Posts Tagged waiting
I have a lot to think about on any given day…and many things that have to be sorted out. I think today I did okay at that. I decided that if I wanted to reach my own personal goals I was the only one who could do it! I really do not like running on the treadmill. I like to run outside but since the aides are usually a very questionable commodity I cannot rely on it. This means I have to use the treadmill…ugh! But while running, I chose to concentrate on the positives. I can monitor my speed better – push myself a little better and log lots of miles! I can run any day and every day if my poor old body can handle it. I have to keep my goals in front of me – right now it’s to run my second half marathon. That means I have to pound out some miles one way or another. (you can check out my running blog for more details www.runningwisdom.blogspot.com)
While I was running and thinking about goals I realized that this is one of the difficulties I have sometimes in this particular situation. I know the half marathon is in April and I know how I need to accelerate my mileage in order to reach that goal. But with Chris, I do not have a time frame from which to work. I have to press forward with whatever I have each day and use whatever I am given in the best way possible to reach whichever goal I can get to! This can be very frustrating to someone who likes to get things all organized. Actually in my real life, I won’t start something until it’s at least very organized in my head! So not being able to set time related and tangible goals is difficult for me when it comes to caregiving. The best I can do is take what I have and try to squeeze a little progress out!! …seems to be working right now although it is still somewhat frustrating! But I am indeed seeing progress so that keeps me going toward my (non-time-related) goals with my son!
Actually, did somewhat better today myself. I’ve been using Facebook on Chris’ iPad to help stimulate his memory. We take moment each evening (at least most evenings) to look through pictures. I usually have to choke back a lot of teary eyed stuff and try to keep my voice from quivering while looking at pictures of him the way he used to be. But tonight I did okay. It might have been due to his response – he was smiling as we were looking at the pictures… like he was really engaged and actually enjoying it.. . those moments sure do help me out!!
So can you put a time element on faith? On one hand I think not – Isaiah had no idea how many literal years it would be before the virgin would conceive the Christ child…But God told Abraham that his descendents would be slaves for 400 years… for me the time element can be a very heavy burden. On one hand it doesn’t matter – God promised restoration – and whenever He decides to get around to it is fine. (although I do have lots of frustrations around that point)…But on the other hand.. my days are limited. I have fewer years to live now than what I have lived and they are running out!! lol! Do I have to spend the rest of them in this prison-like setting? I mean the world needed a saviour too.. God sent Christ to die but he sent Him as a baby and then we had to wait another 33 years for the fulfillment.
Now I know that God knows we are human…finite beings with limited time on this earth. And He even has our days written down…all of them (psalm 139). But honestly, it frustrates me to think that He seems silent to my prayers and may wait until Chris and I are both dead for us to actually realize the promise…why make it then? Why not just tell us that Chris will be whole again on the other side? Why build false hope? I really do not think that God teases us…
So it’s back to the waiting game again. No questions answered and many more generated. For today I will simply have to be content with progress I saw in my son…and for now that will have to do – but somehow there is this underlying peace that is not worried a bit! Doesn’t make much sense – but we just keep walking toward our goal – to be like Him…one step at a time. That’s all any of us can do anyway!
I know I still have another day to go until I get to Monday – but as any of you who might read more than one or two entries know weekends can be a tough time. There’s no “break” in the day since the aid doesn’t come and sometimes the only voice I hear is my own. I have to be careful or I will start dreading the weekend.
Well, today was fine – really. I have more work to get done as I have added another client to my newfound “freelance writing” work I’ve been doing. And I’m making lots of changes too.. lots of them. Those who get my newsletter will know in a day or two… it’s a long story. But anyway it is going to be a little easier on my budget. But it’s keeping me busy anyway…
Chris is doing good too – that always helps. Plus I actually talked to several people on the phone today and that helps too… I’m sure Chris gets so tired of just hearing me talk. It’s kina funny and I think I am old enough to blame it on age but I talk to Chris so much that I’ve got to where I just talk all the time. Like when I am in the kitchen and he’s in the bedroom.. just keep on talkin’! Oh well….
Anyway it also helped that my nephew, Jakob, came by for a few minutes last night. He nearly go shot, but it was good that he came by! Usually I don’t have visitors in the evening and he didn’t call to say he was coming by. So when I heard my storm door open about 9 last night my first thought was “where’s my gun?” But he identified himself in time! lol! I think I may put my bo over by the door though!
The coolest thing from today was when I opened the blinds on my patio door there was a beautiful pure white flower that had opened up since I’d closed them last night! I got way too excited when I saw it! I enjoyed it all day too! I’ll share a pic…if there’s one thing I am learning, it’s to enjoy the little things like that along the way. I thought of that the other day when I was running the trail.. there are all these different kinds of flowers along the sides of the trail. They are all so different. SOme are elegant, and some are dainty. Many have vibrant colors that scream for attention, while others are more subtle and you really have to look for them to find them…and my favorite (if I wasn’t running I’d take a picture) is this real spindley stem about 2 feet tall. It’s green but bare with hardly any leaves. But at the top is this poof of beautiful purple pedals! It’s amusing and kinda pretty at the same time! .. sorry rabbitt trail…
So I was thinking today about how difficult it is sometimes to keep faith when Chris is sitting here. I see the progress and I get so excited. And really the last couple of weeks somehow seem like he’s made a lot of progress in a short time…that’s encouraging. But then I look up and he’s drooled on himself…and I lose it once again. It’s this seesaw thing that goes back and forth pretty much all day everyday. But in my thoughts today I was thinking about how at times it’s easy to believe, and other times it’s easier to let doubt creep in…but in my heart it’s much easier to believe than it is to continue in doubt…I am not sure how that works. And I know the medical professionals that work with us really don’t believe Chris is so much better. I don’t see them fighting to get him therapy even though I know he’s ready…because they don’t believe.
That’s when I wish there was some button where I could push it and God would just raise Chris up and I’d say, “Now you see?” But then if there was one, I certainly would have pushed it a long time ago…And I don’t have any driving need to prove anything to anyone really. It’s their problem honestly..while I continue to wait on Him…and I think that is still the key – even though it makes me mad sometimes…not mad to wait, mad to know it’s the key!
It’s getting late I gotta bolus Chris and then head to bed to get a little sleep before we get up at 5 and start all over again tomorrow…but the weekend is half way down. I asked Chris if he wanted to just have church with me again in the morning.. he didn’t say no! So I guess we’re on.
Here’s a pic of my “good morning” flower:
Actually for those still reading this has a very interesting story, I think. It was in the pot with the tulips that bloomed the day I moved in here. I left it because I knew it looked like a “real flower” of some sort. The lillies are gone, then the roses bloomed. After they stopped a gorgeous orange daisy came up near the edge of my garden. It’s just about done its job and I’ve been watching this bud for a long time…just waiting. Then last night it looked so pale. I wondered if there was something wrong with it and I was saddened to think it might not get to bloom… that’s why it was such a shock this morning when it was standing out there so beautifully!