Posts Tagged trust
I’m not even sure where to begin. For one thing, Chris has been sick with what I call the real flu! It lasted almost exactly two weeks and it was tough getting him on through it. He still is not sleeping through the nights yet. I am hoping that this will change soon! Today he emerged wonderfully. There is always the concern when he is sick that it will be a major set back – especially for the TBI patient. But he seemed to pick right up where he left off.. which wasveryencouraging for me. I’m going to start pushing him a little tomorrow – changing up our schedule a little bit. So we’ll see how we both do with it! lol…
Many times I just can’t write. I don’t know how many readers I had to begin with – or how many – if any I have left. But it seems like I am also emerging. On one hand I am so very comfortable right here in my cave. I have learned how to do virtually everything on-line and so now I have to do very little actual shopping. I like this arrangement anyway as I never have been a big fan of shopping. Occasionally I like to head out just looking around. But as a general rule – I don’t get the point. Just go to the store, get what you need and go home! (now if I could figure out how that works online I could save myself some money! Ha!)
I started asking family and friends to watch Chris so that I could get out a little more. There is so much that a caregiver has to deal with on any given day – but one thing we do not do well is take care of ourselves. Well after more than a year and a half of having Chris home I am finally figuring out that to take care of him properly means I must take care of my needs as well. But defining my own needs is very difficult. I think as a general rule I have never been a selfish person – always thinking about the other guy. Actually I do this to a fault but I won’t go into the deep caverns of all my erroneous ways! Suffice it to say that I am just not good at finding out my own needs. And then I am even worse at asking for help! Not a good situation – but I am in the process of changing it. And I think it is helping me in two ways. One I get out more and two my soul benefits from being taken care of – even when I have to initiate it and do it myself… still working on that one though.
So many things have happened just this month. I put together an actual book of the devotions I do for caregivers. It was really done only for a project. My friend’s ministry group in Indianapolis is putting baskets in a unit of the hospital there. The baskets are to be filled with goodies for families whose children have organ transplants. So I made the book for them to put in the baskets. I have been pretty surprised at the response I have been getting. I already need to order more books…I think that’s good…just sort of mind-boggling.
I think a lot about this journey we’ve been on now for over 3 years. I think about how God has provided each step of the way. I would prefer he just healed Chris – but since He hasn’t at least I can be so thankful for His constant provision. He has been faithful even though things do not look like I want them to yet. I am working on a leadership training course and this morning in preparation I was reading about Joseph. He is someone who had to question the dreams God gave him all those years before. As he sat in slavery and then in a prison – he had to think about how the picture wasn’t quite matching the dream. I have thought a lot about Joseph during this furnace we live in…but this morning – I thought about his dad.
Joseph had shared his dreams with his family – part of what got him in trouble with his brothers – and his dad had even interpreted it for him (through gritted teeth) — What is this dream that you have had? Shall I and your mother and your brothers actually come to bow ourselves down before you to the ground? (Genesis 37:10) Jakob had to think often about that dream after he thought Joseph was dead and gone forever…but he could never just throw it away. Perhaps we throw too many dreams away because the dream doesn’t match our circumstances. The dream didn’t even match what Jakob came to think as possible. He thought it was pretty impossible just that they would bow down before Joseph – but once he thought of him as dead – it was really impossible...but not really…only in his limited mind.
I did a paper on Dwight L Moody one time when I was at Southwestern. One of his famous statements was the world has yet to see what God can do with one man who will totally yield himself to HIm. I think that fits in here because as the situation becomes more possible in our own minds and more constricting and more limiting…we end up taking our hands off of it. We discard it – and then God can work!
So for now – I’m working on getting my hands off of what God has said…waiting on Him to do His work. I wait for Him to fulfil His promises in me, about me – in Chris, about Chris – In Ronella, about Ronella…and so on. He is faithful no matter what I see. He is working no matter how angry I get at the situation or the picture life hands me. I really cannot do anything but trust Him; partly because none of it makes any sense any more! lol! I really have no clue – and you know I hate that. I like everything in order. I like to know where the next step is leading and how long I’ll be there. Now it may be old age – or faith – or neither…but I am just learning to wait. Period….just waiting on Him. It’s a little bit uncomfortable still — but I think it’s a good place to be.
