Posts Tagged trusting God
Things are actually going pretty good and I’m seeing a lot of progress in Chris of late. Actually, I’ve been thinking today and looking back at some of his recent pictures and it helped me realize how much progress he’s really made in just the last few weeks. He’s interacting more and today I’m so very confident that he was saying “mom.” I was working at the computer (as usual) and he was behind me. He made a noise that sounded sort of like “mom” but I thought he was fussing because he had to cough like normal. He made the exact same sound again – I looked at him and he was looking right at me. I walked over to him to see what he might need and he did not make the sound again– pretty sure he was purposefully trying to say “mom” to get my attention. He has also been interacting more with my grandkids. They are trying to mimic some of the things I do like put his feet back up on the chair – and he’s watching them as they try to move his legs. He even kicked for them the other night… so why do I still bottom out?
I really don’t know why my emotions can just drop out and leave me stranded like they do. Over the last few months I’ve come up with some strategies to help out – like changing up my day or my plans as soon as I realize I’ve hit a wall. Today wasn’t too bad – but I just didn’t feel productive when it comes to my actual work. Tutoring is okay – I always get that done of course – it’s the writing that I get behind on and just can’t seem to keep up. There is absolutely no motivation sometimes to get things done. Today I felt so un-productive!
But then I thought about it for a while and realized that what I should really be concentrating on is all I have got done today. That helps a little. Another thing I have worked on is concentrating on working on me – I help everyone else but I forget to take care of me. I’m mostly talking exercise here. It’s the one thing that gets cut first when I’m in a time crunch but I’ve re-prioritized it. I feel some better but have a long way to go to actually be better physically.
So tonight while I was on the treadmill I was thinking about all these crazy thoughts that go through my head. I’m afraid of everything. Really. I’m afraid I’m getting Chris out too much; or that I am not getting him out enough. I’m afraid I’m pushing too hard; or not pushing him enough. I am afraid to be more social; and afraid not to be…and the crazy thoughts just run through my head. I thought of the scripture in I John 4:18 – perfect love casts out all fear. When I was in the organized religious world otherwise known as the “church” I taught that perfect love could be translated as “mature.” Mature love would be a love that is returned. When we know God loves us, and we learn to love Him back – it’s perfect, or mature. But that’s not what I was thinking about…
I have no doubt that the Word of God is true which means that if I have fear – my love for Him has not yet matured. The scripture is plain – perfect love casts out or gets rid of all fear. It doesn’t say it helps you manage fear better, or keeps fear in control. It says that when our love for Him is perfected – it runs away all fear. Now I am a logically minded person – so logically this means that if I have fear – my love is not perfected toward Him. Which raises yet more questions…
How can I trust Him again? I trust Him on some levels but can I recklessly abandon myself to Him once again? He allowed the things to happen to my son; and basically – he is gone. Unmercifully, his body is still here struggling – but he is not who he was before the wreck. Many lives changed on that day – too many to name. How can I return to trust? I know I have to start where I am – and that is not an all bad place. I totally run to Him and seek for His answers on a daily basis. I have not abandoned His word – and never will….But I honestly have trouble trusting Him with everything. It seems to me that this is precisely what messed everything up to begin with! (smile)
So for today – I don’t know how to get the fear out of my heart but as I walk through this burning furnace called life I will set my heart to understand Him more, to follow Him more closely, and to let Him cast the fear out of my heart.
Once again I seem at a loss for words. I keep wanting to get my dreamer out…but I am afraid to since I really do not know what to expect. That’s one thing that is turning out to be an essential element in life…dreaming. It’s what is missing with Chris – he has no dreams, no aspirations right now. And since I have no idea when or where or even if everything thing will ever be normal again I really am limited in what I can dream.
