Posts Tagged hopeless

Another Day Done

Sorry I have not written in a long time – I stay on overload most of the time anymore and it’s difficult to write here in that kind of shape. Even though it’s my blog I am afraid that I will hurt someone’s feelings or say something that causes someone to question thier own faith. I really want this blog to be about being transparent and letting others see the struggle that life brings and that while walking through the furnace may help redefine your faith – it will not destroy it. I wonder about the 3 Hebrew children who were thrown into the fire and how it redefined thier faith. Perhaps they thought their faith would save them from the fiery furnace like we do sometimes. Of course they were determined to not bow to a fake god whether or not God stepped in to “save” them; but I wonder if they thought God would “honor” their faith and keep them from facing it altogether. Before I started through this very hot and very long journey I somehow had the notion that faith could preserve me from these types of situations. I have found first that this is not true and secondly that it is what carries me through the fire.

I have lots of thoughts going through my head and they fluctuate between total despair, utter helplessness, and complete trust all inside a few minutes (or seconds). Sometimes I figure I am just losing it…One second I am so thankful for how God has provided for this journey and the next second I am totally mad that we had to make it at all. I think all this is actually very normal for where I am. Wanna know something funny though? Just about the time I reach the bottom and I think I want to give up on God – He abandoned me after all – someone will call with a question about a scripture or faith or something and this switch inside gets turned right back on again! I find myself running right back to the word to find my own answers. Sometimes I think I am just crazy but I always run right back to the word since I honestly know no where else to run!

My son is improving slowly…still… for this I am thankful. I actually have an MRI scheduled for him for next week. I am very apprehensive. On one hand I think I may be better off not knowing what’s going on inside. I can just blindly keep pushing him and expecting performance from him. But curiosity does win out as I do want to know what I am dealing with.. what parts of the brain have sustained permanent damage and such. That way I can study more and know how to help him better….ambiguous is a good word right here! lol…

So tonight I make a committment to go for another day. Today is done (almost – gotta bolus Chris and change him before heading to bed with my kindle and a cup of camomile tea!) I have tons of thoughts going through my head but I won’t bore any readers I may have left with all of them – might be scary! I am committed to keeping up this and other blogs and I want to try to enter each night or so…I have a new committment to life…sounds funny since I have been breathing all along…but I want to live life. I’ve been working on some changes and maybe I’ll let you in on some of them as we go along. But for now – suffice it to say that I am certain that I will follow God even through the storm.

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At Least a Small Piece of Normal

Each day is relatively the same around here with just a few minor changes here and there. Today held a nice surprise though. Ronella came and brought Eli over for a while. I got to spend some time with her and him; and then watched him for a little bit while she ran some errands. It was great. The really fun part was when she got back. We got Chris up and took him outside.There’s a park area behind the apartments so we sat Chris there on the walkway with us and I got to play with Eli, my grandson. It was a particularly fun time. It was nearly like getting to do something normal…except with Chris sitting there in the wheelchair. But it was good too – because he was pretty relaxed and not annoyed! Moments like that make my day!

Today Chris was sleepier – but I gotta give him a day now and then since I push him so much anymore. He deserves a break from me making him move this, move that – watch this – look at that! We are both tired! lol! (for real…) But I did use his iPad to let him look at his Facebook page. He sits right up too as soon as it comes on the screen. We looked through some pictures tonight though…he wakes up and looks at them intently while I try to stay where he can’t see me – and I try to swallow enough so that he cannot hear the cracks in my voice while I am talking to him about them. I really think he remembers…but where we are doesn’t match.

For me – it’s very difficult to see the pictures of who he was and where he was…and see him as he is now. I miss his smile greatly…his voice…his jokes…I miss him so much! Somehow it seems easier to not remember the past and try to just deal with where we are today – but the memories keep nagging. As a family we have so many good and fun memories. I thoroughly enjoyed the days my kids were in band. I was really disappointed when Ronella didn’t continue in band for college. But I really did understand. She wanted to give herself to her studies uninterrupted by band practice and other requirements…But before those days – while the kids were in school I enjoyed watching them march and compete and learn music!