I do not even know where to begin. We just passed the three-year mark from the date of Chris’ wreck. I have very mixed emotions about it all. On one hand I am so happy at how well he’s doing and how far he’s come; and on the other hand I still grieve the son I lost that day…and wish he could just “come back” now… I feel these types of very mixed up emotions a lot and honestly, most of the time my emotions are swelling just under the surface.
It was the same as I watched the documentary on Abby Giffords earlier this week. I love stories like that where someone defies the odds! Her tenacity is contagious! Her statement, “I will return!” rang through my being. I am so excited for her progress in this 10 months since the tragic event. And then I am sad that we have not seen the same thing with my son. I tell myself that each brain injury is very different and they all heal differently. And I also went in after her story aired and scooped Chris up in my arms and reassured him once again that I would not give up so he better get ready to work. And he’s done pretty well with a little more pushing.
I use a lot of different tactics to keep my proverbial (and natural) chin up. I really do marvel at all God has done in the last three years and how far we have come. And even though the picture doesn’t match my imagination – I choose to rejoice in every (even tiny) bit of progress that is made – in several arenas. Because even though dealing with Chris is demanding and draining – there are so many other aspects to this journey.
One of these has been trying to survive financially. ..let’s just say I haven’t missed a meal and my lights are still on! And actually, I got a bill this week for one of the x rays on my knee (the one that showed it was finally healed!!) and I just looked at it and penciled it right in to my budget….I cannot tell you how good that felt! There have been days when I would have just fallen apart and cried and slung snot (sorry for the visual) over any extra bill. I am by no means monetarily rich – but God has provided well. Oh, I have had to roll up my sleeves and burn some midnight oil — for sure — for lots of nights…but as long as He provides the work – I’ll keep working! No complaints from here.
One of my other challenges is being able to get out to do shopping – unnecessary stuff like groceries! Aids are very sporadic and I really cannot count on them to be here. Well, for one thing I am discovering that I can order almost everything online. And I am working on the remaining items to figure out how to get them too! I literally ordered toilet paper and had it delivered to my door. You know – that’s one of those little things you don’t think about – but it can have a huge impact on your day if you run out! I had to figure out something though so that I didn’t feel trapped…and powerless…and paperless! lol!
And I am back to running – not too much because I cannot risk injury – but at least I am up and going again. You know, one quick 2 or 3 mile run and I can solve all the worlds’ problems in my head! lol! I really need the tension release and it is challenging to me. (I did win a third place medal in my last race last week!! – and yes there were more than three people in my age group!
And somewhere in the midst of what feels like constant turmoil somehow His peace reaches me…inexplainable really…but very much enjoyable and appreciated! I find myself in a state of constantly pursuing Him even though I want to run away… I do not know if that makes sense – but I understand it…
I find my soul’s peace and rest in Him event though I have so many unanswered questions running through my head and heart…I find that He is so inside me that I can’t even try to find peace anywhere else! lol! His word brings comfort even though I am frustrated with what seems like His slowness to answer. Yet I will continue to trust – and look for non-religious answers. LEt me leave you today with my scripture for the day. It’s 2 Thessalonians 3:16: May the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all!
I am sure I am the only person around who wastes most of a day arguing with themselves, right? That’s what I have been doing all day. I hate being in a place where things are not so clear. I suppose that just being in these high pressure situations have something to do with it…I hope!
I used to hear Him so clearly, and generally except for these occasional weird spots I feel like I still do. I feel this unction to do a cetain thing which will remain unnamed! And at first when I started arguing it I thought I was not trusting HIm…but I do not think that is the case…I think I do not trust myself! And that certainly isn’ all bad! So here it is late at night and I am still arguing inside…and waiting for my connection in Pakistan…I’m supposed to teach there via Skype here any minute.