Oh there are lots of things going on; good things too. I cannot and would not deny those things. I have had many opportunities especially lately. And I guess if I concentrate real hard I can come up with some dreams inside those boundaries. I have had the opportunity of teaching via skype in Pakistan and now teach in an English school where I have mostly Russian and Brazillian students. Who would have guessed those opportunities would ever occur? I also get to join in services with my friends in Indiana on Sundays – that’s a real blessing…gotta love skype!!
But somehow there can be this major disconnect. My new norms are not normal to everyone else. And even the things we get to do are not done like anyone else. I guess this hits home on days like yesterday. Everyone else jumped in their vehicles and ran to my sister’s house. I planned on going but watched the weather closely. There’s no way I can stand out in rain or cold with Chris and try to get him in the car safely. I did finally get a break in the rain and we headed out. For most rain is not really a difficulty…you just move a little faster going in or coming out of the house. It’s not like that with Chris he moves slowly all the time! And even though he is getting easier and easier to transport – it is such a challenge just to go somewhere.
It’s kind of like I have this choice. I know no one can come and rescue me or make anything better…so I have to decide am I gonna have a pity party and just sit here? or am I going to suck it up and make a difference? I just have to not think about it – just get up and follow Nike’s advice – just do it!
Getting ready to go somewhere is like holding your breath on a thrilling ride at an amusement park. I have to just suck it up and do all it takes. I cannot think about anything – just get it all together and get out the door. Once I do – it’s not usually as bad as I thought. Of course some of this is because I have gotten stronger over the last 18 months and also learned a new way to get Chris out of the car when he doesn’t budge! – that happens mostly when we get home and there is literally no one here to help. Chris is worn out from the trip and offers no assistance!
I guess I kind of figured this out in my finances too. I heard a quote once that said tears will get you sympathy but sweat will bring you success. When I heard that I was even more determined to roll up my sleeves and figure out how to work. God has certainly ordered my steps and right now I’m not doing too badly. My lights are on, food on the table and the rent is paid! Why complain? Once I sucked it up and got busy working and finding work to do online – it all opened up.
My emotions are still all over the place. I have to wonder if they will ever level out. At times I can pretty much turn them off and just perform the tasks I have at hand for the day; but other times they try to get the best of me and drag me down. I cannot bear seeing Chris like this — knowing who he was and all he used to do. It’s like I get bogged down and I’m at a stand still. Grieving the loss – but can’t let go. When I crash like that it sets me to scrambling to find the off button. I like having them off more than on… it’s less distracting to my work! lol!
Don’t take me wrong – Chris is progressing and for that I am ever so thankful. He is going very fast for how far out he is.. and he’s doing more every single day. And I just hold my breath from day to day…sorting through emotions and thoughts and wondering what the next day will bring…sometimes what the next moment will bring.
It has been amazing to watch how God has supplied our needs through the last 3 years. I would have never dreamed of all the opportunities He has opened up. And I must say that I am curious as to how it will continue to unfold. I have so many ideas of things I want to do so that I am not just working for the other guys. (not that I mind!)
I know I am pretty much rambling… welcome to my head! lol! All in a nut shell I guess I’m trying to say that there comes a time in a tragic situation where you just have to suck it up and make the best of whatever you’ve got. But that never means you’ve given up hope. EAch day I face adverse circumstances and all sorts of trying choices that must be made on behalf of someone who cannot tell me what they want or need…so since he is still breathing and there is still life in his being.. I just keep hoping. Do I battle with thoughts that he will never come back? Yep – constantly. Do I believe that there is a chance Chris can come out of this…absolutely! But it’s not faithless to deal with what you see today.
So I will keep sucking it up – and pressing into one more day to see what it brings for us. Maybe one day – it will be very different. And maybe it won’t. But I will always have hope. Faith, hope and love….these three remain.
I really have no words to describe how I feel right now. And yes I know, the thought of me being speechless will really strain the imagination of those who know me best! lol! Perhaps this is one reason why I just decide to be silent. But with Chris getting better, we have been getting out a little more as you can tell by recent posts.
