It’s been a while since I wrote here (thanks, captain obvious!). But I have a lot of things rolling around in my head and heart and I need a safe place to put them. It’s been over 10 years now since my son’s accident. I’ve been his primary caregiver at home for about eight and a half of those years. I keep thinking the grief will lessen. But it doesn’t.
For some reason this past week I have missed his voice more than usual. I just wish I could have a conversation with him again – even though I might or might not want to know what he’s really thinking. lol. On his end, it must be miserable to have a head full of words you can’t say. I assume that anyway. But it’s hard too not hearing him talk or sing.
This past weekend I decided to take him down to see the Thunder Drummers. They play out on the street before the Thunder games in OKC. I loaded him up and headed up there – thinking about how I wish I could hear him talk again. As we got closer and I began hearing the drumline my emotions surprised me once again as my eyes filled with tears.
What is this grief that doesn’t go away? Why doesn’t it get better? I know the answer is life dealt me a blow by taking my son (who he was) and leaving me his broken body to take care of. There was no funeral. There was no getting over and moving on even though I’ve adjusted to a new normal. The grip of grief just hangs on all.the.time.
So what are we supposed to do with this grief? I suppose the “right” answer is to hand it to God one.more.time. That’s really like a daily thing, though, isn’t it? Daily handing Him our cares, our worries, our frustrations, etc. is the norm. While I draw comfort from the Word daily and share it in my Daily Devotions for Caregivers blog, it doesn’t make the grief non-existant. I have go-to scriptures that I use to keep my heart in the right spot – to help me make it through the rougher days (they aren’t all this bad….)… verses like…
Casting all your care on Him and letting Him care for you (1 Peter 5:7)
God is a very present help in the time of need (Psalm 46:1)
Going back to remind myself of these and other scriptures does help me stay grounded. But they do not make the grief go away. Every day, sometimes many times a day, I have to take it to Him. He does provide the grace to help in time of need. I think for today I will be content with this thought. I may be forever in the grip of grief – but I’m also forever in the grip of His grace. Where grief tries to dig away at my heart, mind, and emotions grace is right beside with peace, calm, and the love of God to sustain.