I feel strange about that perhaps because just a short time I ago I just didn’t feel like “teaching” any more…and because the lesson He gave me is walking humbly with Him…While I was preparing two scenes came to mind. ONe was the three Hebrew children in the furnace and the other one was Joseph. The three in the fire were out in a few minutes…as best as we can tell…hotter than you know where – but it didn’t last too long.
Joseph on the other hand did not have the heat of the furnace, but sat for years…years… in prison. Not sure which is better…if either. But the point is that all parties walked humbly with God. They did not moan or whine…just humbly walked through their trial. period. selah.
I do not think I do that too well…yet. I think I whine and moan a lot! I gripe and fuss at God…and He just lets me sit. For me it seems like each day is its own furnace and they all add up to the years of captivity that Joseph had! lol!…I know if God was going to get tired… it’d be of all my questions…which are okay – when you are humble. I’m just not always humble about it!
So today I just want to be resolved that no matter what He asks me to do… I will just do it.. just suck it up and do it. Whether I trust myself or not!…how ’bout you?
I know it’s been a long time since I shared…anything…with anybody really. But tonight I am just sitting here staring at the computer screen waiting for the clock to get to 11:30 when I can bolus Chris then go to bed. I may actually get 5 hours of sleep tonight – if Chris and my knee let me! I never count on it though. I may go back to bed after I bolus him in the morning and try to catch up since the aid doesn’t come until 11:30 on Wednesday.
So I look at the paragraph and think about how many little phrases have huge stories behind them. Like my knee…a small break in the knee cap – it’s tiny and I would not believe it myself except the doctor showed it to me — more like made me look at it – she kept saying I was in denial…I would probably still deny it (yeah, guess she was right!)…if it wasn’t waking me up at night when I bend it in my sleep. I’ll sleep with the brace on for a few more nights then see if it’s better again…
And of course with a bruised/busted in some way knee cap I cannot run. I can try but the pain is excruciating! I can hobble along for a little bit before it feels like someone stabs the right side of my knee cap with an ice pick! (btw – that is the same feeling I get at night while I am trying to sleep!!) – frustrating since I used running to deal with so much of the stress. Oh well – my emotions are fried so who cares about the stress anymore?
Then there’s the aid situation.. I really cannot go into it – but anyone who has ever needed an in home aid knows the frustrations of trying to find a reliable one! Just trust me that there is a big hairy story behind it!!
But all in all there are some really good things going on right now. My friend is staying with me for a while to help with transferring Chris and all since my knee is busted. (It is really getting better by the day/week… I figure a couple more weeks and I can try to get on the treadmill for a mile or so… we’ll see… it still swells when I am up on it too much – brace or not…) It’s been good having someone around. At least I do not hear only my own voice all day now…I dread her leaving but I know the day will come….
We have been able to get Chris out about 3 or 4 times each week and he is getting so good at getting in and out of the car. One of the places we took him last week and plan to go back is Among Friends. It’s for adults who have disabilities. I was really scared to take him…but he did well and it wasn’t too bad. Just makes me have to admit my son has brain damage…but it’s a safe place.
I really cannot talk about my emotions right now.. not sure what they are doing. I am happy for the progress Chris is making… very happy. But I am also sad and living a grief over the son I have lost..very sad. My emotions totter back and forth until they wear out and I just exist….
I know that taking Chris out is also good for me – and I am trying to add that stimulus for him. (and he’s doing well…) but it is so difficult to see the stares…blank stares…and to hear the silent questions no one has courage enough to ask…struggling to get through doors, into and out of buildings and up ramps that are supposed to be handicapped accessible…the simplest things can become the greatest chore when we are out…by the time we get back I am tired…body, soul and spirit…I guess that’s where I am tonight. And I know all the right scriptures to “say”… they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength… so maybe I am not “waiting right” is what my religious mind tells me…but I don’t listen…because I don’t care… I exist.
I am not even sure where faith is in all this either. I know I keep working with Chris, for several reasons:
- I love him
- I will not give up
- he keeps getting better!
