Posts Tagged peace
I know I have not posted for a while, but I just needed a break I think. Sometimes I feel like sharing here is a negative and I in no way ever want to be pessimistic or have readers think that. But in reality finding faith in the midst of the furnace is not always an easy thing. And that was really why I started this blog to begin with – to share the journey of faith even from the fires of life. Honestly, there have been times when I started out writing an entry and I wasn’t too sure I would come to a point of faith by the end of it. But usually once I got started faith always seemed to appear. It’s not so easy in the day-to-day walking it out though. There are many struggles that I face mostly every day and for several reasons I decided not to share it with the world for a while. But I figure I will pick it back up and realize that each computer is equipped with a “back” button so you do not have to read if you don’t want to. But for those who need help finding perspective and faith in the midst of the furnace – I will continue to write. Perhaps I can help myself sort through to faith as well! lol.
Each day I deal with a huge range of emotions…that never stops. I can be so excited at the small bit of progress I see in Chris each day and still grieve over the son I lost. That is an ongoing battle that never ceases for me. Sometimes it is worse than others and most days I can suck it up to get through the day. But it seems like most of the time the situation casts a shadow over all of life; even other joyous occasions. But that’s just the way it is. Of course I always have the prayer that it will be different some day – any day. But my mind nags at me and seeing him sit here in a chair inactive wears on my mind and tries to convince me that there will never be a different day. I get caught between the two – not willing to give up hope yet having to deal with the day-to-day realities.
Some days are indeed better than others and there are days where Chris shows lots of progress. Those are encouraging days for sure. But how do I prepare for the future when I do not know what it might look like? I started a Master’s program online and I argue with myself while completing every lesson. Why am I doing this? I do not know that there will ever be a day where I can rejoin the “real” workforce. I am going to owe Sallie-Mae for the rest of my life. lol. – no really! Because what I really want to do when I finish this Masters in Health Education is complete one in nutrition as well. But I have this nagging why that won’t go away. Technically I have one more week to decide but I am no quitter – plus I have an A in my first class so far…
Then there is the freelance work. It’s been a blessing really to find a way to generate some income. But when my emotions get fried I just stare at the computer and can’t seem to find the energy to write on topics that mean nothing to me. But I am learning to suck it up once again and get the work done as I have this nasty habit to support – I like to eat!
Pretty much there is nothing easy in my life. This apartment sometimes feels like a prison from which there is no escape. Other times it feels more like a refuge from the rest of life. Most of the time these days I feel more like I am safe and away from having to deal with many parts of life. I want to withdraw and not worry about any type of socialization.(which doesn’t happen much anyway) I think I have finally lost the need to live a social life like “the rest of the world.” I am usually content to just sit here. But there are times when I get glimpses of life as it used to be and I miss it. Like when I hear others talking about going to a movie – or going out to eat with friends it makes this little twinge in my heart because I miss life. But since nothing can be done about it I must learn to be content where I am.
I have started paying an aid to sit with Chris a couple of times a month so I can run a race or two. But boy did that put a crunch on my budget! Now a race that is about 25 bucks costs me 75 or so when the sitter is added in. That’s put a hurt on my racing schedule let me tell you! And in those moments where I realize I am sort of trapped – it all crashes in on me again. I just want to sit and sip coffee and stare at the wall…for no reason.
Now that is all the tip of the surface of the types of emotions I have to work through every day. You see the fluctuations? That is pretty constant, only I simply gave my readers a brief overview. For real. How do I deal? I am learning once again that I must run to Him. I have to try to learn how to trust Him with my emotions. I wrote this morning in my devotion for caregivers from Matthew 11 – where Jesus bid his followers to come to Him and find rest for their souls. That’s what I am learning…that He can provide rest for my mind, will and emotions. No matter how rocky they are I can find peace in Him. Sometimes it is only for a few seconds but if I can grab that peace I can make it for a few more steps. It is certainly a journey like most that must be taken one step at a time. And for now – I will cling to Him and trust that He can help me quiet my soul so that I can rest in Him…and trust in Him one more time.
I do not even know where to begin. We just passed the three-year mark from the date of Chris’ wreck. I have very mixed emotions about it all. On one hand I am so happy at how well he’s doing and how far he’s come; and on the other hand I still grieve the son I lost that day…and wish he could just “come back” now… I feel these types of very mixed up emotions a lot and honestly, most of the time my emotions are swelling just under the surface.
