Faith during the Storm

I know I have not posted for a while, but I just needed a break I think. Sometimes I feel like sharing here is a negative and I in no way ever want to be pessimistic or have readers think that. But in reality finding faith in the midst of the furnace is not always an easy thing. And that was really why I started this blog to begin with – to share the journey of faith even from the fires of life. Honestly, there have been times when I started out writing an entry and I wasn’t too sure I would come to a point of faith by the end of it. But usually once I got started faith always seemed to appear. It’s not so easy in the day-to-day walking it out though. There are many struggles that I face mostly every day and for several reasons I decided not to share it with the world for a while.  But I figure I will pick it back up and realize that each computer is equipped with a “back” button so you do not have to read if you don’t want to. But for those who need help finding perspective and faith in the midst of the furnace – I will continue to write. Perhaps I can help myself sort through to faith as well! lol.

Each day I deal with a huge range of emotions…that never stops. I can be so excited at the small bit of progress I see in Chris each day and still grieve over the son I lost. That is an ongoing battle that never ceases for me. Sometimes it is worse than others and most days I can suck it up to get through the day. But it seems like most of the time the situation casts a shadow over all of life; even other joyous occasions. But that’s just the way it is. Of course I always have the prayer that it will be different some day – any day. But my mind nags at me and seeing him sit here in a chair inactive wears on my mind and tries to convince me that there will never be a different day. I get caught between the two – not willing to give up hope yet having to deal with the day-to-day realities.

Some days are indeed better than others and there are days where Chris shows lots of progress. Those are encouraging days for sure. But how do I prepare for the future when I do not know what it might look like? I started a Master’s program online and I argue with myself while completing every lesson. Why am I doing this? I do not know that there will ever be a day where I can rejoin the “real” workforce. I am going to owe Sallie-Mae for the rest of my life. lol. – no really! Because what I really want to do when I finish this Masters in Health Education is complete one in nutrition as well. But I have this nagging why that won’t go away. Technically I have one more week to decide but I am no quitter – plus I have an A in my first class so far…

Then there  is the freelance work. It’s been a blessing really to find a way to generate some income. But when my emotions get fried I just stare at the computer and can’t seem to find the energy to write on topics that mean nothing to me. But I am learning to suck it up once again and get the work done as I have this nasty habit to support – I like to eat!

Pretty much there is nothing easy in my life. This apartment sometimes feels like a prison from which there is no escape. Other times it feels more like a refuge from the rest of life. Most of the time these days I feel more like I am safe and away from having to deal with many parts of life. I want to withdraw and not worry about any type of socialization.(which doesn’t happen much anyway) I think I have finally lost the need to live a social life like “the rest of the world.” I am usually content to just sit here. But there are times when I get glimpses of life as it used to be and I miss it. Like when I hear others talking about going to a movie – or going out to eat with friends it makes this little twinge in my heart because I miss life. But since nothing can be done about it I must learn to be content where I am.

I have started paying an aid to sit with Chris a couple of times a month so I can run a race or two. But boy did that put a crunch on my budget! Now a race that is about 25 bucks costs me 75 or so when the sitter is added in. That’s put a hurt on my racing schedule let me tell you! And in those moments where I realize I am sort of trapped – it all crashes in on me again. I just want to sit and sip coffee and stare at the wall…for no reason.

Now that is all the tip of the surface of the types of emotions I have to work through every day. You see the fluctuations? That is pretty constant, only I simply gave my readers a brief overview. For real. How do I deal? I am learning once again that I must run to Him. I have to try to learn how to trust Him with my emotions. I wrote this morning in my devotion for caregivers from Matthew 11 – where Jesus bid his followers to come to Him and find rest for their souls. That’s what I am learning…that He can provide rest for my mind, will and emotions. No matter how rocky they are I can find peace in Him. Sometimes it is only for a few seconds but if I can grab that peace I can make it for a few more steps. It is certainly a journey like most that must be taken one step at a time. And for now – I will cling to Him and trust that He can help me quiet my soul so that I can rest in Him…and trust in Him one more time.

