Posts Tagged transfers

Suck it Up!

Once again I seem at a loss for words. I keep wanting to get my dreamer out…but I am afraid to since I really do not know what to expect. That’s one thing that is turning out to be an essential element in life…dreaming. It’s what is missing with Chris – he has no dreams, no aspirations right now. And since I have no idea when or where or even if everything thing will ever be normal again I really am limited in what I can dream.

Oh there are lots of things going on; good things too. I cannot and would not deny those things. I have had many opportunities especially lately. And I guess if I concentrate real hard I can come up with some dreams inside those boundaries. I have had the opportunity of teaching via skype in Pakistan and now teach in an English school where I have mostly Russian and Brazillian students. Who would have guessed those opportunities would ever occur? I also get to join in services with my friends in Indiana on Sundays – that’s a real blessing…gotta love skype!!

But somehow there can be this major disconnect. My new norms are not normal to everyone else. And even the things we get to do are not done like anyone else. I guess this hits home on days like yesterday. Everyone else jumped in their vehicles and ran to my sister’s house. I planned on going but watched the weather closely. There’s no way I can stand out in rain or cold with Chris and try to get him in the car safely. I did finally get a break in the rain and we headed out. For most rain is not really a difficulty…you just move a little faster going in or coming out of the house. It’s not like that with Chris he moves slowly all the time! And even though he is getting easier and easier to transport – it is such a challenge just to go somewhere.

It’s kind of like I have this choice. I know no one can come and rescue me or make anything better…so I have to decide am I gonna have a pity party and just sit here? or am I going to suck it up and make a difference? I just have to not think about it – just get up and follow Nike’s advice – just do it!

Getting ready to go somewhere is like holding your breath on a thrilling ride at an amusement park. I have to just suck it up and do all it takes. I cannot think about anything – just get it all together and get out the door. Once I do – it’s not usually as bad as I thought. Of course some of this is because I have gotten stronger over the last 18 months and also learned a new way to get Chris out of the car when he doesn’t budge! – that happens mostly when we get home and there is literally no one here to help. Chris is worn out from the trip and offers no assistance!

I guess I kind of figured this out in my finances too. I heard a quote once that said tears will get you sympathy but sweat will bring you success. When I heard that I was even more determined to roll up my sleeves and figure out how to work. God has certainly ordered my steps and right now I’m not doing too badly. My lights are on, food on the table and the rent is paid! Why complain? Once I sucked it up and got busy working and finding work to do online – it all opened up.

My emotions are still all over the place. I have to wonder if they will ever level out. At times I can pretty much turn them off and just perform the tasks I have at hand for the day; but other times they try to get the best of me and drag me down. I cannot bear seeing Chris like this — knowing who he was and all he used to do. It’s like I get bogged down and I’m at a stand still. Grieving the loss – but can’t let go. When I crash like that it sets me to scrambling to find the off button. I like having them off more than on… it’s less distracting to my work! lol!

Don’t take me wrong – Chris is progressing and for that I am ever so thankful. He is going very fast for how far out he is.. and he’s doing more every single day. And I just hold my breath from day to day…sorting through emotions and thoughts and wondering what the next day will bring…sometimes what the next moment will bring.

It has been amazing to watch how God has supplied our needs through the last 3 years. I would have never dreamed of all the opportunities He has opened up. And I must say that I am curious as to how it will continue to unfold. I have so many ideas of things I want to do so that I am not just working for the other guys. (not that I mind!)

I know I am pretty much rambling… welcome to my head! lol! All in a nut shell I guess I’m trying to say that there comes a time in a tragic situation where you just have to suck it up and make the best of whatever you’ve got. But that never means you’ve given up hope. EAch day I face adverse circumstances and all sorts of trying choices that must be made on behalf of someone who cannot tell me what they want or need…so since he is still breathing and there is still life in his being.. I just keep hoping. Do I battle with thoughts that he will never come back? Yep – constantly. Do I believe that there is a chance Chris can come out of this…absolutely! But it’s not faithless to deal with what you see today.

So I will keep sucking it up – and pressing into one more day to see what it brings for us. Maybe one day – it will be very different. And maybe it won’t. But I will always have hope. Faith, hope and love….these three remain.

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It’s Safer in the Cave

I really have no words to describe how I feel right now. And yes I know, the thought of me being speechless will really strain the imagination of those who know me best! lol! Perhaps this is one reason why I just decide to be silent. But with Chris getting better, we have been getting out a little more as you can tell by recent posts.

Today was rough. I’m not sure why except that my emotions are stretched beyond belief and there are so many demanding circumstances right now that I can barely think at all! But we took him to speech therapy today. When we got back my neighbor had taken my parking spot! I kinda took it personal. Maybe it’s because my emotions are fried and I made way too much out of it. But it sure felt like she was trying to “make a point” that the handicap spot was not just mine. The thing that made that stick out is that first there are no advantages to parking there like a ramp – it’s just a spot that makes it easier to load and unload Chris. There were actually spots closer to her apartment that she could have chosen…and I know it really doesn’t matter – but when the pain is in your heart all the time and it does not go away – little things like that just add more grief…and it gets heavier.

Then Medicaid has decided that they don’t want to pay for some of the equipment that they okayed over a year ago. Now after they approved it and then didn’t pay the company is sending me a bill. I told the guy I’ll buy a bed and they can come get everything…I figure it will work out.. but why does everything have to be so difficult? I’m just trying to take care of my son….