It was the same as I watched the documentary on Abby Giffords earlier this week. I love stories like that where someone defies the odds! Her tenacity is contagious! Her statement, “I will return!” rang through my being. I am so excited for her progress in this 10 months since the tragic event. And then I am sad that we have not seen the same thing with my son. I tell myself that each brain injury is very different and they all heal differently. And I also went in after her story aired and scooped Chris up in my arms and reassured him once again that I would not give up so he better get ready to work. And he’s done pretty well with a little more pushing.
I use a lot of different tactics to keep my proverbial (and natural) chin up. I really do marvel at all God has done in the last three years and how far we have come. And even though the picture doesn’t match my imagination – I choose to rejoice in every (even tiny) bit of progress that is made – in several arenas. Because even though dealing with Chris is demanding and draining – there are so many other aspects to this journey.
One of these has been trying to survive financially. ..let’s just say I haven’t missed a meal and my lights are still on! And actually, I got a bill this week for one of the x rays on my knee (the one that showed it was finally healed!!) and I just looked at it and penciled it right in to my budget….I cannot tell you how good that felt! There have been days when I would have just fallen apart and cried and slung snot (sorry for the visual) over any extra bill. I am by no means monetarily rich – but God has provided well. Oh, I have had to roll up my sleeves and burn some midnight oil — for sure — for lots of nights…but as long as He provides the work – I’ll keep working! No complaints from here.
One of my other challenges is being able to get out to do shopping – unnecessary stuff like groceries! Aids are very sporadic and I really cannot count on them to be here. Well, for one thing I am discovering that I can order almost everything online. And I am working on the remaining items to figure out how to get them too! I literally ordered toilet paper and had it delivered to my door. You know – that’s one of those little things you don’t think about – but it can have a huge impact on your day if you run out! I had to figure out something though so that I didn’t feel trapped…and powerless…and paperless! lol!
And I am back to running – not too much because I cannot risk injury – but at least I am up and going again. You know, one quick 2 or 3 mile run and I can solve all the worlds’ problems in my head! lol! I really need the tension release and it is challenging to me. (I did win a third place medal in my last race last week!! – and yes there were more than three people in my age group!
And somewhere in the midst of what feels like constant turmoil somehow His peace reaches me…inexplainable really…but very much enjoyable and appreciated! I find myself in a state of constantly pursuing Him even though I want to run away… I do not know if that makes sense – but I understand it…
I find my soul’s peace and rest in Him event though I have so many unanswered questions running through my head and heart…I find that He is so inside me that I can’t even try to find peace anywhere else! lol! His word brings comfort even though I am frustrated with what seems like His slowness to answer. Yet I will continue to trust – and look for non-religious answers. LEt me leave you today with my scripture for the day. It’s 2 Thessalonians 3:16: May the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all!
I pushed Chris out on the patio so I could do a “tiny” bit of yard work. (pun intended – you’d have to see the size of my yard!)…I transplanted some herbs and pulled few weeds. Then I hooked up the weed eater and started “mowing” the yard. Lots of thoughts were going through my head but I found myself in a moment of thankfulness. I thought of all the people who made it possible for me to enjoy this moment in my yard.
Specifically, I thanked God for Connie and Randy. They did not even know me but have chosen to not only walk this path alongside me and Chris – but be friends too…and that means a lot!! Randy built the deck so that Chris could easily be pushed out into the fresh air. Connie took me to Wal-Mart on Mother’s Day and had me pick out some awesome flowers — and I enjoy their beauty every single day!!
Then, I thanked God for Tina and Steve who bought me the weed eater. I was cutting the yard using some big hedge trimmer looking thingys – like a big pair of scissors… hey you do what you gotta do! lol! It felt so good to be able to just work in the yard for a little while!
I often think of so many of the people who have been such a blessing along this troubling journey. And as my mind went back to so many who have ministered to me along the way – I just had to be thankful. And it’s not all monetary either. My friend, Mary (from Indianapolis) used to call me when Chris was still in the hospital and I was staying there with him 24/7. We would set up a time and have communion together…what a wonderful friend!
I can’t even begin to name every single blessing along the way – or even every person who has been used by God as a ministry instrument…all I can say is I am just so thankful to be right here right now. I don’t like how I got here of course! But looking at the whole journey I cannot help but be tearfully thankful.
One thing we have to remember is that this moment is not the whole. Actually this one moment we are occupying in time is such a tiny little part of the complete picture – the complete life. I need to be reminded to step back – not get too close to the picture and look at the whole again.
When we look at the whole we are reminded of His sustaining grace and His immeasurable peace. When we step back we can see how He has carried us along the way…today – I purpose to not get lost in this moment – but to rejoice in the journey’s blessings.