Archive for March, 2013
Today was a pretty good day, I think. I enrolled Chris in a transportation program here in Norman. He was approved and for very little expense they will come to the house and pick us up in the bus and take us anywhere in Norman that we want to go. They have a very nice lift and ways to secure his chair in the van for transport. We used it last week once just to get a feel for how it worked and then today we went out again. I plan on taking it about once a week for awhile since I take him in the car about once a week. As with all new experiences there are some good things and some “not-so-good” things.
The Good Points
It is really good to have a tiny piece of independence back. All I do is call the day before and tell them where I want to go, what time I want to leave and how long I want to stay. They call me back with the schedule they were able to work out. It costs a dollar for Chris each way and nothing for me – since he requires an “attendant.” I figure even though we have to wait on the curb for awhile before they get here and we have to ride around while they let other people off sometimes it’s still worth the $2 to not have to try and get Chris in and out of the car by myself! Last week we went to Wal-Mart and were able to grab a few items, this week we went to Hastings. The bus drivers have been really nice and helpful! They don’t act like it is even one bit of an inconvenience to get him in the bus and out again… I really appreciate that.
Side Note: I think I have started gaining a better hold emotionally as I literally bought nothing today! I saw a couple of books that interested me and all sorts of cool gadgets I would love to have – but didn’t purchase a thing. I had gone through a time where I sort of “bought to have.” I feel like it was because of the great loss (of my son) I had experienced and I could at least have something. Anyway I didn’t even buy a cup of coffee in the coffee shop! Hey -progress is progress – don’t knock it! lol
The Things We Don’t Think Of
The trip wears Chris out! He was not having a good day but I was not sure I could cancel the ride and the weather was great so we went anyway. He is still somewhat uneasy in the bus – but it’s a pretty bumpy ride. He is also still pretty jumpy at all the clanking that is involved in getting his chair secured. But I do think even though he was having a rough day today he did somewhat better. I had to constantly readjust him in the chair too and he kept holding his head to one side – he hasn’t done that in a long time! But he did stay awake and look around the store with me. I like that he was somewhat engaged .. so that makes it worth it to me.
I am not really used to pushing his chair around stores. It felt like we were in everybody’s way! We probably weren’t bothering most of them at all.. but I really want to stick my tongue out at people who stare. I think I will create me a “Dear Adult” T-shirt for when I take Chris out.. maybe it is partly my own inhibitions and strange feelings but it seems like they are looking at me with this “why are you bringing him here?” look. Gripes me that’s all. It’s not easy to just maneuver around the store either – it can be stressful and all I can do is hope I get used to it…
Here’s the funny part. It didn’t happen yet – but I have this fear of needing to go to the bathroom while we are out. Think about it… I can’t take Chris in with me…I can’t leave him in the hallway unattended. And I certainly cannot leave him with a total stranger while I take care of this personal business! lol! For now our trips will time-limited to ensure that I can wait until we get home! lol — the things we don’t always think about!
There has been a lot happening of late but I really do plan on continuing this blog. I think I need to do it more for me sometimes and if there are any readers you are welcome to read along. Chris’ 29th birthday is coming up this week, and it feels odd. I guess somehow 30 sounds so “old” and it feels like he’s missed so much “life.” I’m still sorting through those emotions.
This last week I came across his old video camera and watched all his videos. I really thought I would kind of fall apart and not be able to handle it. But it actually had the opposite effect. I did cry a little here and there but it was a positive experience that is best summed up by saying that I helped myself remember who he was….which did make me miss him more. But that is an everyday thing really. It’s called living grief and I have mentioned it here before. I lost my son November 8, 2008 but still have his body to care for. I cannot bury him and try to make something out of life. It’s sort of like being stuck in a prison cell with no future just a past to remember.
Overall though, things are going good. He is improving and it really helps a lot. I think he is actually starting to try which helps keep me keep pushing him every single day. He is definitely communicating in his own way and that really helps too. But I’m not going to lie – I’m tired. It’s been a very long journey with no end in sight. Honestly, I gave up on one of those instantaneous miracles long ago. Guess God ran out of them just before November 2008! lol
It does seem that I am finally kind of learning how to get it together though. I’m learning to live alone and function alone for the most part. I really don’t have a social life and quite honestly most of the time when I do get out now – I am on sensory overload and just want to come back to the safety of the cave. I’m very content with that. But I did have a great experience at the last race I ran. It was just fun. It was the first tiny piece of “social activity” that I’d had in a long time. I hung around for a few minutes with some other runners and we laughed and cut up…nearly refreshing! lol — Some of them will be at the half I’m doing this Sunday so that might actually be nice!
Over the last few years I think I have really changed in a lot of different ways. But recently I’ve realized how much my theology has undergone change. I think about faith and hope differently. I see God’s protection differently than most. There have been some times when I really wanted to shake my fist at God and “cash it all in.” (for what I don’t know *smile*) But I am beginning to realize that it really isn’t His fault that my religion was faulty! lol
I’ve gone back and read Job and meditated on it a lot. Religion told him that he must have sinned or God wouldn’t punish him with all that trouble. Of course he maintained his righteousness. I can’t say that I haven’t struggled with thoughts along those lines – if God was pleased with me…with Chris… why did all this happen? Don’t really have an answer…
I’m taking a real good look at faith and what I thought it meant. I think we may have seriously missed the mark with that one. We get really caught up on the materialistic side of things and try to measure our relationship with God through natural means. If we have things we are blessed and if we don’t we are not.
While on this note – I get really upset sometimes at facebook posts. I really do understand these kinds of posts – they say things like “we were in a bad wreck to day thank God he loves us because we could have been hurt bad.” Am I to interpret that into God doesn’t love Chris? Or they will say, “God’s grace was with us today in the wreck or we could have been seriously injured.” Was God’s grace NOT with Chris that day? I always give thanks with them and keep the questions to myself – but maybe we really need to rethink the ways we use to measure God’s grace and love in our lives. It goes way past eternity you guys.
His grace is what keeps us from spending eternity as well as the present separated from Him – His love is what compels us to come to Him – it’s what held Jesus to the cross. Just like I cannot leave my son – Jesus could not leave the cross to find a more comfortable way because love held Him in that moment. He chose to stay there and yet I am guilty of trying to squirm out of anything remotely uncomfortable…rethinking grace and mercy!
Overall, I really cannot complain. Sure I miss my son deeply everyday. But there are lots of pluses from the furnace too. My daughter has become a wonderful Christian lady and mother, I have two beautiful grandchildren (want to see pictures? lol), I’m watching her and her husband take pursuing God seriously. God has provided me so much work I can barely keep up, and I am learning to keep my eyes on Him more of the time – and staying focused…even in the furnace.