Maybe I am totally crazy to think I will ever get Chris back. At least the Chris we all knew. It seems so long ago – so far removed; but fresh in my mind at the same time. It’s a pain that does not go away. I work and keep my mind busy…to try to numb up. But it doesn’t always work…

Add to that the fact that I rarely get out of the house anymore and I am a boxed up mess! I’m trying to just be content with the cave. Maybe I do not deserve a social life…doing things like going to a movie…or out to eat with friends…and maybe I am just actually getting content to stay here in the cave – order everything I need for life and godliness online – and get out one day a week for a run – if I am lucky enough to have that opportunity.  I’m starting to think that this is just the life God saved me for…so I should not fight it – just sit back and make the “best” of it…

One good thing is that Chris is easier to transport now. I can get him out on occasion. He handles it better. But to be honest – it is a huge mental struggle t get myself geared up to tackle it. It’s almost always worth it to get out – but it’s so involved…And it’s really difficult to make definite plans because I cannot guess what kind of day he is going to have.

But we move on.. some days I am content to hide away here, drink coffee, write and work with Chris. Other days it feels like a prison and I am being held here. In one way it is my choice…so I figure I should just suck it up and drink another cup of coffee!

But somehow in the midst of all of the pain, the turmoil and the adversity…there is something down inside of me that says no. I will not quit until Chris comes back to some level of functioning. There’s something that just cannot let go. It’s so frustrating to see him improve so much at this stage in the game – and yet not be able to get any help with therapy and such because the progress is still so slow. I can’t really get much advice even because everyone is afraid of a law suit. And what’s really frustrating is that therapy is provided under his Medicaid stuff. But because the state pays so little no one will take the job. I have to think that they keep the pay scale set low on purpose – that way they do not have to pay for in home therapy. If only someone could come one time a week (or a month) and help me set real goals and show me how to work with Chris’ trouble areas… oh well – that will have to remain in my dreams  — along with his full recovery for now.

But I am holding out hope….he is still breathing… God healed the man at the gate Beautiful and he’d been lame for years. He was immediately strengthened and began to run and jump and praise God…I don’t know – maybe healing brain injuries expired just before November 8, 2008!… Oh well… I simply cannot stop hoping…and I have no idea why!

 

Here’s what I want to see agian:

 

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It’s Okay to Hurt

Several things happened today. First, Chris was really with it – one of his better days. I took advantage of it and tried to do some drum stuff with him. (I ordered some basic cd’s from Modern Drummer) then while I had his computer out I saw he had his testimony in his playlist. I played some of it for him. His voice sounded so great! It was really bitter sweet as it made me so glad to hear it once again…and equally as sad to not hear it coming from him…

This was the first Monda of the month and Dennis Jernigan has praise and worship live from his studio. I always try to catch this live broadcast each month. He sang a song tonight that just really expressed some of the words I could not find. I got on his site and downloaded the cd. It was written for some of his friends who lost a child. I could seriously relate to so many of the songs. And for a few minutes it was just okay to hurt.

He talks of God’s love in the night and in the storm…but isn’t it supposed to kind of come and go? This is a pain that does not ever go away. Even if I am pretty much dealing with the day – it’s just under the surface…always. I’ve said before that I cannot bury Chris and go on…yet he is here – but he’s not. I don’t even know how to deal with this. I just hurt…but you know what? It’s okay!

It’s not a pain I can seek counseling for – as there is no healing because it’s ongoing. I can’t pray it away, sing it away, hope it away…because all the hope in the world (and trust me I still have mine!) does not change today. I a realizing that sometimes I have to give myself permission to hurt. It really is okay. I’m not talking about wallowing around in self-pity or throwing a pity party (but I have thrown a few.. depressing as I am the only one to show up!! lol!) … but there comes a place where the freedom to hurt… to acknowledge the pain …has to happen. I can’t say as it makes anything any better… nothing does really…but there’s this real honesty that you have with yourself in that moment…

You feel the pain, the deep hurt and loss – a continued grief…and you allow it for that moment. It’s like telling yourself the truth…finally. And quite honestly – tonight I found it freeing… can’t really explain it. Guess the truth really does set you free! lol!

