Archive for July, 2013

From the Cave

Yeah, I know I haven’t been on here in awhile. Just been busy and running on overload. I forget how therapeutic this blog became for me. It really has given me a place to put all my crazy thoughts down and then walk away. But of course here I am once again trying to sort everything out to make something, anything, make some sort of sense. And as usual, I come up short. I don’t suppose anything will ever really make sense again.

There’s been plenty of ups and downs with Chris but overall he is really continuing to improve. We’ve had issues with a bad place that developed inside an elbow. Get this, he had a little bitty place about the size of a quarter or smaller that kept breaking open. It wasn’t deep, but it didn’t seem to want to heal. So I found out we had a “wound care clinic” here in town. Seemed perfect, right? They take Chris’ “insurance” and we could use public transportation to get there. But the third week in the place exploded and started getting larger, and larger, and then deeper and deeper. Then it got infected. Right now he is on antibiotics and it is finally showing a little bit of improvement; but still a long ways to go. This morning I am thankful that it is finally showing some signs of healing – I won’t even tell you how totally stressed out I’ve been looking at this huge hole in his arm!

And while I am so very thankful.. I have this question running around in my head — so do I tell the doctor when we go Friday about how thankful I am that God has chosen to heal his arm? Then how do I explain that God can handle healing elbows – He just doesn’t do head injuries!?!?

Enough about that…no answers – only questions here. I know that I know that I know that God heals. And actually that is what can be so frustrating! It’s a great conflict of faith.

On another front – I’m really getting used to the cave. Actually, I’m starting to prefer it. I’m losing the need to get out – except to run a few errands. I still enjoy my races and if I didn’t have to pay for sitters I think I’d try to do a race every weekend. That’s just not realistic in my present state. I would have never guessed that running would be my great escape. I don’t have to talk to anyone but I do get to experience a little bit of socialization at races. I guess that’s okay but I’m getting to the place where it is unnecessary – just convenient. The getting out, running, hanging with other runners – makes a race a great experience. I am trying to do a couple each month. But as soon as the race is over I head back to my cave. It’s become my comfort zone.

Actually, if someone volunteered to sit with Chris so I had a whole day out (no worries – those types of things just don’t happen!) I actually would not even know what to do or where to go. All those desires have vanished. I don’t really need a “social life” and can’t even conceive of what that would look like from here. I’m content in the cave…and it’s not a place that others desire to hang out…so I’m safe! lol

From my cave I can watch everyone else living their lives. They go to movies, eat out, have coffee with friends, go shopping or to the lake. I’ve pretty much lost my desire to pursue that sort of life. I now just try to make the cave the best I can make of it. I’m in the process of turning my bedroom into my own personal gym. I used to have to work at not wanting to get out. Now I have to figure out what’s “out there” that I would need. I’m content in my cave.

I think of Paul and how he said in Philippians that he was content in whatever state he was in. This is one of those the “faithers” skip. Paul said he was content whether he had little or much! He spent years locked up for committing no crime at all. Yet he was content. I really think I’m learning to just be content right here where I am. A place where I take each day that comes and face it with whatever strength He gives me. It’s like running a race – just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

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