And Just Like That…..

Talk to any caregiver and they can tell you (but probably won’t) how difficult each day can be. You just never know what you’re going to face when you get up in the morning. Of course, there’s all the basic stuff – and quite frankly, that’s enough. But throw in a run to the urgent care clinic or ER and stress levels can soar even higher. That’s how it’s been around here for me for some time now. It’s like virtually everything is all screwed up.

It can feel like you’re spending all day every day trying to figure life out. For me, I have been thinking about how confined I feel. How much “loss” I have grown accustomed to on this walk. If I get started with that line of thinking I can quickly be taken under by it all. Sometimes I can shake off those feelings of not having a “normal” life. Other times I get overwhelmed by the loss of freedom. But it’s a choice I make so I can take care of my son. And sometimes I am able to turn it around in my head and use it for incentive to work harder. If I work harder I can make more money and if I can increase my level of income I can do more, we can do more.

But today I’m just tired having my own fight with health issues and a brief stay in the hospital last week has worn me out. Some days it helps me focus – other days it drags me down into depression which is hard to get out of. But I am making it one day at a time. First of all, I’m having to learn how to take care of me. As caregivers we can forget that too easily. We are so focused on taking care of our loved one – we forget to give ourselves the same TLC. We really don’t think about it, until something happens. That’s where I’ve been for almost 2 years now.

As I come to grips with my own health issues I have to realize that in order to take care of my son – I really do have to remain focused on myself. If not for myself – for him. I tend to ignore health issues until they are much harder to manage than they would be if I just addressed them early on. So, here I am having to face some things I’ve tried to push aside for 2 years and they just grew louder until they literally got me down a time or two. I’m still in full-blown denial that I have any issues to begin with.

I say all that to say – it all adds to this tiredness. One thing people tell me is I need to “give myself credit” – I got a lot on my plate. Yeah, okay. I acknowledge I’ve got a lot on my plate – but there’s not much that can be removed from said plate. Chris is doing real good right now and his care takes more time – not a complaint in any way – just a fact. a very happy fact! He’s awake more – eats more moves more – and all that requires more action on my part. That’s wonderful – BUT – I also have to try to make a living and time runs short. So I push, and push and push to get everything done in a day…. and always come up short. That’s how it feels anyway.

Some days I look at emails from my clients and think I just can’t deal with you guys today. But that’s how I make my living and I do really like to  eat….and race. And both of those require money! lol So I talk myself into pushing through one more day.

My point is that caregivers get tired – but we can’t tell anybody. We can’t take a chance at letting anyone know how we really feel physically because we never want to think we might not be able to take care of our loved ones. So we may not eat, may not work, may not exercise – but we will take care of our loved ones. No matter how tired or rundown we feel – we are going to take care of them. So that’s how I really feel.

So yesterday, my son had to be taken in to the hospital since the home x-ray tech said Chris had pneumonia on both sides. (He didn’t – but that’s what they said) I was sitting in the waiting area of the ER and I pulled out my phone and plugged in an ear bud to listen to Worn by Tenth Avenue North. It does a fair job at describing how tired I can feel. Some days as the song describes it takes all my strength to keep on breathing… pretty much!

So I am thinking about how tired I am (yes – I was focused on my own feelings shame on me!), listening to Worn and then this phrase grabs me: I’m worn I’ve lost my will to fight…. and I got mad. I have NOT lost my will to fight. All of a sudden I’ve unplugged the song and am raring to go once again. I will never lose my will to fight. It’s funny because I’ve listened to this song a hundred times and that phrase has never grabbed me like that. It was just the jolt I needed to stand back up spiritually and say – I’m not done here!

So obviously I made it through another day and am ready to go again. I am learning to draw closer to Him and to let Him be my strength. My life hasn’t ended – it’s just way different. When I’m at my weakest point I must rely on Him to lift me up and not try to do it myself. Yes I am still a Type A – yes I am still a workaholic – yes I am still tenaciously pulling through – but He is ultimately my strength. Sometimes I have to stop and do a lot of letting.  I have to let  Him be my strength, let Him pick me up, let Him sooth my soul, and let Him bring comfort. Not always easy – but always do-able.

I have to say that on a daily basis the chorus to Worn is still my prayer and it goes like this:

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That You can mend a heart that’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise 

from the ashes of a broken life

and all that’s dead inside can be reborn

…I’m worn.

Here’s a link to the video: Worn by Tenth Avenue North. Just rest.

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