Just Makes You Think…a lot…

I just finished reading a book about a little boy who fell off a tractor and the tractor ran over his head. His skull was crushed. It was written by a Mennonite woman and I marveled at her peace and sanctity as she wrote about the incident. The doctors did not think her little 5 year old would make it at all but he surprised all of them! It was an amazing story full of hope and miracles. I did not get as frustrated at reading it as I have with others in the past.

I was very happy that her son came through the ordeal with minimal disabilities. And it certainly was not an easy thing to walk through. I guess I couldn’t relate to some of it though because I have certainly had my times full of doubt. That might be why now is a good time to have read it – because I have no doubt!

They seemed to humble themselves before the Lord and just suck it up and take it in stride. I am not in any way minimizing the intense and deep pain that they went through. They just seemed to handle it all very well without all the frustrations I have! Maybe they trust Him more! Maybe that’s why their little boy was healed so much faster than Chris….who knows.

Before I went to Chicago in 2008, my mentor at the time told me that I was going to face something where I would need the gift of faith. I of course thought it would be a financial situation, especially since I was headed to Chicago and then Africa…but I have thought about her statement a lot of times of late as I look at my son and just refuse to give up. I have to wonder while everyone is shaking their heads in disbelief and I am refusing to give up or give in …do I have the “gift” of faith?  I doubt it… I’m just too stubborn to go on without my whole family being together!

Today, was just crazy. I had so much energy.. I attributed it to my recent dietary changes. But today, I just believed. I cannot really explain it and don’t really care. I just know Chris is going to be okay. It does not look like it – I still have to deal with where he is physically…but I just believe. Period.I have no reason to do otherwise. Now you may have to remind me of this post when I bottom out down the road! But for today – I am just going to believe…

Faith really doesn’t make any sense does it? But I am sure it made no sense to Noah to build a huge boat to protect his family from something he’d never seen. And it didn’t make sense for Gideon to run out into an army of trained warriors while only carrying a trumpet and a torch! Didn’t make sense to Abraham that he and Sarah could have the son of promise in their old age. Romans 4 says that he contemplated his flesh …without wavering. I really do understand a small piece of that right now. We must deal with what we see – but still believe…

Discarding the Dream

I’m not even sure where to begin. For one thing, Chris has been sick with what I call the real flu! It lasted almost exactly two weeks and it was tough getting him on through it. He still is not sleeping through the nights yet. I am hoping that this will change soon! Today he emerged wonderfully. There is always the concern when he is sick that it will be a major set back – especially for the TBI patient. But he seemed to pick right up where he left off.. which wasveryencouraging for me. I’m going to start pushing him a little tomorrow – changing up our schedule a little bit. So we’ll see how we both do with it! lol…

Many times I just can’t write. I don’t know how many readers I had to begin with – or how many – if any I have left. But it seems like I am also emerging. On one hand I am so very comfortable right here in my cave. I have learned how to do virtually everything on-line and so now I have to do very little actual shopping. I like this arrangement anyway as I never have been a big fan of shopping. Occasionally I like to head out just looking around. But as a general rule – I don’t get the point. Just go to the store, get what you need and go home! (now if I could figure out how that works online I could save myself some money!  Ha!)

I started asking family and friends to watch Chris so that I could get out a little more. There is so much that a caregiver has to deal with on any given day – but one thing we do not do well is take care of ourselves. Well after more than a year and a half of having Chris home I am finally figuring out that to take care of him properly means I must take care of my needs as well. But defining my own needs is very difficult. I think as a general rule I have never been a selfish person – always thinking about the other guy. Actually I do this to a fault but I won’t go into the deep caverns of all my erroneous ways! Suffice it to say that I am just not good at finding out my own needs. And then I am even worse at asking for help! Not a good situation – but I am in the process of changing it. And I think it is helping me in two ways. One I get out more and two my soul benefits from being taken care of – even when I have to initiate it and do it myself… still working on that one though.

So many things have happened just this month. I put together an actual book of the devotions I do for caregivers. It was really done only for a project. My friend’s ministry group in Indianapolis is putting baskets in a unit of the hospital there. The baskets are to be filled with goodies for families whose children have organ transplants. So I made the book for them to put in the baskets. I have been pretty surprised at the response I have been getting. I already need to order more books…I think that’s good…just sort of mind-boggling.

