Posts Tagged time

It’s Safer in the Cave

I really have no words to describe how I feel right now. And yes I know, the thought of me being speechless will really strain the imagination of those who know me best! lol! Perhaps this is one reason why I just decide to be silent. But with Chris getting better, we have been getting out a little more as you can tell by recent posts.

Today was rough. I’m not sure why except that my emotions are stretched beyond belief and there are so many demanding circumstances right now that I can barely think at all! But we took him to speech therapy today. When we got back my neighbor had taken my parking spot! I kinda took it personal. Maybe it’s because my emotions are fried and I made way too much out of it. But it sure felt like she was trying to “make a point” that the handicap spot was not just mine. The thing that made that stick out is that first there are no advantages to parking there like a ramp – it’s just a spot that makes it easier to load and unload Chris. There were actually spots closer to her apartment that she could have chosen…and I know it really doesn’t matter – but when the pain is in your heart all the time and it does not go away – little things like that just add more grief…and it gets heavier.

Then Medicaid has decided that they don’t want to pay for some of the equipment that they okayed over a year ago. Now after they approved it and then didn’t pay the company is sending me a bill. I told the guy I’ll buy a bed and they can come get everything…I figure it will work out.. but why does everything have to be so difficult? I’m just trying to take care of my son….

I know I have gotten lost in the shuffle but it sure seems like it would be nice to just stay in my four walls and not venture out any more. It’s safer here. It’s small – but I know exactly what to expect from here. Unless you have had to do all the loading and unloading you really cannot understand the emotional and physical part of it all…and I wouldn’t expect you to. But when I say “I took Chris to therapy” — it’s a simple, short phrase – but has huge implications. It makes me sigh just thinking about taking him next week again…and right now I even have help – for which I ma most thankful!!

I’m looking for faith…for hope…grace…anything really….And it all seems so far away. My life has changed forever…it is not coming back. I cannot make up the freedom I lost…

And yet there is nowhere I’d rather be right now than taking care of my son… welcome to the crazy emotions of a caregiver…the love drives us on through the dark – into the unknown…just to stand by our loved one’s side….no matter what

I feel like I have to push Chris so he can regain some sort of independence for when I am gone. I do not want him to be a burden when I pass on out of time…a day I look forward to really (not like I want to go today though either!! lol!!)…I want to get him at least where he can function on some level for whoever may need to take care of him then…I’m human – and I am aging….it’s a fact that I must face….while I just keep looking for faith…for hope…grace…anything really

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This is the world He gave us…

Can’t really say what’s up with today, it really wasn’t too bad. I’ve just really battled today with depression. I didn’t want to work, write, play …just wanted to work in the garden, but it was too hot! Nothing bad happened, and Chris did real good. He was a little sleepy, but that’s no big deal…he still did good even though he slept a little more through the morning. He ate well and that and increasing his mobility are my two goals so I’m pretty happy with that..for today.

I just had one of those days where I just miss being “normal” and getting to do “normal” things… not that there was anything in particular that I wanted to do…maybe it’s a little bit of cabin fever…even though I get those two hours in the morning(for which I am really, really thankful for!) I have used them only for running and fitness for some time now. But Friday I’ll have to go get some groceries so it’ll be a day off from running at least!

I think one thing that affected me today was some discussions I participated in on the support group I’m a member of…there are some really hurting people out there. Their stories are so similar to mine, and yet so different…but there’s lots of pain that really –no one can do anything at all about…I prayed for people I don’t even know today…I cried for them because of their situations and their great pain…and then – I cried for my own. You know it never stops, it’s just sometimes quiet enough to ignore…but it’s always still there and it only takes one memory, one thought, one picture of Chris playing the drums, or standing…to wake it up again. Today just happened to be one of those days that I couldn’t push it back down into quiet mode…

