Archive for April, 2013
I say it’s just another day, but it’s really not been too bad of a day. I finished up a work project early this morning and got started on school assignments. Sometimes I am not sure just why I am going to the expense and time to get a Masters, but I’m in too deep now. I wonder if it will do me any good or if I’ll just be paying off school loans for the rest of my life.
The last few weeks have been filled with craziness, not sure why. I have had to make several phone calls trying to get all of Chris’ supplies. Trust me when I say it’s a long story – and thank me for sparing all the details! It’s just one more hassle that really should not get so out of hand. The funny (not haha funny either) thing is that next week when they come to do the eval for Advantage they will be all concerned about me having caregivers’ burnout. The real heart of that matter is that if they would just do their job and relieve me of having to make all these crazy calls I wouldn’t be as likely to get burnout! Sheesh…
Overall my emotions seem to be a little better grounded and I have got a couple of runs in this week so far. My half marathon is Sunday and I am really excited. But before that I also get to attend a meeting with people who are organizing a 5K. It’s a really cool local ministry who really desire to make a difference. They decided to host a 5K each fall and use the profits to help a family or person in need. This year – the first year – I get to be the honoree. I’m still kind of in shock that anyone even remembered me here in the cave. It is really cool to see people actually put some effort behind what they believe instead of sitting up in church just talking about it. Here’s the link to the video that they made when they surprised me with the news. Surprise A 5K!
Chris just continues to improve slowly- all I can say is that I am thankful that he continues to improve. there are some days that are more difficult than others – but all days are difficult. I’m kind of in an interesting spot. I totally trust God has this in His hands, in His heart. But sometimes I really wonder about it all. You know the whys and what for’s. I’ve pretty much given up on all the dreams I thought I had at one time and really the most difficult part of that is the fact that I really thought He had placed those dreams in me. To watch them die – or even assist them in dying has been difficult as well. But I feel like I have to move on with whatever I have right now. We’ll see how things turn out.
It’s funny how people view me at this stage in my life. I thought I’d be a singer or songwriter, maybe even a poet or a regular old writer. I am actually working on that – even have a new website up, but people see me as a caregiver… but that’s not who I am. I’m not sure who I am anymore, but I am sure that there’s so much more to me than a caregiver.I don’t mind being a caregiver or being known that way – but I do hope some will take the time to see past that and see who I am – see my heart.
Well, another day down and I still trust Him – guess that’s a pretty good place to be!
I won’t even try to update you on everything – just suffice it to say that I will be trying to keep up with this a little better. It’s sort of irrelevant if anyone reads or not; I need it too! Writing helps me sort out my thoughts and get them all in one place and hopefully on one page.
This has been an exceptionally trying week for me. It started with a horrible wreck. I take those a lot harder since Christopher’s wreck anyway. But this one involved an officer that the whole community has been following. He had been injured trying to break up a bar fight. His neck was broken and he was slowly beginning to regain his mobility. He had therapy at Jim Thorpe where Chris goes and I had spoken with him at a couple of races. He was a very kind man and the community was behind him as he stood and took his first steps recently.But his life ended in the wreck and it hit me very hard.
Then of course the Boston Marathon bombing really got to me too. Who would have ever thought? It certainly adds a new dynamic (and one more reason to run) to the OKC Memorial marathon coming up next week. Plus the huge explosion in Texas.. my emotions were all over the place this week and once again I bottomed out.
It’s really bad when I bottom out because I go into shut down mode and can’t get my work done. But I began to sort it out this week and realized I am really battling with depression. I think it is common with caregivers; but I still have had to figure out how to function. So I am working on all that….but in the process I really learned something in a totally different arena this week.
I have talked about how I understand the love that held Christ to the cross- it’s the love that keeps the caregiver sort of imprisoned and bound to their loved one. But this week while sorting through some things I learned something else. I was thinking about how relationships have changed since that tragic day in November 2008. I was thinking about how to overcome the loneliness (also common to caregivers); how to battle depression and how to win at this race called life. In the process I was also thinking about Chris and how he can do so very little for himself.
In my thinking I was also thinking about who he was before the accident. Then my mind started to think about how I love this Chris too. Of course he can’t actually do anything for me now – he can’t throw out all those philosophical questions that would keep us up all night drinking coffee and looking for answers! He can’t share his latest lyrics or song with me. He’s not the same Chris – but I still love him.
That’s when I got it. So many times in life we love someone for what they do – not who they are. I loved Chris’ music, his humor, his thinking, etc. But it’s the love for HIM that drives me to care for him day in and day out, through thick and thin. I also thought of all the people who loved him when he was in school at NSU. I know they genuinely “loved” him. But they do not know what to do with him if he can’t do the things he was doing before.
So this made me think about how God loves us – not what we do. Maybe we can write and play songs – perhaps that’s even a gift. No problem – but that’s not what God loves about us…He loves us. He loves past our doing…
Flip Side–do we love God for what He does? Or do we love Him just because we love Him? We can measure many things by what God does especially in our western culture. If we have money,houses and cars; He has blessed us. If we have a good time at church, He “showed up”. If we are spared an inconvenience, or had a close call, He was watching out for us. These are all great “experiences” but are we loving Him solely for what He does? What if He didn’t “do” anymore? If we didn’t feel His presence, had to drive an older car, friends walk away, or we have a wreck? Job faced these things – he lost everything – literally.But he clung to God even in his darkest night. He served God because He is God, not just for what He could do.
I’ve been thinking about this over the last couple of days. I’ve also shared of my trust issues with God because before I felt like that trust had been broken. I thought God was protecting my kids and He let me down. I’m learning that trust, faith and now love have nothing to do with circumstances. Unfortunately we are taught to measure spiritual success by circumstances. Too bad for Job, huh? I want to learn more – I want to love and trust God just because I believe He is there….He already “did” stuff for me He rescued my soul from the clutches of darkness. That’s wonderful – but I’m ready to know more about Him…I want to love Him for WHO He is – not just what He does.
This has been a very trying journey…and it’s not even close to over. I figure I’ll take care of Chris until I can’t anymore then we’ll go to the nursing home together! But I have learned so much during this trial. My faith has been rewritten, love is different and I view many things (like church and friendship) much differently than ever before. I am not thankful that this has happened to my son. But I am thankful that God has continued to reveal Himself to me even as I learn about life in Him from the furnace.