- God really did promise… even though I cannot see or feel it…and even though I have my doubts
I’m still mad at HIm (it’s no secret He knows it already! – and He’s big enough to handle my tantrums and my pity parties…) He broke a trust that I guess my religious mind has supposed… that He was watching out for my kids. And it really does leave me in fear – I do not really know if He will watch out for my daughter and grandbabies…and I do not know what I would do if anything happened to any of them…and I do not know where to put that fear…I do not know how to handle it…
Actually, I do not know how to handle a lot of stuff…or maybe I just don’t know how to handle anything anymore. I simply exist.
Well, I have 5 minutes until I can at least start the process of going to bed… should be in bed by about midnight I hope. That gives me 5 hours to be horizontal…then I will wake up and face another day. I’ll take it as it comes and appreciate the little things like the fact that we are still breathing; or that I have food to eat…it’s funny how these sorts of things can change your whole perspective on life. So many of the things I used to put so much stock into seem so trivial now…I feel trivial now…I am hoping that there will be an end someday – and I hope it’s a good one. Until then I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other one and do whatever my hands find to do….and just know that God is really out there…He exists too….
Life is certainly no less interesting just because I live in a cave! I am realizing more and more how each decision can have such an influence on the rest of my day – and even the rest of my life. Any more it’s a moment by moment decision it seems. One thing I am thankful for is my work…it keeps me busy and it is at least something constructive!! And when it is overwhelming I do stop to return to thanksgiving for having all the work!
I guess what drags me down (or at least tries to) is that no matter how much “better” it gets…my son is still sitting here totally incapacitated. I am so very thankful for his progress to date…don’t get me wrong. But there are some aspects of the situation that do not go away even on a very good day. LIke this morning when I was mashing up a half a banana to go with his yogurt. My emotions are very divided. On one hand I can rejoice in the progress he’s made and the increased grocery bill!! lol! But then the gravity is that I am smashing up a banana for my 27-year-old son who should be asking for steak and potatoes, or offering to go grab us a burger! I feed him breakfast (which he ate really fast today – yeah for progress!) and then head to the computer to get lost in my work while he rests up until I figure out what kind of therapy we will be doing today.
It seems that it wears away at my faith…even as he gets a little better every day it sure feels like my strength and stamina get a little weaker. I’m constantly torn in holding on to His promise and having to accept the reality of the day. This is our life now.
I can’t ignore it to embrace the promise…I must do the best I can for my son every single day. And I feel a little guilty now taking advantage of his sleepy days! I let him rest more on those days because our body heals while we sleep. Then I try to catch up work, read, or nap for myself. And it always feels like I should be doing more for him…no matter what kind of day he’s having.
It’s just this vicious cycle that I call life now. It’s really nothing like I imagined I would be doing after 50 – and certainly didn’t expect this for my son. It’s funny how you raise them up and protect them and train them to handle situations and then it is all thrown away with just one miscalculation…on someone elses part…
But then the other side is that I know the Lord in a different way than ever before. When I get through writing here I’m going to do a blog to the prophetic community. Its context will be on the different ways He has revealed Himself throughout my life…and I am living in a totally different zone right now. It’s sometimes a scary zone too! lol! I fully trust Him but not in a presumptuous kind of way. I used to think my “trust” was just believing in His protection for my physical body. My trust factor stayed high as long as life went along as I thought it should…but now I understand that I cannot presume what His decisions will be concerning me, my life, or my children whom I love so much…I trust Him no matter what His decisions are.
And faith looks totally different from here as well. It’s not anything about getting…but it’s all about living. Just being in Him and waiting for HIm to reveal Himself to you in the midst of the daily walk…not the walk to Him, but the walk with HIm. It’s all about just walking out what we discover while we are hidden in Him…I’m just sorry it’s taken such a tragedy to shake me off my religious view of God and let me see Him as Creator-creation.
It’s really okay now – that my life does not look like everyone elses…as I could never see Him clearly while I kept looking through religious shaped lenses…God – out of the box!! I think I like that…
It’s just so back and forth for me still. Chris is doing really well, and that always helps me – well mostly. I think it really helps but then I get overwhelmed because I’m not sure how to get him to moving. I really believe that the bruise is gone – and that’s what we were waiting on. But now to figure out how to get everything moving again – turning all those switches on…I don’t know how yet. I am ordering some more equipment tomorrow that will hopefully help a lot…but who knows?