I think a lot about this journey we’ve been on now for over 3 years. I think about how God has provided each step of the way. I would prefer he just healed Chris – but since He hasn’t at least I can be so thankful for His constant provision. He has been faithful even though things do not look like I want them to yet. I am working on a leadership training course and this morning in preparation I was reading about Joseph. He is someone who had to question the dreams God gave him all those years before. As he sat in slavery and then in a prison – he had to think about how the picture wasn’t quite matching the dream. I have thought a lot about Joseph during this furnace we live in…but this morning – I thought about his dad.

Joseph had shared his dreams with his family – part of what got him in trouble with his brothers – and his dad had even interpreted it for him (through gritted teeth) — What is this dream that you have had? Shall I and your mother and your brothers actually come to bow ourselves down before you to the ground? (Genesis 37:10) Jakob had to think often about that dream after he thought Joseph was dead and gone forever…but he could never just throw it away. Perhaps we throw too many dreams away because the dream doesn’t match our circumstances. The dream didn’t even match what Jakob came to think as possible. He thought it was pretty impossible just that they would bow down before Joseph – but once he thought of him as dead – it was really impossible...but not really…only in his limited mind.

I did a paper on Dwight L Moody one time when I was at Southwestern. One of his famous statements was the world has yet to see what God can do with one man who will totally yield himself to HIm. I think that fits in here because as the situation becomes more possible in our own minds and more constricting and more limiting…we end up taking our hands off of it. We discard it – and then God can work!

So for now – I’m working on getting my hands off of what God has said…waiting on Him to do His work. I wait for Him to fulfil His promises in me, about me – in Chris, about Chris  – In Ronella, about Ronella…and so on. He is faithful no matter what I see. He is working no matter how angry I get at the situation or the picture life hands me. I really cannot do anything but trust Him; partly because none of it makes any sense any more! lol! I really have no clue – and you know I hate that. I like everything in order. I like to know where the next step is leading and how long I’ll be there. Now it may be old age – or faith – or neither…but I am just learning to wait. Period….just waiting on Him. It’s a little bit uncomfortable still — but I think it’s a good place to be.

It’s Just the Way it Is…

I know I have not written in a while, but that’s just how I am built. When I go into overload mode I shut most things down. I am sure it could be explained as some sort of survival mechanism…if anyone cared to take the time to research it. Really, I’m not too worried about it…I just know that when I am on overload and there are lots of stress factors I tend to shut down. And quite honestly, I don’t care to explain it or define it or even change it right now… there’s not enough energy to worry about it.

Lots has happened since I poured my emotions out here. I really like having the blog as it helps me sort through so many things. I’m sure that’s just the writer coming out in me. But here on the computer screen I can express most of my deepest fears, doubts, concerns, goals, achievements and hopes…and leave them here while I walk away to deal with life as it is right now. Somehow (again unexplainable) that has helped me walk some of this journey.

For my readers (if I have any left!) thanks for “listening” to me whine, gripe, praise and rejoice as I sort through this mess from the furnace. Really, sometimes I just can’t sort through the emotions. There is so much in a day that my mind has to put on hold, or maybe “mute” is a better term for it. And that’s just to get through the day. I can be very happy and rejoicing one minute and thrilled at all Chris is doing (and he’s really starting to do a lot) but then see a picture of him playing the drums and I’m sucked right back into the emotional pit. I miss him so much…

It’s difficult but I am trying to live through whatever I have on my plate today. I’m not even sure if it’s the “right” way to deal with it; but I must only look at what is before me today and try to do something productive with it. Try to push Chris one more step, push myself to get some work done (very thankful for that!), try to keep my chin up in the midst of the fire…you get the idea.

I won’t go into the gruelling details of my day and the emotional roller coaster I ride most of the time. Because that really is just about every second of every day. But I do know that I have to deal with what I see - and – do it in faith. In some ways, most ways, faith can seem very far away and unreachable. You see, even though I already live in the furnace -  that does not exempt me from other trials too. For instance, my aunt has just found out that she has cancer. After all these years of ministry – I can’t help but wonder why?  A friend has had a brain tumor removed and is struggling to get her life back on track too…I deal with the same sadness and heartache that you do every single day – from the furnace. Sometimes it seems that there is no hope…nothing gets better…until we are home. That’s what my head says. My heart won’t let me stay there too long though.