And yet, you know right here in the midst of the mess, there’s something happening. I am feeling further away from people yet closer to God. I am learning things from scripture that I just never saw before….The only way I can say what I feel is to say, I appreciate Him…can’t take anything for granted. He placed us each in time where He knew we would fit – this is the spot on the time line that He wanted us to be and that’s why He put us right here, right now. This is the world He gave us…and He did it for a reason – don’t know what that is, but I do know that carries a huge responsibility for us. We were put right here, right now and He has equipped us for time…this time…it’s up to us how we spend it…and I really want to spend time with Him…until we can lose time and only see eternity…

here’s to better days ahead…

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Too Many Thoughts to Handle

Yeah, I have so many thing going through my mind these days. I don’t dare take the time to listen to them…lol! I pretty much have a full range of emotions going on too…not really sure how to handle it all. So for today I’m planning on working! That will keep my mind busy but my heart is still full…

This morning I was thinking about some things I want to talk to the home health people about during their visit this week. I knew there would be a mix up when I moved…but Chris didn’t get his Jevity this month. Since he’s eating one or two meals a day by mouth most days I had enough stock piled to cover it.. but that’s not the point. I was thinking of the questions I wanted to ask. But you know – so far everyone who comes pretty much sits here and tells me all the things they are going to do…and then they leave and it is undone. I just got mad thinking about how Chris falls through the cracks all the time  because we don’t have insurance…and because others don’t believe he can or will get better… well, I still believe…I’m not sure why, or how – but I still believe.

My mind fights me a lot but my heart just can’t give up. I know the further we get into it the less likely he’ll ever be who he was  but I am determined to love whoever emerges. I miss the Chris I knew immensely….all the time. I know he would have loved to play with Eli and I grieve that Eli will not know the Uncle Chris we all know and love…

Yet I know he’s in there – I see his responses to the things stored in there — particularly to music stuff…and it makes me hopeful…I decided to start really pushing the drum thing as he finally has all of his sticks here plus he started playing at such a young age that I know the rudiments are all filed away. He seems to respond to that pretty well…I just don’t know…would God put all that in him and then just let it waste? I guess in one way it’s not wasted anyway as Chris certainly put it to full use while he was able!

It may just be that I am finally to my breaking point…that’s not a faith-less statement for you religious folks who are reading this! It’s actually full of more faith than I’ve ever known. You see I read this statement this week after the storms hit with such a destructive force..someone said that God had just given them peace and strength to sleep right through the storm. Now to the religious mind that’s an awesome statement. But the first thing I thought of was What is it that God gave those who ran for shelter? Did He not give them His peace? We have become such an arrogant generation of “Christians.” Thinking that God gives us our little whim’s and desires…protects us from everything that hurts…etc…but He protects our spirit man… the eternal part of us – the important part! He’s not here to just serve up every little thing we want and keep us from all bodily harm…He left watching over this temple up to us. We must protect and care for the body He provided…He doesn’t do re-issues!

With that being said, I want to add that He does heal. Period. I have absolutely no doubt at all in my mind that He heals. Why He heals some and not others remains a mystery and on down days can cause quite a lot of confusion and anger. But He does still heal. And I am convinced that no matter what we will not go home until He says. Our live, our times, our heart and soul are in His hands…not our own hands. I know many may not understand where I’m coming from – but I know that God protected that inside person – the real Chris just as He takes care of our spirit man…we really cannot die unless He gives the okay for us to cross that line out of time…

To me – these thoughts offer a new level of comfort for me as I no longer can or will judge by what I see here as to whether He is my protector or not. There are lots of people who have had lots of wrecks, why some live and some die – we just may never know. I know after my wreck with the bus I would read of accidents and people who died of head injuries…and I wondered why I lived that day…who knows? As others with far less injuries died…But I know that He does not view death with the finality as we do. Psalms 116 says that the death of His saints is precious in His sight. How could death be “precious”? Because we have shed the boundaries of time and are free to live in eternity’s morning…

I have found comfort realizing that there is literally nothing – nothing – nothing  that can touch our spirit – the real us…no matter what happens to our body. Chris is still in there…whether or not we ever see him like he was or not…and no head injury can change who he was…God will see to that!

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