Today was rough. I’m not sure why except that my emotions are stretched beyond belief and there are so many demanding circumstances right now that I can barely think at all! But we took him to speech therapy today. When we got back my neighbor had taken my parking spot! I kinda took it personal. Maybe it’s because my emotions are fried and I made way too much out of it. But it sure felt like she was trying to “make a point” that the handicap spot was not just mine. The thing that made that stick out is that first there are no advantages to parking there like a ramp – it’s just a spot that makes it easier to load and unload Chris. There were actually spots closer to her apartment that she could have chosen…and I know it really doesn’t matter – but when the pain is in your heart all the time and it does not go away – little things like that just add more grief…and it gets heavier.
Then Medicaid has decided that they don’t want to pay for some of the equipment that they okayed over a year ago. Now after they approved it and then didn’t pay the company is sending me a bill. I told the guy I’ll buy a bed and they can come get everything…I figure it will work out.. but why does everything have to be so difficult? I’m just trying to take care of my son….
I know I have gotten lost in the shuffle but it sure seems like it would be nice to just stay in my four walls and not venture out any more. It’s safer here. It’s small – but I know exactly what to expect from here. Unless you have had to do all the loading and unloading you really cannot understand the emotional and physical part of it all…and I wouldn’t expect you to. But when I say “I took Chris to therapy” — it’s a simple, short phrase – but has huge implications. It makes me sigh just thinking about taking him next week again…and right now I even have help – for which I ma most thankful!!
I’m looking for faith…for hope…grace…anything really….And it all seems so far away. My life has changed forever…it is not coming back. I cannot make up the freedom I lost…
And yet there is nowhere I’d rather be right now than taking care of my son… welcome to the crazy emotions of a caregiver…the love drives us on through the dark – into the unknown…just to stand by our loved one’s side….no matter what…
I feel like I have to push Chris so he can regain some sort of independence for when I am gone. I do not want him to be a burden when I pass on out of time…a day I look forward to really (not like I want to go today though either!! lol!!)…I want to get him at least where he can function on some level for whoever may need to take care of him then…I’m human – and I am aging….it’s a fact that I must face….while I just keep looking for faith…for hope…grace…anything really…
Life is certainly no less interesting just because I live in a cave! I am realizing more and more how each decision can have such an influence on the rest of my day – and even the rest of my life. Any more it’s a moment by moment decision it seems. One thing I am thankful for is my work…it keeps me busy and it is at least something constructive!! And when it is overwhelming I do stop to return to thanksgiving for having all the work!
I guess what drags me down (or at least tries to) is that no matter how much “better” it gets…my son is still sitting here totally incapacitated. I am so very thankful for his progress to date…don’t get me wrong. But there are some aspects of the situation that do not go away even on a very good day. LIke this morning when I was mashing up a half a banana to go with his yogurt. My emotions are very divided. On one hand I can rejoice in the progress he’s made and the increased grocery bill!! lol! But then the gravity is that I am smashing up a banana for my 27-year-old son who should be asking for steak and potatoes, or offering to go grab us a burger! I feed him breakfast (which he ate really fast today – yeah for progress!) and then head to the computer to get lost in my work while he rests up until I figure out what kind of therapy we will be doing today.
It seems that it wears away at my faith…even as he gets a little better every day it sure feels like my strength and stamina get a little weaker. I’m constantly torn in holding on to His promise and having to accept the reality of the day. This is our life now.
I can’t ignore it to embrace the promise…I must do the best I can for my son every single day. And I feel a little guilty now taking advantage of his sleepy days! I let him rest more on those days because our body heals while we sleep. Then I try to catch up work, read, or nap for myself. And it always feels like I should be doing more for him…no matter what kind of day he’s having.
