Playing Catch Up

I do not even know where to begin. We just passed the three-year mark from the date of Chris’ wreck. I have very mixed emotions about it all. On one hand I am so happy at how well he’s doing and how far he’s come; and on the other hand I still grieve the son I lost that day…and wish he could just “come back” now… I feel these types of very mixed up emotions a lot and honestly, most of the time my emotions are swelling just under the surface.

It was the same as I watched the documentary on Abby Giffords earlier this week. I love stories like that where someone defies the odds! Her tenacity is contagious! Her statement, “I will return!” rang through my being. I am so excited for her progress in this 10 months since the tragic event. And then I am sad that we have not seen the same thing with my son. I tell myself that each brain injury is very different and they all heal differently. And I also went in after her story aired and scooped Chris up in my arms and reassured him once again that I would not give up so he better get ready to work. And he’s done pretty well with a little more pushing.

I use a lot of different tactics to keep my proverbial (and natural) chin up. I really do marvel at all God has done in the last three years and how far we have come. And even though the picture doesn’t match my imagination – I choose to rejoice in every (even tiny) bit of progress that is made – in several arenas. Because even though dealing with Chris is demanding and draining – there are so many other aspects to this journey.

One of these has been trying to survive financially. ..let’s just say I haven’t missed a meal and my lights are still on! And actually, I got a bill this week for one of the x rays on my knee (the one that showed it was finally healed!!) and I just looked at it and penciled it right in to my budget….I cannot tell you how good that felt! There have been days when I would have just fallen apart and cried and slung snot (sorry for the visual) over any extra bill. I am by no means monetarily rich – but God has provided well. Oh, I have had to roll up my sleeves and burn some midnight oil — for sure — for lots of nights…but as long as He provides the work – I’ll keep working! No complaints from here.

One of my other challenges is being able to get out to do shopping – unnecessary stuff like groceries! Aids are very sporadic and I really cannot count on them to be here. Well, for one thing I am discovering that I can order almost everything online. And I am working on the remaining items to figure out how to get them too! I literally ordered toilet paper and had it delivered to my door. You know – that’s one of those little things you don’t think about – but it can have a huge impact on your day if you run out!  I had to figure out something though so that I didn’t feel trapped…and powerless…and paperless! lol!

And I am back to running – not too much because I cannot risk injury – but at least I am up and going again. You know, one quick 2 or 3 mile run and I can solve all the worlds’ problems in my head! lol! I really need the tension release and it is challenging to me. (I did win a third place medal in my last race last week!! – and yes there were more than three people in my age group!

And somewhere in the midst of what feels like constant turmoil somehow His peace reaches me…inexplainable really…but very much enjoyable and appreciated! I find myself in a state of constantly pursuing Him even though I want to run away… I do not know if that makes sense – but I understand it…

I find my soul’s peace and rest in Him event though I have so many unanswered questions running through my head and heart…I find that He is so inside me that I can’t even try to find peace anywhere else! lol! His word brings comfort even though I am frustrated with what seems like His slowness to answer. Yet I will continue to trust – and look for non-religious answers. LEt me leave you today with my scripture for the day. It’s 2 Thessalonians 3:16: May the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all!

Arguing With Myself

I am sure I am the only person around who wastes most of a day arguing with themselves, right? That’s what I have been doing all day. I hate being in a place where things are not so clear. I suppose that just being in these high pressure situations have something to do with it…I hope!

I used to hear Him so clearly, and generally except for these occasional weird spots I feel like  I still do. I feel this unction to do a cetain thing which will remain unnamed! And at first when I started arguing it I thought I was not trusting HIm…but I do not think that is the case…I think I do not trust myself! And that certainly isn’ all bad! So here it is late at night and I am still arguing inside…and waiting for my connection in Pakistan…I’m supposed to teach there via Skype here any minute.

I feel strange about that perhaps because just a short time I ago I just didn’t feel like “teaching” any more…and because the lesson He gave me is walking humbly with Him…While I was preparing two scenes came to mind. ONe was the three Hebrew children in the furnace and the other one was Joseph. The three in the fire were out in a few minutes…as best as we can tell…hotter than you know where – but it didn’t last too long.

Joseph on the other hand did not have the heat of the furnace, but sat for years…years… in prison. Not sure which is better…if either. But the point is that all parties walked humbly with God. They did not moan or whine…just humbly walked through their trial. period. selah.

I do not think I do that too well…yet. I think I whine and moan a lot! I gripe and fuss at God…and He just lets me sit. For me it seems like each day is its own furnace and they all add up to the years of captivity that Joseph had! lol!…I know if God was going to get tired… it’d be of all my questions…which are okay – when you are humble. I’m just not always humble about it!

So today I just want to be resolved that no matter what He asks me to do… I will just do it.. just suck it up and do it. Whether I trust myself or not!…how ’bout you?