something and this switch inside gets turned right back on again! I find myself running right back to the word to find my own answers. Sometimes I think I am just crazy but I always run right back to the word since I honestly know no where else to run!

My son is improving slowly…still… for this I am thankful. I actually have an MRI scheduled for him for next week. I am very apprehensive. On one hand I think I may be better off not knowing what’s going on inside. I can just blindly keep pushing him and expecting performance from him. But curiosity does win out as I do want to know what I am dealing with.. what parts of the brain have sustained permanent damage and such. That way I can study more and know how to help him better….ambiguous is a good word right here! lol…

So tonight I make a committment to go for another day. Today is done (almost – gotta bolus Chris and change him before heading to bed with my kindle and a cup of camomile tea!) I have tons of thoughts going through my head but I won’t bore any readers I may have left with all of them – might be scary! I am committed to keeping up this and other blogs and I want to try to enter each night or so…I have a new committment to life…sounds funny since I have been breathing all along…but I want to live life. I’ve been working on some changes and maybe I’ll let you in on some of them as we go along. But for now – suffice it to say that I am certain that I will follow God even through the storm.