It’s just this vicious cycle that I call life now. It’s really nothing like I imagined I would be doing after 50 – and certainly didn’t expect this for my son. It’s funny how you raise them up and protect them and train them to handle situations and then it is all thrown away with just one miscalculation…on someone elses part…
But then the other side is that I know the Lord in a different way than ever before. When I get through writing here I’m going to do a blog to the prophetic community. Its context will be on the different ways He has revealed Himself throughout my life…and I am living in a totally different zone right now. It’s sometimes a scary zone too! lol! I fully trust Him but not in a presumptuous kind of way. I used to think my “trust” was just believing in His protection for my physical body. My trust factor stayed high as long as life went along as I thought it should…but now I understand that I cannot presume what His decisions will be concerning me, my life, or my children whom I love so much…I trust Him no matter what His decisions are.
And faith looks totally different from here as well. It’s not anything about getting…but it’s all about living. Just being in Him and waiting for HIm to reveal Himself to you in the midst of the daily walk…not the walk to Him, but the walk with HIm. It’s all about just walking out what we discover while we are hidden in Him…I’m just sorry it’s taken such a tragedy to shake me off my religious view of God and let me see Him as Creator-creation.
It’s really okay now – that my life does not look like everyone elses…as I could never see Him clearly while I kept looking through religious shaped lenses…God – out of the box!! I think I like that…
That’s what I do when I’m not real sure what to do. I am really enjoying blogging (I have three now) and I am looking at doing a couple more. Just as side notes and to generate a little extra cash. I am beginning to learn a little more about this huge information high-way that we call the Internet… you know the one thing we can no longer live without! Anyway, during these two plus years I’ve been doing a lot of exploring and I am just now kind of putting some of the pieces together. I am still kind of scared about jumping out there, I really don’t want to waste me time.
So sometimes I get another cup of coffee and stare at the computer screen…just thinking about possibilities and letting ideas (dumb ones too) run through my head. You never know when one of them may turn out to be a good one! That’s how I have spent most of today…just one more cup.
It’s been so hard to find work online and as it’s starting to come together at least a little bit – or at least make a little sense – or at least seem just a little bit possible – I just think…and take care of Chris. As he is waking up he is requiring more time and that’s really a blessing. It just means I have to be even more disciplined to get things done.
so basically, I can sit here and worry about how things might not turn out and get absolutely nothing done, or I can get in there, roll up my sleeves and give it a shot. And there I go again with my emotions…time for another cup of coffee…and more thinking!
Several things have come together for me over the last few weeks. For one, I relinquished all my dreams…I have no plans except to take care of Chris for the rest of my life. And in the process of letting go it gave me clearer possibilities from here. And I also just kinda got comfortable with me. Yeah, I’m 50 and I am just now okay with myself! How crazy is that? lol! I can’t really explain it and I won’t go into a lot of details about some recent happenings…but the end product is that I’m just cool with me. And the funny thing is…I don’t really care if anyone else is or not!
It’s taken over two years for things to start coming together. All the work type stuff and other things too. For instance after this week we will finally all be in one place for the first time since Bubba’s wreck. I had stuff here in Oklahoma, some in Louisiana and some in Chicago. This weekend I’ll get Chris’ stuff from Louisiana and we will finally be at a leveling off place…that’s how it feels anyway. I am pretty mixed emotionally on it. You know, when it all first happened I had the illusion that he’d get better and then we’d go back to our lives. I wanted to leave all his stuff just like he left it…but it has all changed…including my relinquished future views…time for another cup of coffee! lol!
It’s funny though that it’s all come together at this one point (where that is I can’t really say) and I am more secure in Him and trust God more even though I do not trust Him the same as I did before. Like, before I was trusting HIm to take care of the ones I love…I expected He would keep them physically safe from harm and He did not. I cannot trust Him in that way anymore – and at first thought He’d broken trust. Then I looked further though and saw that He protects the part of us that cannot die…our soul. The very core of our being is safe in Him So I trust Him on a much deeper level…I think I like it better. I am not presumptuous about what He is going to do or how He will do it…He really is God of my life…and I am at rest. Which only means one thing…time for another cup of coffee!
Care to join me?