Posts Tagged living life
I’ve been a caregiver for almost 6 years now and I’ve functioned that way in several different ways from hospitals to nursing homes, rehab hospitals and finally home. I’ll be the first to admit (as most will) that it’s not an easy job. At times I miss the BC (Before the Crash) life that I had. Being a caregiver offers no breaks, a huge loss of freedom and major changes. It can be so difficult to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Areas that were not a struggle before, are now front-and-center-in-your-face. One thing that many do not realize about caregiving is that even the bright spots can be overshadowed by the situation. It’s almost like you aren’t allowed to enjoy the pleasures of life like others, or at least not to the same degree of enjoyment. But tonight I had a great bright spot and I held on to it because I didn’t want to miss it.
My daughter and the grand-babies were here for the evening. Well, I’ve been trying to get out and walk each evening and my daughter has also started walking for health reasons. Tonight we walked through the park to the splash pad on the other side and let the grands play in the water. It was so much fun watching them run and play and giggle as they got splashed by cool water. We laughed a lot – and that was nice.
As we began walking back to the apartment my grandson took my granddaughter’s hand. I was trying to capture a picture so my daughter began pushing my son in his wheelchair. That’s not an easy task as he weighs about 150 and the chair another 80. I found myself caught between the two – my daughter in front pushing my son and my two grandchildren behind. I was listening to the children’s chatter and heard things like Eli telling Kyrie that he was the big brother and she had to stay on the pathway because he didn’t want her to fall in the icky water. In that moment I took a mental freeze-frame shot. I wanted to savor it, remember it and let it be pleasurable. It was just a perfect evening and I gave myself permission to enjoy it.
As caregivers we can get so caught up in taking care of others that we fail to miss these kinds of bright spots. Our schedules and lives can be so rigid that they shroud the pleasantries. It’s okay to enjoy some things in life; it’s not against the rules. Maybe I’m learning how to live a little bit. It’s certainly not what I had imagined, and it’s definitely not the way I had my latter years planned. But it’s okay to laugh, play and enjoy things. There’s no telling what tomorrow might bring – how well we know that – so when we have these little bright spots — hold on to them — let them be bright, don’t dim them with the gravity of the circumstances. It’s okay to live.
Sorry I have not written in a long time – I stay on overload most of the time anymore and it’s difficult to write here in that kind of shape. Even though it’s my blog I am afraid that I will hurt someone’s feelings or say something that causes someone to question thier own faith. I really want this blog to be about being transparent and letting others see the struggle that life brings and that while walking through the furnace may help redefine your faith – it will not destroy it. I wonder about the 3 Hebrew children who were thrown into the fire and how it redefined thier faith. Perhaps they thought their faith would save them from the fiery furnace like we do sometimes. Of course they were determined to not bow to a fake god whether or not God stepped in to “save” them; but I wonder if they thought God would “honor” their faith and keep them from facing it altogether. Before I started through this very hot and very long journey I somehow had the notion that faith could preserve me from these types of situations. I have found first that this is not true and secondly that it is what carries me through the fire.
I have lots of thoughts going through my head and they fluctuate between total despair, utter helplessness, and complete trust all inside a few minutes (or seconds). Sometimes I figure I am just losing it…One second I am so thankful for how God has provided for this journey and the next second I am totally mad that we had to make it at all. I think all this is actually very normal for where I am. Wanna know something funny though? Just about the time I reach the bottom and I think I want to give up on God – He abandoned me after all – someone will call with a question about a scripture or faith or something and this switch inside gets turned right back on again! I find myself running right back to the word to find my own answers. Sometimes I think I am just crazy but I always run right back to the word since I honestly know no where else to run!
My son is improving slowly…still… for this I am thankful. I actually have an MRI scheduled for him for next week. I am very apprehensive. On one hand I think I may be better off not knowing what’s going on inside. I can just blindly keep pushing him and expecting performance from him. But curiosity does win out as I do want to know what I am dealing with.. what parts of the brain have sustained permanent damage and such. That way I can study more and know how to help him better….ambiguous is a good word right here! lol…
So tonight I make a committment to go for another day. Today is done (almost – gotta bolus Chris and change him before heading to bed with my kindle and a cup of camomile tea!) I have tons of thoughts going through my head but I won’t bore any readers I may have left with all of them – might be scary! I am committed to keeping up this and other blogs and I want to try to enter each night or so…I have a new committment to life…sounds funny since I have been breathing all along…but I want to live life. I’ve been working on some changes and maybe I’ll let you in on some of them as we go along. But for now – suffice it to say that I am certain that I will follow God even through the storm.