It’s like when I admit how deep the pain is – He comes closer…and His embrace…in that empty – dry -painful place — becomes the refreshing of your soul. Like He is not welcome as long as we are lying to ourselves. somehow that makes since since the Holy Spirit is the Spirit of Truth…

I think we cannot cast our cares on Him .. if we do not first admit they are there.

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Ramblings of a Broken Heart

I’m not real sure where faith went…but hopefully I will find it by the end of this post as that was pretty much my point for starting this blog to begin with. I really can’t explain where I am right now in my life…I never pictured myself as a caregiver before and certainly never (and I mean never) ever wanted to do anything in the health related world. My mom worked in it for years and I really had no interest at all…so that alone was way out of my comfort zone to begin with…

But here I am trying to be a nurse, an aide, a therapist(physical, occupational and speech)…and just a mom. And honestly I feel like I fail at all of it most of the time. All I can do is try to piece a few things together that I have learned along the way…and that’s not much.

Oh yeah, the doctor came last week…asked if I had heard anything from anyone associated with physical therapy. I said, “No.” He said, “well, that’s strange.” I said, “Not really.” I guess he thought some miracle was going to happen just because he put it in his notes this time…but I must say this- Chris is really getting better in spite of my poor knowledge and care!

He is moving more and doing more and for that I am very thankful. He keeps surprising me and in my heart I feel like we are in the spot that I just need to get everything turned back on so he can start moving. I mean, he’s pretty well awake all day now. He eats good twice a day. He’s moving his legs and arms quite a bit more and he’s moving his head around too….but as one of my friends put it “it’s bitter/sweet” yes it’s good… very good and I am very thankful…but it is also heart wrenching to be celebrating my 27-year-old son finally being able to put the spoon to his mouth, or brush his teeth a little…and honestly, I am not sure I can stand the pain much more…but I can’t stop it…and it won’t just go away…because even the moments that it’s better – one glance at my grown son drooling on himself and it all returns…and I get sucked in to this huge dark chasm of emotional nothingness…like I don’t really exist.

That’s when all the questions start – the ones that there are no answers to. And really – it’s not like God is obligated to tell me anything…or to promise me anything…or to give me anything…I’m just supposed to believe that He is out there – and serving Him is better than the options although I see no benefit for serving Him here…maybe I’m missing something

Perhaps I have committed some grave sin and this is my punishment…but wouldn’t it be better to tell me so I can fix it?

Perhaps this is something (and I teach this myself) that has eternal purpose and we just can’t see it…What kind of God is that?

Where is the Jesus that healed in the Gospels? Where are His miracles that I have spent my life being in awe of and reading about? Maybe He ran out of miracles just before 8:30 in the morning on Saturday, November 8, 2008…

Maybe the Puritans were right – He created the earth and then just sat back on His throne to see what we’d come up with down here…

What eternal purpose could God have in wasting all that he put in my son? I long to hear his voice again, argue with him, hear him sing and play again…but it’s gone…and so is my song…and I really don’t care. Why didn’t God waste me instead? And yet in a way He did…I cannot dream…what about all those things that He supposedly put inside of me? I have to lay them down…they do not exist from here…

Oh I know God is out there…He’s out there…and I suppose the advantage to serving God is all seen in the after life… it’s all out there…so why do we stress so over it here? Maybe we could just live here…wasn’t that sort of the point to begin with?

Well, I haven’t found faith yet – or hope. Just another evening typing away on totally meaningless topics trying to make a buck…what a life hey? It’s not exactly where I thought I’d be at 50 – nearly 51…but I suppose it will have to do! I’ll be free when Chris is free…

I do not know how to get out of this hole – just being honest. I’m plain tired. And it’s  a tired that won’t go away after a break – because I would still come home to see my son in a debilitated state…so there – I’m broken…

All I can do is wait and see if I am worth it to God.

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