Trying to Reign it In

My emotions run high most of the time. Any given day they can be all over the place. But hey, I’m a woman and a caregiver so there you go! I deal with a “living grief” since my son is here – but gone at the same time. So as I journey through peri-menopause and things continue to change.. I can tear up at the drop of a hat. However, I still see no point in crying since whatever you are crying about – doesn’t change just because tears fell. So why bother?

But today as I had taken Chris to therapy and had time to drive and think this last 7 years started running around in my head. This weekend is the anniversary of the wreck that took him away from us. I keep seeing the scenario over and over in my mind. I was at work and my daughter called to tell me that my son had been in a wreck and he had been mediflighted to the trauma center in Shreveport. I had no idea how extensive his injuries were but I knew if he was mediflighted it was not good. I also had no idea what the next days, weeks, months or 7 years was going to look like.

So many things have changed over this 7 years. Chris is doing good, and making some good progress, but he’s still total assistance with everything. I honestly have to ask myself if this is it. Will he be able to do much more than this? Is this what the next 7 years looks like? Do you know how old I will be in another 7 years? Is this all my life will look like…forever?

Add to these emotions the fact that I just feel so insignificant and like I really don’t fit anywhere or with anyone. I know all the shoulds– but that’s just how I feel. Sometimes the alone-ness swallows me up and I feel like I am barely alive. And just about the time I get it all together and am actually having a tiny little social life….the anniversary starts nagging away.

When is the last time I talked to Chris before the wreck? We were talking a lot back then seems like every couple of days. And having some really good conversations. Which one was the last one? Did I tell him I love you before we hung up? I usually did. I still do with my daughter….I know I sent him some money for gas about a week before. lol

what if I’d have known it was our last conversation? Would I have said anything different? I don’t know. I have tons of questions. But I’ll spare you.

I have to say this 7 years has left me in a time warp. For so long I felt like I lived in the cave. Then when I was out – I wanted to go back to its safety! lol  I have changed a lot, life has changed a lot. I don’t have time to waste with dumb stuff and I don’t put up with as much nonsense as I used to. I have learned to not sweat the small stuff… and to choose my battles wisely when I have a choice. I’ve learned a lot about me… good and bad.

Faith has been an issue too. It took me quite some time to redefine and accept a new definition of faith. I’ve shared before that I always thought of faith as what kept us safe – protected us from life’s harms. And now I realize instead it is what carries us through them not around them. Trusting in God had also been an issue – I thought He’d take care of my son since I was doing His work. Instead, I found that doing His work is taking care of the least of those among us. And now – I trust Him for every breath. I must say my faith is deeper and my trust is wider than I ever thought possible. Now I do not cling to them like a lucky charm hoping they will prevent bad things from happening. Instead I cling to them as a life preserver – that’s going to carry me on over the rocky waves.

Even though for the first few years I felt like I fell far away from God and I felt abandoned by Him, now I am so much closer and it is so much sweeter. I think the best analogy is how the crushing of a flower releases the sweet fragrance. When we cherish Him in spite of the journey, our lives will emit a fresh, beautiful fragrance that is pleasant and wholesome. I’ve been crushed and horrid fumes have come out! But now I am seeing a fresh fragrance of worship as I let go of my life and let Him reign again in my heart. A worship I haven’t experienced in a long time… or ever really.

Why? Because now in the midst of the furnace – I trust Him more. How that happened I honestly have no idea! But I am past feeling betrayed… and now I collapse in the arms of the One I love. I’m even working on a new song – the chorus will go something like this:

I’m running to Your arms of grace

arms that upheld me through it all

Grace that never runs out on me

whether I stand or whether I fall

Your grace holds me close to Your heart

so close every time I call…..

And that is where I am after 7 years.

  1. #1 by Connie on November 10, 2015 - 10:49 pm

    This particular blog encapsulated the whole journey – so powerful! Two things resonated with me personally: “Is this what my life is going to look like forever?” That question hits the bulls eye for caregivers! Also, the comparison between a lucky charm and a life preserver. That nailed it like the difference between Godly and fleshly wisdom in James where we are admonished to decide what we are going to do with our faith. Thank you for being transparent – you have no idea how much strength and understanding you send out with these articles!


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