I really can’t explain what my emotions do when I think about giving up. Oh, you know I have had those moments of wanting to give up now…I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit to them. I still have moments full of despair…times I feel like I’m drowning in every sense of the word…

But I am in good company! Paul said in 2 Corinthians 1: 8 that they were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life…That was Paul? The great apostle whom God used to write 2/3 of the New Testament? And he had real life struggles? wow…And on top of that he admitted it!?! What was wrong with him?

Somehow we have attached weakness to those who admit that they struggle. We forget that to walk in faith can cause a fight! I think sometimes my biggest fight is with myself…struggling to figure out what is wrong with me…trying to figure out if I still believe.

But I always come back to a resounding Yes! There is no place to quit – not for me anyway. I don’t allow my students to say “I can’t” – but in this context I must say I just can’t…. I can’t quit, I can’t give up, I can’t stop fighting, I can’t stop believing, period. I just have to trust that God is a God of His word and He made some statements about Chris — so all I can do is wait. Well, I certainly can’t make God move any faster! lol!

I must deal with what I see today and keep pressing on toward a better day…just hoping, praying, believing…That even though for today – this is just the way it is.. and I have to deal with the today I have right now -  that there is a tomorrow out there somewhere. And it will be better…I refuse to believe anything else. Call me crazy – delusional – I don’t care….I will continue to stand in the gap for my son against all odds….it’s just the way it is…

One Step At a Time

I have a lot to think about on any given day…and many things that have to be sorted out. I think today I did okay at that. I decided that if I wanted to reach my own personal goals I was the only one who could do it! I really do not like running on the treadmill. I like to run outside but since the aides are usually a very questionable commodity I cannot rely on it. This means I have to use the treadmill…ugh! But while running, I chose to concentrate on the positives. I can monitor my speed better – push myself a little better and log lots of miles! I can run any day and every day if my poor old body can handle it. I have to keep my goals in front of me – right now it’s to run my second half marathon. That means I have to pound out some miles one way or another. (you can check out my running blog for more details www.runningwisdom.blogspot.com)

While I was running and thinking about goals I realized that this is one of the difficulties I have sometimes in this particular situation. I know the half marathon is in April and I know how I need to accelerate my mileage in order to reach that goal. But with Chris, I do not have a time frame from which to work. I have to press forward with whatever I have each day and use whatever I am given in the best way possible to reach whichever goal I can get to! This can be very frustrating to someone who likes to get things all organized. Actually in my real life, I won’t start something until it’s at least very organized in my head! So not being able to set time related and tangible goals is difficult for me when it comes to caregiving. The best I can do is take what I have and try to squeeze a little progress out!! …seems to be working right now although it is still somewhat frustrating! But I am indeed seeing progress so that keeps me going toward my (non-time-related) goals with my son!

Actually,  did somewhat better today myself. I’ve been using Facebook on Chris’ iPad to help stimulate his memory. We take  moment each evening (at least most evenings) to look through pictures. I usually have to choke back a lot of teary eyed stuff and try to keep my voice from quivering while looking at pictures of him the way he used to be. But tonight I did okay. It might have been due to his response – he was smiling as we were looking at the pictures… like he was really engaged and actually enjoying it.. . those moments sure do help me out!!

So can you put a time element on faith? On one hand I think not – Isaiah had no idea how many literal years it would be before the virgin would conceive the Christ child…But God told Abraham that his descendents would be slaves for 400 years… for me the time element can be a very heavy burden. On one hand it doesn’t matter – God promised restoration – and whenever He decides to get around to it is fine. (although I do have lots of frustrations around that point)…But on the other hand.. my days are limited. I have fewer years to live now than what I have lived and they are running out!! lol! Do I have to spend the rest of them in this prison-like setting? I mean the world needed a saviour too.. God sent Christ to die but he sent Him as a baby  and then we had to wait another 33 years for the fulfillment.

Now I know that God knows we are human…finite beings with limited time on this earth. And He even has our days written down…all of them (psalm 139). But honestly, it frustrates me to think that He seems silent to my prayers and may wait until Chris and I are both dead for us to actually realize the promise…why make it then? Why not just tell us that Chris will be whole again on the other side? Why build false hope? I really do not think that God teases us…

So it’s back to the waiting game again. No questions answered and many more generated. For today I will simply have to be content with progress I saw in my son…and for now that will have to do – but somehow there is this underlying peace that is not worried a bit! Doesn’t make much sense – but we just keep walking toward our goal – to be like Him…one step at a time. That’s all any of us can do anyway!

