Trying to Reign it In

My emotions run high most of the time. Any given day they can be all over the place. But hey, I’m a woman and a caregiver so there you go! I deal with a “living grief” since my son is here – but gone at the same time. So as I journey through peri-menopause and things continue to change.. I can tear up at the drop of a hat. However, I still see no point in crying since whatever you are crying about – doesn’t change just because tears fell. So why bother?

But today as I had taken Chris to therapy and had time to drive and think this last 7 years started running around in my head. This weekend is the anniversary of the wreck that took him away from us. I keep seeing the scenario over and over in my mind. I was at work and my daughter called to tell me that my son had been in a wreck and he had been mediflighted to the trauma center in Shreveport. I had no idea how extensive his injuries were but I knew if he was mediflighted it was not good. I also had no idea what the next days, weeks, months or 7 years was going to look like.

So many things have changed over this 7 years. Chris is doing good, and making some good progress, but he’s still total assistance with everything. I honestly have to ask myself if this is it. Will he be able to do much more than this? Is this what the next 7 years looks like? Do you know how old I will be in another 7 years? Is this all my life will look like…forever?

Add to these emotions the fact that I just feel so insignificant and like I really don’t fit anywhere or with anyone. I know all the shoulds– but that’s just how I feel. Sometimes the alone-ness swallows me up and I feel like I am barely alive. And just about the time I get it all together and am actually having a tiny little social life….the anniversary starts nagging away.

When is the last time I talked to Chris before the wreck? We were talking a lot back then seems like every couple of days. And having some really good conversations. Which one was the last one? Did I tell him I love you before we hung up? I usually did. I still do with my daughter….I know I sent him some money for gas about a week before. lol

what if I’d have known it was our last conversation? Would I have said anything different? I don’t know. I have tons of questions. But I’ll spare you.

I have to say this 7 years has left me in a time warp. For so long I felt like I lived in the cave. Then when I was out – I wanted to go back to its safety! lol  I have changed a lot, life has changed a lot. I don’t have time to waste with dumb stuff and I don’t put up with as much nonsense as I used to. I have learned to not sweat the small stuff… and to choose my battles wisely when I have a choice. I’ve learned a lot about me… good and bad.

Faith has been an issue too. It took me quite some time to redefine and accept a new definition of faith. I’ve shared before that I always thought of faith as what kept us safe – protected us from life’s harms. And now I realize instead it is what carries us through them not around them. Trusting in God had also been an issue – I thought He’d take care of my son since I was doing His work. Instead, I found that doing His work is taking care of the least of those among us. And now – I trust Him for every breath. I must say my faith is deeper and my trust is wider than I ever thought possible. Now I do not cling to them like a lucky charm hoping they will prevent bad things from happening. Instead I cling to them as a life preserver – that’s going to carry me on over the rocky waves.

Even though for the first few years I felt like I fell far away from God and I felt abandoned by Him, now I am so much closer and it is so much sweeter. I think the best analogy is how the crushing of a flower releases the sweet fragrance. When we cherish Him in spite of the journey, our lives will emit a fresh, beautiful fragrance that is pleasant and wholesome. I’ve been crushed and horrid fumes have come out! But now I am seeing a fresh fragrance of worship as I let go of my life and let Him reign again in my heart. A worship I haven’t experienced in a long time… or ever really.

Why? Because now in the midst of the furnace – I trust Him more. How that happened I honestly have no idea! But I am past feeling betrayed… and now I collapse in the arms of the One I love. I’m even working on a new song – the chorus will go something like this:

I’m running to Your arms of grace

arms that upheld me through it all

Grace that never runs out on me

whether I stand or whether I fall

Your grace holds me close to Your heart

so close every time I call…..

And that is where I am after 7 years.