It is so easy for me to get bogged down in the moment…whatever it has brought to the table. I can get overwhelmed by Chris’ condition, financial decisions (or juggling!), and keeping my own spiritual sanity. And honestly, the changes I see in myself can really scare me sometimes…just between you and me…
I am not sure I can exactly explain what I am feeling, but I am so wanting to know God on such a different level…in a different way than what the church has always presented…I think there’s more. And while I feel abandonded by the church (which a normal thing among caregivers I’ve found…sad) I don’t think that has anything to do with the changes.
For one thing, I have been thinking about our Bible heroes. And what I am thinking is that we read stories about them and most of the time it is one or two stories. Perhaps the ones who give more detail span even a few years. But we don’t have their whole life stories – just an isolated incident or two. But they lived whole lives. They bore children, worked the ground, saved money, helped the poor, had jobs, learned a trade…they did not build big ministries – thier ministries developed as they lived out their lives before Him…
I think instead of being so “ministry minded” that we build a system that actually excludes God – we should just live with Him…and let His love touch lives as we walk through life. I’m not sure what to do from here – but I know I gotta be different, less complicated. Faith is simple – I’m the one who makes it complex…and I want to learn to live in the simplicity that is in Christ…
It’s gotten a little crazy around here lately.Mostly beause Chris is up for more of the time. That’s a really good thing though! He seems to be tolerating being up most of the day now and stays up later at night. My struggle is getting all my work done in between our littl sporadic therapy sessions. I try to take advantage of whatever he’s giving me to work with each day.
Sometimes anymore (may not really be all that unusual…now that I think about it…)my emotions seem all over the place. I do get very excited about whatever progress Chris is making. And really, in one way I was telling the aid this morning (here name is Jeanne too ) that it seems like Chris has been improving a little faster in the last couple of weeks. Now I know at this stage of the game he’s not supposed to. Good thing we don’t live by that huh?
Pretty much all the stuff I’ve read states that they may continue to improve but the progress gets slower and slower…but Chris is starting to eat more, move more and be very vocal about things he does not like! He can actually lean himself forward in his chair to make a transfer! That’s some key muscle control coming back. (sometimes the trial there is me being patient because it does take awhile for him to accomplish this feat!)
So I am always in this constant state of back-and-forth…I’m glad he’s progressing but sad for where he is overall…I rejoice at each accomplishment but wrestle with thoughts concerning trying to “adjust” to life this way…but I can’t settle into that because I know God promised…but the waiting is eating away.. and the further out the more difficult recovery becomes… sheesh! See what I mean- this feeling of needing to adjust to this being how it is, yet never really able to accept it…the fight of faith…I suppose!
This whole struggle is causing (or helping – depending on perspective) me find a whole new me…I am changing..I long for intimacy with HIm more than anything else – even more than just getting Chris healed – I just really want to know His ways. And that can be really confusing.
Oh we think we have it all figured out, us religious folks. I was reading in Jeremiah this morning and God was telling them that He was sending calamity (Jeremiah 32) their way because they did not obey Him. So my thoughts went nuts with that- did I do something wrong to cause this calamity? Did Chris screw something up? I was all lost in the moment when I remembered Job – he was “perfect and upright” and calamity struck him. Maybe I lay somewhere in between these two extremes! lol! So there’s no answer…yet. And faith is still a fight…to be won of course!
So I am back at square one – just wanting to understand God… which seems impossible. At least until I found this other verse today. It’s in Jeremiah 9:23-24:
Thus says the Lord,
Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom,
and let not the mighty man boast of his might
let mot a rich man oast of his riches;
but let him who boasts boast in this,
that he ndersantd and knows Me…
So it is possible to know God and be fully acquainted with His ways. Boy do I have a long way to go…bu determination will cary one a long ways! Hopefully all the way to His throne!
Yeh, it was that type of crazy night. Chris slept well – so well in fact, that I didn’t sleep at all! Seriously. He was sleepy yesterday anyway and ran a fever most of the day. Then last night early – like about 8:30 he went into his mode of what I have labeled his “brain injury sleep.” He is out like – limp as a noodle, mouth open and you cannot wake him up! This time I didn’t try though.