At Least a Small Piece of Normal

Each day is relatively the same around here with just a few minor changes here and there. Today held a nice surprise though. Ronella came and brought Eli over for a while. I got to spend some time with her and him; and then watched him for a little bit while she ran some errands. It was great. The really fun part was when she got back. We got Chris up and took him outside.There’s a park area behind the apartments so we sat Chris there on the walkway with us and I got to play with Eli, my grandson. It was a particularly fun time. It was nearly like getting to do something normal…except with Chris sitting there in the wheelchair. But it was good too – because he was pretty relaxed and not annoyed! Moments like that make my day!

Today Chris was sleepier – but I gotta give him a day now and then since I push him so much anymore. He deserves a break from me making him move this, move that – watch this – look at that! We are both tired! lol! (for real…) But I did use his iPad to let him look at his Facebook page. He sits right up too as soon as it comes on the screen. We looked through some pictures tonight though…he wakes up and looks at them intently while I try to stay where he can’t see me – and I try to swallow enough so that he cannot hear the cracks in my voice while I am talking to him about them. I really think he remembers…but where we are doesn’t match.

For me – it’s very difficult to see the pictures of who he was and where he was…and see him as he is now. I miss his smile greatly…his voice…his jokes…I miss him so much! Somehow it seems easier to not remember the past and try to just deal with where we are today – but the memories keep nagging. As a family we have so many good and fun memories. I thoroughly enjoyed the days my kids were in band. I was really disappointed when Ronella didn’t continue in band for college. But I really did understand. She wanted to give herself to her studies uninterrupted by band practice and other requirements…But before those days – while the kids were in school I enjoyed watching them march and compete and learn music!

Maybe I am totally crazy to think I will ever get Chris back. At least the Chris we all knew. It seems so long ago – so far removed; but fresh in my mind at the same time. It’s a pain that does not go away. I work and keep my mind busy…to try to numb up. But it doesn’t always work…

Add to that the fact that I rarely get out of the house anymore and I am a boxed up mess! I’m trying to just be content with the cave. Maybe I do not deserve a social life…doing things like going to a movie…or out to eat with friends…and maybe I am just actually getting content to stay here in the cave - order everything I need for life and godliness online – and get out one day a week for a run – if I am lucky enough to have that opportunity.  I’m starting to think that this is just the life God saved me for…so I should not fight it – just sit back and make the “best” of it…

One good thing is that Chris is easier to transport now. I can get him out on occasion. He handles it better. But to be honest – it is a huge mental struggle t get myself geared up to tackle it. It’s almost always worth it to get out – but it’s so involved…And it’s really difficult to make definite plans because I cannot guess what kind of day he is going to have.

But we move on.. some days I am content to hide away here, drink coffee, write and work with Chris. Other days it feels like a prison and I am being held here. In one way it is my choice…so I figure I should just suck it up and drink another cup of coffee!

But somehow in the midst of all of the pain, the turmoil and the adversity…there is something down inside of me that says no. I will not quit until Chris comes back to some level of functioning. There’s something that just cannot let go. It’s so frustrating to see him improve so much at this stage in the game – and yet not be able to get any help with therapy and such because the progress is still so slow. I can’t really get much advice even because everyone is afraid of a law suit. And what’s really frustrating is that therapy is provided under his Medicaid stuff. But because the state pays so little no one will take the job. I have to think that they keep the pay scale set low on purpose – that way they do not have to pay for in home therapy. If only someone could come one time a week (or a month) and help me set real goals and show me how to work with Chris’ trouble areas… oh well – that will have to remain in my dreams  — along with his full recovery for now.

But I am holding out hope….he is still breathing… God healed the man at the gate Beautiful and he’d been lame for years. He was immediately strengthened and began to run and jump and praise God…I don’t know – maybe healing brain injuries expired just before November 8, 2008!… Oh well… I simply cannot stop hoping…and I have no idea why!

