Archive for September, 2013
It has seriously amazed me how God has provided for us along the way. Initially when Chris was injured, people overwhelmingly gave. I knew that there would be a day that it would slow down or stop and I began to prepare myself even while we were still staying in the hospital to work online. It took some time and patience but eventually it all opened up. There are still some who give faithfully every month – and some who don’t. I’ve also worked my backside off trying to get and keep clients and students. I was highly motivated by a statement that went something like this: tears will get you sympathy, but sweat will get you success. I decided to work rather than cry about the situation.
I guess what really got me to thinking today was the propaganda and talks about the government shut-down. Chris gets an SSI check that helps out with the rent and buys a lot of his supplies. I had this fearful thought about what I would do if he stopped getting the governmental help. I have already worked myself off foodstamps and don’t intend to ever use them again! I had this fear slip up on me today just thinking about where I’d find extra cash for the things he needs. Then I took a deep breath and thought about all the creative ways that God has provided for us on this journey. Why worry?
Of course the flip side of that is – keep working! And that’s why I am up so late tonight writing this blog. I have been setting some goals for each day and today I fell behind a bit. Some of that was because one of my clients failed to inform me of the additional work load I’d have this month. Then she all of a sudden realized she’d have to have a press report before midnight to be on schedule.. so I cranked a short one out for her. I was also distracted today. I occasionally have days where I grieve over the loss of Chris more than other days. Today was one of those days — I just miss him. Still. When the Saints game came on I was asking him if he remembered playing with the NSU band one time. They got to play the halftime show. I remember seeing some pictures – I also remember he was so excited. I wonder if he can remember stuff like that…who knows?
Anyway – I’m up because I met my goals for today including a good workout in my bedroom turned gym. But 5 comes really early so I better get to bed. I’ll just have to see if the government shutdown affects us or not tomorrow. It really won’t matter though because they are not our provider – God is!
Sometimes I don’t think people realize that the situation we live in. On one hand it’s like living in a medical emergency situation or a hospital all the time. At least a place where attention is necessary 24/7. On the other hand we are at home and we must deal with all the same issues as everyone else like keeping the lights on, having enough food or gas for the car. And add to that – I work at home. Many think that it is great and it does have some advantages. But some really don’t realize that this means I pretty much work all the time – there’s no “going home” from work. No wonder I’m tired! lol…
Well, I am really going to sleep now. But I will rest for the next few hours knowing that I am in His hands…even in the furnace.
Today was not really a bad day at all, we actually got to get out. That’s really easy to say – but not so easy to do! My friend helped me so that I could go to a surprise birthday party for my BIL. Chris did not do anything spectacular – but I can really tell he is getting better at getting in and out of the car. He mostly just sits there and listens to all the crazy talk going on. He used to sleep or what I call, “clock out” when it was too much for him. Now he does not interact he just sits real still and seems uncomfortable – but he was awake the entire time so that’s good. It sure makes me miss him though. He could have everyone laughing at nearly nothing just by the way he would tell stories. It still hurts my heart to see him sit in a social setting and not move, speak or interact. But at least we were out for a little while.
We are going to try to go out again tomorrow night to another birthday party. It’s for my friend and it’s at a restaurant. We’ll just have to see how he does. I get so apprehensive about taking him out – especially in public like that. I get nervous about parking and loading and unloading him, how difficult it will be to get him in and out of the restaurant, will people stare… etc. And it’s important to note that just because a facility complies with ADA and makes it “accessible” does not mean it really is! But it will be good to get out.
So today I worked some this morning – I do a lot of things for work. I’ll catch you up a little bit – I am a freelance writer and am working on a couple of projects right now. I also teach ESL all around the globe. This morning I got quite a lot done. As I said yesterday I am trying to get myself back on track, so this morning I worked on my writing blog. That really felt good. I also worked on some bids for a couple of projects I’m trying to secure. I’ve really had trouble the last few months keeping up with work as I have honestly fought depression. Some of the struggle is actually coming from things going so good.. sounds funny huh?
As Chris continues to improve I have less of the big chunks of time that I used to have to complete work. He is getting up earlier now which is good since I have more time to get his therapy and exercises in – but I have less time to sit at the computer. I also decided that I must get my sleep – so I do not stay up until the wee hours of the morning anymore to complete projects. I may do that occasionally, but most of the time, I figure I can only do so much – and I’ll do all I can by 10 and that’s it for the day.