So I got a lot of work done and decided if he needed to sleep that hard he probably really needed it. So at feeding time I just sat the stuff in there and waited for him to wake up on his own. I’m thinking that if he’s sleeping hard – his body probably needs it in the healing process. Finally about 12 he stirred. I changed him and fed him and he barely moved. Then he went right back into that deep really weird sleep again. So I stayed up and worked until after 1 o’clock this morning. Then I didn’t sleep heavy but woke up every little bit and ran to make sure he was still breathing! (they never really grow up do they? lol)
And that’s how it went until about 4 when he woke me up because he was uncomfortable. Then I crashed and when I woke up I figured that is was probably 9 or so and our whole schedule would be off for the day! …it was not even 7 yet! lol! EArlier I was like should I call the doctor? But what will I tell them? he’s sleeping weird…? That’s when I laughed at myself and wondered what I would say if I called 911! Come check my son – he’s sleeping!!!? Okay – so I had to laugh at myself.
The really good thing though is that he woke up this morning and has been really awake all day so far! He even ate a good breakfast! WEll, at least I feel better now!
Sundays are unusually difficult times for me anyway. I suppose it’s from all the years that I went to church so regularly or faithfully – not sure which anymore. So I thought about having my own service here – maybe even putting it on youtube or my broadcast site…May still plan on doing it sometime. I just miss a lot of those normal types of things so much sometimes. I have to really reel my emotion in and suppress it so it doesn’ get the best of me! I try to make the best of this cave I’m living in!!
I thought about Job again this morning and read the first couple of chapters. He was rich (I didn’t have that going for me for sure) and still lost everything. At least I’ve seen the Lord begin to restore some stuff in my life – I didn’t have much when the tragedy hit and now I have had so much I got to give some away! That’s been fun really!
I’m just kinda ready for what’s next. I have crazy dreams still – maybe it’s even the stuff I’m not dealing with because I don’t know how. I quite using skype because of all the invites to other countries…but people are asking me about going to India in my dreams now – while I try to explain to them why I cannot! I’ve had to lay all that down…and if God wants to raise it up okay- but I ain’t diggin up nothin’!
It’s simply time to keep the faith! KEep my trust focused on Him and not the circumstance… and suck it up to make another day….again.
I know I shared not long ago about how we can really only live today…but my thoughts went there again today. It was really in response to an intense missing of life…I was simply missing being able to make plans, go hiking on a beautiful day just because I wanted to and because I could…the little things like grabbing a cup of coffee with a friend or simply shopping without watching the time so closely so I can get back before the aid’s time is up.
Just before my thoughts consumed me and drug me down into the pit once again I had this crazy thought. I can only do with today what I can do today…stay with me here…
I began to look at the changes in me. I am a runner – I would have never dreamed that one up in a million years on my own. But I enjoy it and I can challenge myself with running – body, soul and spirit. It was quite the milestone when I crossed the finish line of my first half-marathon earlier this week!
I must say I have learned a lot about myself during this journey of faith. I found that in many ways I had given my “power” away and now I have relearned how to say, “no” without feeling badly about it. But I also learned that I have a softer, side – I can be a nurturer too. I always thought I was a fighter – but many times this surfaces because of trying to protect someone else. I hate to admit that the softer side is there – but I have found it. It kind of sounds like these two extremes don’t match. How can I be softer and more adamant about what I believe or feel all at the same time? I don’t know but rather than being contradictory, I am finding them complimentary…just weird I guess!
I don’t think I’m much of a musician…but I have become more of a worshipper during this process.
I am learning to enjoy cooking again. That’s something I used to do but kind of lost it over the years because of living situations.
I have discovered and am developing the writer in me. I’ve known I was a writer of sorts for a long time but never took time to work on it much…and now I make at least a small living at it!
So I have learned a lot about myself and I’m learning to accept me as I am…and one of the cool side effects of spending so much time alone is that I am not too concerned about what others think about it! They won’t be here tomorrow when I wake up with myself – I have to like me whether or not anyone else agrees! I’m pretty cool to hang out with and may just be found laughing by myself plenty of times!