 

Here’s what I want to see agian:

 

Getting it Together

Well, I am not really too sure that I am doing an adequate job of getting it together, but I am trying. I am seriously trying to draw back into my cave and for the most part so far – it’s working and it seems safe! I really need to refocus…but I am not sure how to do that from here. Oh sometimes I feel like I sort of have “it” all together – but that usually lasts for a brief moment! But I have been thinking about a lot of different things and somehow it seems like there is some sort of forward progress in my life…sometimes.

I’ve thought back over the last three (plus) years and this furnace that I am living in. I must say I have seen God provide even through all the adversity. As we have taken each step He has been right there providing. That is not to say that he dumped money into my bank account or anything – but I have generated a small freelance writing business that is doing pretty well. I actually have to work diligently to keep up with it. I have no complaints. My lights are on, there is food in my cabinet, we are clothed and have a vehicle. If you are aware of any parts of this journey – especially early on – you know how amazing all of that is. And of course some people have generously given… some over and over…it’s been amazing really! ….no complaints…

And Chris is still making progress. That is very good, even though it is still so very slow – there is overall improvement each day. But the improvement does not dull the constant nagging pain of knowing who he was and all he had going for him and seeing him like he is now. Nothing erases that. And that’s really what eats at me…day and night. I have to work to stay ahead of it – to keep my mind on scripture and concentrate my effort on embracing hope and faith…and that’s what can make me so tired sometimes! We’ve had these two things (hope and faith) so tied up in things we can see – we forget that they are eternal forces. They are at work outside this realm we can see – working for us toward far better goals than the physical things we can see here…

I’ve also thought a lot about people. I think about people who were large parts of my life – and are no more. People who I admittedly gave too much allegiance to and got burned… part my fault – part theirs. Some who I thought were friends only to never hear from them again. Today I thought back about when we were in the hospital and one such “friend” asked me what I needed. I told her I needed contact with people who cared and could pray for me and with me. She said she would call me every day to encourage me. I have not spoken to her since that day. Sad really…but at least there is no question in my mind now as to where she stands! lol! (you gotta laugh or it will eat you alive! ) I was also under the illusion that coming “home” to Oklahoma would help me reconnect with some of what I thought dear friendships… boy did I have some learning to do! lol!

But on the other side of things I have to think about the good relationships that have developed over the last 3 years. Some were already established and  can easily name several true friends who have continued to walk through this with me. Some of them are located in various states – but have found a way to stay connected through this whole journey. For this I am so thankful. And I must also think about the new relationships that He has given me… I have some new precious friends for which I am so thankful… both online and off. I will never make light of true friendships again…precious is the only word to describe them.

So here I am trying to get myself together to face another year of who knows what…knowing that no matter what a day brings (and I don’t take a day for granted anymore either…) He will be there with me. He will carry me through both fire and flood. Holy Spirit will comfort me – if I will sit still long enough to let Him! lol! So I am just thankful. Not for the pain, not even for the journey (honestly, I hate the journey)…but thankful that I am not alone – whether or not I can sense anyone walking with me or not… He is with me – He is my hope… and with that I can go to sleep knowing that He will see me through the night no matter how many times I have to get up with Chris – and He will see me through the day no matter what it brings….

It’s Okay to Hurt

Several things happened today. First, Chris was really with it – one of his better days. I took advantage of it and tried to do some drum stuff with him. (I ordered some basic cd’s from Modern Drummer) then while I had his computer out I saw he had his testimony in his playlist. I played some of it for him. His voice sounded so great! It was really bitter sweet as it made me so glad to hear it once again…and equally as sad to not hear it coming from him…

This was the first Monda of the month and Dennis Jernigan has praise and worship live from his studio. I always try to catch this live broadcast each month. He sang a song tonight that just really expressed some of the words I could not find. I got on his site and downloaded the cd. It was written for some of his friends who lost a child. I could seriously relate to so many of the songs. And for a few minutes it was just okay to hurt.

He talks of God’s love in the night and in the storm…but isn’t it supposed to kind of come and go? This is a pain that does not ever go away. Even if I am pretty much dealing with the day – it’s just under the surface…always. I’ve said before that I cannot bury Chris and go on…yet he is here – but he’s not. I don’t even know how to deal with this. I just hurt…but you know what? It’s okay!