I know I have gotten lost in the shuffle but it sure seems like it would be nice to just stay in my four walls and not venture out any more. It’s safer here. It’s small – but I know exactly what to expect from here. Unless you have had to do all the loading and unloading you really cannot understand the emotional and physical part of it all…and I wouldn’t expect you to. But when I say “I took Chris to therapy” — it’s a simple, short phrase – but has huge implications. It makes me sigh just thinking about taking him next week again…and right now I even have help – for which I ma most thankful!!

I’m looking for faith…for hope…grace…anything really….And it all seems so far away. My life has changed forever…it is not coming back. I cannot make up the freedom I lost…

And yet there is nowhere I’d rather be right now than taking care of my son… welcome to the crazy emotions of a caregiver…the love drives us on through the dark – into the unknown…just to stand by our loved one’s side….no matter what

I feel like I have to push Chris so he can regain some sort of independence for when I am gone. I do not want him to be a burden when I pass on out of time…a day I look forward to really (not like I want to go today though either!! lol!!)…I want to get him at least where he can function on some level for whoever may need to take care of him then…I’m human – and I am aging….it’s a fact that I must face….while I just keep looking for faith…for hope…grace…anything really

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One Year Home-i-versary!

It was one year ago on July 1 when I brought Chris home. I was a bundle of nerves! I cannot even begin to describe how scared and excited I was that day. It was so good to see him in a home setting  again where I knew it would not be so loud and all that. I had no idea how,  or if, he would respond to being in a home again.

I was so scared to transfer him and of course back then he was so stiff and had quite a lot of tone. He was also on all sorts of meds! I was either feeding or giving him meds every two hours. That went on for a couple of days til I figured out I could combine the feedings with the meds! duh!

I’ve only “dropped” him twice and those were early on and really minor incidents especially when I compare notes with others who have been caregivers! I laugh now but I was so afraid I would hurt him…he is so vulnerable and helpless…

There were so many things I struggled with and some of the frustration was just trying to go too fast for his head injury! I finally learned how to balance it all out – take advantage of good days, and rest on his worse days…I also got him off all his meds and all he takes are vitamins, tylenol, ibuprofen and claritin! How cool is that!

He’s lost almost all of his tone over the last year except for on some days it will be an issue. He is eating so much more… that was an uphill battle.. but we are still pushing through and still making progress…

I never dreamed when I shakily made that first transfer with him that he’d be doing so much more of it now. He is also awake almost all day long now too. It takes him quite awhile to settle down at night but he eventually gets to sleep around 11.

I have learned so much this last year while working with Chris. In some ways I am more patient…with Him… gently prodding – carefully pushing him on toward recovery…but less patient with nonsense…

I have learned much about my Father’s patience too…and how He desires for all of us to be whole in Him…Andreally over this last three years I have watched God provide.. I have never lacked anything…I may have wanted a thing or two.. but never lacked… I have gone in at night and thought I only have the gas to make it back to town tomorrow. I just packed a bag and figured I’d sleep in Chris’ truck…but gas money always came…I have not had to miss even one meal this whole time…I actually need to miss a few and lost about 10 or 15 pounds now!!!

I’ve watched God restore things I hadn’t even recognized were gone…and I have learned true thanksgiving. I cannot be anything other than thankful from here! I cannot wait until I see what He has in store for Chris’ second year on the home front!!




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Happy Mother’s Day

I pray that each mother out there has a wonderful day with their children and grands today! We have our own festivities planned and I am attempting to take Chris to my mom’s house this afternoon. It looks like all of us siblings will be there together.

I think if I am brutally honest with myself I am having a pity party…a well deserved one I might add! lol! I am just overcome with all it takes to just take Chris out for a few hours. Honestly, I always dread all the work but once we go I will be fine and I’ll be glad we did! It is really good for him to get out I know. It’s really good to take him to family functions too…

The trouble is that I hurt my back messing around with his chair yesterday. I am taking maximum otc pain relievers right now and sitting on a heating pad to try to get some relief. I am sure it will be fine in a couple of days but it sure is frustrating. I am glad he can help so much with the transfers now…and I do have a plan of action that should work and make it easier on me for today…

I guess it’s just difficult for me to enjoy Mother’s Day when I see my son like this…I literally have to choose not to think about it and rather choose more positive things to think about while the obvious yells at me from across the room. I will choose rather to enjoy my daughter (who is a wonderful mother herself) and my grandson and son-in-law. They have been so much help to me over the last couple of years. I know they get tired…I try not to ever ask them for anything extra since they do so much to help…I will enjoy them and the rest of my family today.

I will also enjoy the fact that this year is the first Mother’s Day since Chris’ accident that he’s not in a nursing home! He’s here with me and still slowly progressing. I will choose to find the things I can be thankful for rather than the things that seem to dig at my emotions.

Paul told the Philippians something like that in Philippians 4:8. He told them to think on these things… then gave them a list of things to train their mind to stay on. That is my point of faith for today. As I go through the day when the depressing, oppressing or destructive thoughts come I will turn them to what is good, pure, honest and just… I will turn them to what I have seen God do over the last 2.5 years rather than what I wish He would do!

We’ll make it through this one! He still reigns!

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