So this morning I got quite a few things done and taught one English class before time to get Chris up for his “first shift.” It rained too – and I opened the windows and enjoyed the fresh air. I was talking to Chris about how I missed just sitting out on the porch and listening to it rain while having a deep philosophical question over coffee. I just keep telling him I love him – and I do love him just like he is – even though I really wish all this hadn’t happened to him. I thought about all the stuff he used to do – drums, guitar, writing music, making jokes, etc. But I don’t love him for what he can “do” – I just love him – I thought about how we tend to love people for what they do not for who they are – or not just because they are. I think I know this from another angle too — when I can do stuff for people – I am “loved” but when I can no longer do those things I can feel like I am shoved to the side and ignored.
How do we treat people? Do we love them just for what they can do for us? Maybe we love God like that too…just sayin’. Do we love Him and praise Him when He is “doing” all the right things according to our thinking? Do we rejoice only when our bank accounts are full, we are healthy, have plenty of food and things are going great in our lives? Or can we love Him just because He is- regardless of what we think He “does” for us? On the surface it seems like a very simple question with a very simple answer. But it’s not really.
Job’s wife told him to “curse God and die.” She didn’t like what she saw and she measured God by life. I want to be able to praise Him no matter what He “does” in my life. When He is silent – I want to praise Him. When He seems inactive – I want to adore Him. When He didn’t protect me like I thought He should – I still want to trust Him. Like I said – easier than it sounds.
I’ve sure been on a roller coaster the last few weeks; but I’m trying to get back on track and hopefully stay there. I got so caught up in writing for others (that’s how we keep the lights on!) that I’ve let all my stuff go. Over the last few weeks I’ve been doing some deep thinking about everything basically. I’ve come to the conclusion that life just sucks sometimes and while there are some things that I simply do not have the power to change – there are some things that I can. And so I intend to change what I can – and that usually simply means that I need to change!
One of the things I’m doing is to reevaluate everything and then set some new goals. One of those goals being to get back to maintaining my blogs. By reevaluate everything I literally mean “reevaluate everything”! One of the biggest struggles I have had other than the obvious – is the dreams that I felt like God had given me for my life – as well as the dreams Chris had. Were they really from God; if so – why have they seemingly been discarded? If not – how was I mislead into thinking that they were God-given? See how crazy my thoughts are — and I’m not sure there is a solid answer.
I can say this though – I always saw myself (God-given or not) traveling the world. I simply love to travel and experience people, cultures, foods, and just different stuff – I love seeing things I’ve never seen before or going places I’ve never been. Well that’s just not happening like I thought it would. But I have been in most major countries around the world via Skype. I even went to Malaysia today! I’ve taught in Pakistan, prayed with and had Bible study with believers in the Philippines, and witnessed to people in China – from my living room, coffee in hand while still wearing my pajamas. At least there’s no jet lag! lol —
It’s not really the way I wanted it to happen – but it’s still happening. And that’s gotta count for something even in my super over analytical mind.
I’m going to try and keep this short because I plan on becoming more regular about writing. I started the blog to share about my journey in the furnace – I can’t say “through” the furnace because there’s really no end in sight. I think that is most difficult – how can you dream or plan if you have no idea where you are going or when you might get there?
It really does take more faith in the furnace than it does to avoid it. All I can say is that no matter how crazy my mind gets – it always comes back to the fact that He is faithful. His faithfulness does not wane in the furnace or in the suffering that never seems to lessen. He is just as faithful when I am praising Him as He is when I am wondering where He went or if He exists at all.
Right now – I’m pretty up – that’s why I figured I better get myself together before I hit another slump. oh they come – there’s no reason to deny the down times or even try to avoid them – they are going to happen. The struggle is keeping myself together and not letting life get to me. That means that I am right back where I started and where I’ve always been – in pursuit of Him.
Job said something that really got stuck in my mind – “shall we accept the good and not the bad?” I’m learning that life has lots of good stuff and lots of bad stuff… but He is faithful. He never promised that we could float through life with no sorrow, pain or suffering – but He did promise that He’d be there with us while we face the stuff life throws at us…faithful as promised!