This journey is not easy – I won’t kid about that. But as the fires get hotter and I have even questioned my own faith and belief systems…I have to embrace the changes and choices I’ve made…I have learned a contentment that is way different than I ever thought it could or would be.
My faith is stronger I think although it is way different. I don’t presume that God is sitting on His throne just waiting for my every whim so He can jump up and comply. I see His protection and healing of us in a very different way…and I trust Him more – but different. I have a better (more thorough)concept of time…and its constraints on our thinking and actions…and how those need to be changed to match eternity’s view…
Most of all I am learning to just take what I have today. I cannot look at this situation in its entirety. I don’t spend a lot of time even looking back as it can be overwhelming. I may use it to see how far Chris has come…but don’t let me thoughts stay there or I can get overwhelmed by the whole thing too quickly. But I can deal with today…and do the most with this little piece of time that I have. It brings a peace in a weird sort of way to only chew the bite I have right now!
So relax – take today and do the best you can with it. Jesus told us not to worry about tomorrow = it has enough trouble for itself . Once again I must say we only have today – right now – who knows what a day will bring – learn to trust Him now…tomorrow will get here soon enough.
That’s what I do when I’m not real sure what to do. I am really enjoying blogging (I have three now) and I am looking at doing a couple more. Just as side notes and to generate a little extra cash. I am beginning to learn a little more about this huge information high-way that we call the Internet… you know the one thing we can no longer live without! Anyway, during these two plus years I’ve been doing a lot of exploring and I am just now kind of putting some of the pieces together. I am still kind of scared about jumping out there, I really don’t want to waste me time.
So sometimes I get another cup of coffee and stare at the computer screen…just thinking about possibilities and letting ideas (dumb ones too) run through my head. You never know when one of them may turn out to be a good one! That’s how I have spent most of today…just one more cup.
It’s been so hard to find work online and as it’s starting to come together at least a little bit – or at least make a little sense – or at least seem just a little bit possible – I just think…and take care of Chris. As he is waking up he is requiring more time and that’s really a blessing. It just means I have to be even more disciplined to get things done.
so basically, I can sit here and worry about how things might not turn out and get absolutely nothing done, or I can get in there, roll up my sleeves and give it a shot. And there I go again with my emotions…time for another cup of coffee…and more thinking!
Several things have come together for me over the last few weeks. For one, I relinquished all my dreams…I have no plans except to take care of Chris for the rest of my life. And in the process of letting go it gave me clearer possibilities from here. And I also just kinda got comfortable with me. Yeah, I’m 50 and I am just now okay with myself! How crazy is that? lol! I can’t really explain it and I won’t go into a lot of details about some recent happenings…but the end product is that I’m just cool with me. And the funny thing is…I don’t really care if anyone else is or not!
It’s taken over two years for things to start coming together. All the work type stuff and other things too. For instance after this week we will finally all be in one place for the first time since Bubba’s wreck. I had stuff here in Oklahoma, some in Louisiana and some in Chicago. This weekend I’ll get Chris’ stuff from Louisiana and we will finally be at a leveling off place…that’s how it feels anyway. I am pretty mixed emotionally on it. You know, when it all first happened I had the illusion that he’d get better and then we’d go back to our lives. I wanted to leave all his stuff just like he left it…but it has all changed…including my relinquished future views…time for another cup of coffee! lol!
It’s funny though that it’s all come together at this one point (where that is I can’t really say) and I am more secure in Him and trust God more even though I do not trust Him the same as I did before. Like, before I was trusting HIm to take care of the ones I love…I expected He would keep them physically safe from harm and He did not. I cannot trust Him in that way anymore – and at first thought He’d broken trust. Then I looked further though and saw that He protects the part of us that cannot die…our soul. The very core of our being is safe in Him So I trust Him on a much deeper level…I think I like it better. I am not presumptuous about what He is going to do or how He will do it…He really is God of my life…and I am at rest. Which only means one thing…time for another cup of coffee!
Care to join me?