It’s not a pain I can seek counseling for – as there is no healing because it’s ongoing. I can’t pray it away, sing it away, hope it away…because all the hope in the world (and trust me I still have mine!) does not change today. I a realizing that sometimes I have to give myself permission to hurt. It really is okay. I’m not talking about wallowing around in self-pity or throwing a pity party (but I have thrown a few.. depressing as I am the only one to show up!! lol!) … but there comes a place where the freedom to hurt… to acknowledge the pain …has to happen. I can’t say as it makes anything any better… nothing does really…but there’s this real honesty that you have with yourself in that moment…

You feel the pain, the deep hurt and loss – a continued grief…and you allow it for that moment. It’s like telling yourself the truth…finally. And quite honestly – tonight I found it freeing… can’t really explain it. Guess the truth really does set you free! lol!

It’s like when I admit how deep the pain is – He comes closer…and His embrace…in that empty – dry -painful place — becomes the refreshing of your soul. Like He is not welcome as long as we are lying to ourselves. somehow that makes since since the Holy Spirit is the Spirit of Truth…

I think we cannot cast our cares on Him .. if we do not first admit they are there.

Suck it Up!

Once again I seem at a loss for words. I keep wanting to get my dreamer out…but I am afraid to since I really do not know what to expect. That’s one thing that is turning out to be an essential element in life…dreaming. It’s what is missing with Chris – he has no dreams, no aspirations right now. And since I have no idea when or where or even if everything thing will ever be normal again I really am limited in what I can dream.

Oh there are lots of things going on; good things too. I cannot and would not deny those things. I have had many opportunities especially lately. And I guess if I concentrate real hard I can come up with some dreams inside those boundaries. I have had the opportunity of teaching via skype in Pakistan and now teach in an English school where I have mostly Russian and Brazillian students. Who would have guessed those opportunities would ever occur? I also get to join in services with my friends in Indiana on Sundays – that’s a real blessing…gotta love skype!!

But somehow there can be this major disconnect. My new norms are not normal to everyone else. And even the things we get to do are not done like anyone else. I guess this hits home on days like yesterday. Everyone else jumped in their vehicles and ran to my sister’s house. I planned on going but watched the weather closely. There’s no way I can stand out in rain or cold with Chris and try to get him in the car safely. I did finally get a break in the rain and we headed out. For most rain is not really a difficulty…you just move a little faster going in or coming out of the house. It’s not like that with Chris he moves slowly all the time! And even though he is getting easier and easier to transport – it is such a challenge just to go somewhere.

It’s kind of like I have this choice. I know no one can come and rescue me or make anything better…so I have to decide am I gonna have a pity party and just sit here? or am I going to suck it up and make a difference? I just have to not think about it – just get up and follow Nike’s advice – just do it!

Getting ready to go somewhere is like holding your breath on a thrilling ride at an amusement park. I have to just suck it up and do all it takes. I cannot think about anything – just get it all together and get out the door. Once I do – it’s not usually as bad as I thought. Of course some of this is because I have gotten stronger over the last 18 months and also learned a new way to get Chris out of the car when he doesn’t budge! – that happens mostly when we get home and there is literally no one here to help. Chris is worn out from the trip and offers no assistance!

I guess I kind of figured this out in my finances too. I heard a quote once that said tears will get you sympathy but sweat will bring you success. When I heard that I was even more determined to roll up my sleeves and figure out how to work. God has certainly ordered my steps and right now I’m not doing too badly. My lights are on, food on the table and the rent is paid! Why complain? Once I sucked it up and got busy working and finding work to do online – it all opened up.

My emotions are still all over the place. I have to wonder if they will ever level out. At times I can pretty much turn them off and just perform the tasks I have at hand for the day; but other times they try to get the best of me and drag me down. I cannot bear seeing Chris like this — knowing who he was and all he used to do. It’s like I get bogged down and I’m at a stand still. Grieving the loss – but can’t let go. When I crash like that it sets me to scrambling to find the off button. I like having them off more than on… it’s less distracting to my work! lol!

Don’t take me wrong – Chris is progressing and for that I am ever so thankful. He is going very fast for how far out he is.. and he’s doing more every single day. And I just hold my breath from day to day…sorting through emotions and thoughts and wondering what the next day will bring…sometimes what the next moment will bring.

It has been amazing to watch how God has supplied our needs through the last 3 years. I would have never dreamed of all the opportunities He has opened up. And I must say that I am curious as to how it will continue to unfold. I have so many ideas of things I want to do so that I am not just working for the other guys. (not that I mind!)

I know I am pretty much rambling… welcome to my head! lol! All in a nut shell I guess I’m trying to say that there comes a time in a tragic situation where you just have to suck it up and make the best of whatever you’ve got. But that never means you’ve given up hope. EAch day I face adverse circumstances and all sorts of trying choices that must be made on behalf of someone who cannot tell me what they want or need…so since he is still breathing and there is still life in his being.. I just keep hoping. Do I battle with thoughts that he will never come back? Yep – constantly. Do I believe that there is a chance Chris can come out of this…absolutely! But it’s not faithless to deal with what you see today.

So I will keep sucking it up – and pressing into one more day to see what it brings for us. Maybe one day – it will be very different. And maybe it won’t. But I will always have hope. Faith, hope and love….these three remain.

Playing Catch Up

I do not even know where to begin. We just passed the three-year mark from the date of Chris’ wreck. I have very mixed emotions about it all. On one hand I am so happy at how well he’s doing and how far he’s come; and on the other hand I still grieve the son I lost that day…and wish he could just “come back” now… I feel these types of very mixed up emotions a lot and honestly, most of the time my emotions are swelling just under the surface.

It was the same as I watched the documentary on Abby Giffords earlier this week. I love stories like that where someone defies the odds! Her tenacity is contagious! Her statement, “I will return!” rang through my being. I am so excited for her progress in this 10 months since the tragic event. And then I am sad that we have not seen the same thing with my son. I tell myself that each brain injury is very different and they all heal differently. And I also went in after her story aired and scooped Chris up in my arms and reassured him once again that I would not give up so he better get ready to work. And he’s done pretty well with a little more pushing.

I use a lot of different tactics to keep my proverbial (and natural) chin up. I really do marvel at all God has done in the last three years and how far we have come. And even though the picture doesn’t match my imagination – I choose to rejoice in every (even tiny) bit of progress that is made – in several arenas. Because even though dealing with Chris is demanding and draining – there are so many other aspects to this journey.

One of these has been trying to survive financially. ..let’s just say I haven’t missed a meal and my lights are still on! And actually, I got a bill this week for one of the x rays on my knee (the one that showed it was finally healed!!) and I just looked at it and penciled it right in to my budget….I cannot tell you how good that felt! There have been days when I would have just fallen apart and cried and slung snot (sorry for the visual) over any extra bill. I am by no means monetarily rich – but God has provided well. Oh, I have had to roll up my sleeves and burn some midnight oil — for sure — for lots of nights…but as long as He provides the work – I’ll keep working! No complaints from here.

One of my other challenges is being able to get out to do shopping – unnecessary stuff like groceries! Aids are very sporadic and I really cannot count on them to be here. Well, for one thing I am discovering that I can order almost everything online. And I am working on the remaining items to figure out how to get them too! I literally ordered toilet paper and had it delivered to my door. You know – that’s one of those little things you don’t think about – but it can have a huge impact on your day if you run out!  I had to figure out something though so that I didn’t feel trapped…and powerless…and paperless! lol!

And I am back to running – not too much because I cannot risk injury – but at least I am up and going again. You know, one quick 2 or 3 mile run and I can solve all the worlds’ problems in my head! lol! I really need the tension release and it is challenging to me. (I did win a third place medal in my last race last week!! – and yes there were more than three people in my age group!

And somewhere in the midst of what feels like constant turmoil somehow His peace reaches me…inexplainable really…but very much enjoyable and appreciated! I find myself in a state of constantly pursuing Him even though I want to run away… I do not know if that makes sense – but I understand it…

I find my soul’s peace and rest in Him event though I have so many unanswered questions running through my head and heart…I find that He is so inside me that I can’t even try to find peace anywhere else! lol! His word brings comfort even though I am frustrated with what seems like His slowness to answer. Yet I will continue to trust – and look for non-religious answers. LEt me leave you today with my scripture for the day. It’s 2 Thessalonians 3:16: May the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all!