Posts Tagged thoughts
I know I still have another day to go until I get to Monday – but as any of you who might read more than one or two entries know weekends can be a tough time. There’s no “break” in the day since the aid doesn’t come and sometimes the only voice I hear is my own. I have to be careful or I will start dreading the weekend.
Well, today was fine – really. I have more work to get done as I have added another client to my newfound “freelance writing” work I’ve been doing. And I’m making lots of changes too.. lots of them. Those who get my newsletter will know in a day or two… it’s a long story. But anyway it is going to be a little easier on my budget. But it’s keeping me busy anyway…
Chris is doing good too – that always helps. Plus I actually talked to several people on the phone today and that helps too… I’m sure Chris gets so tired of just hearing me talk. It’s kina funny and I think I am old enough to blame it on age but I talk to Chris so much that I’ve got to where I just talk all the time. Like when I am in the kitchen and he’s in the bedroom.. just keep on talkin’! Oh well….
Anyway it also helped that my nephew, Jakob, came by for a few minutes last night. He nearly go shot, but it was good that he came by! Usually I don’t have visitors in the evening and he didn’t call to say he was coming by. So when I heard my storm door open about 9 last night my first thought was “where’s my gun?” But he identified himself in time! lol! I think I may put my bo over by the door though!
The coolest thing from today was when I opened the blinds on my patio door there was a beautiful pure white flower that had opened up since I’d closed them last night! I got way too excited when I saw it! I enjoyed it all day too! I’ll share a pic…if there’s one thing I am learning, it’s to enjoy the little things like that along the way. I thought of that the other day when I was running the trail.. there are all these different kinds of flowers along the sides of the trail. They are all so different. SOme are elegant, and some are dainty. Many have vibrant colors that scream for attention, while others are more subtle and you really have to look for them to find them…and my favorite (if I wasn’t running I’d take a picture) is this real spindley stem about 2 feet tall. It’s green but bare with hardly any leaves. But at the top is this poof of beautiful purple pedals! It’s amusing and kinda pretty at the same time! .. sorry rabbitt trail…
So I was thinking today about how difficult it is sometimes to keep faith when Chris is sitting here. I see the progress and I get so excited. And really the last couple of weeks somehow seem like he’s made a lot of progress in a short time…that’s encouraging. But then I look up and he’s drooled on himself…and I lose it once again. It’s this seesaw thing that goes back and forth pretty much all day everyday. But in my thoughts today I was thinking about how at times it’s easy to believe, and other times it’s easier to let doubt creep in…but in my heart it’s much easier to believe than it is to continue in doubt…I am not sure how that works. And I know the medical professionals that work with us really don’t believe Chris is so much better. I don’t see them fighting to get him therapy even though I know he’s ready…because they don’t believe.
That’s when I wish there was some button where I could push it and God would just raise Chris up and I’d say, “Now you see?” But then if there was one, I certainly would have pushed it a long time ago…And I don’t have any driving need to prove anything to anyone really. It’s their problem honestly..while I continue to wait on Him…and I think that is still the key – even though it makes me mad sometimes…not mad to wait, mad to know it’s the key!
It’s getting late I gotta bolus Chris and then head to bed to get a little sleep before we get up at 5 and start all over again tomorrow…but the weekend is half way down. I asked Chris if he wanted to just have church with me again in the morning.. he didn’t say no! So I guess we’re on.
Here’s a pic of my “good morning” flower:
Actually for those still reading this has a very interesting story, I think. It was in the pot with the tulips that bloomed the day I moved in here. I left it because I knew it looked like a “real flower” of some sort. The lillies are gone, then the roses bloomed. After they stopped a gorgeous orange daisy came up near the edge of my garden. It’s just about done its job and I’ve been watching this bud for a long time…just waiting. Then last night it looked so pale. I wondered if there was something wrong with it and I was saddened to think it might not get to bloom… that’s why it was such a shock this morning when it was standing out there so beautifully!
Today was a very interesting day (as the title more than implies)! First my friend Joann came yesterday and stayed the night. She lives in Arkansas but has stayed so connected through all of the craziness of the last two and a half years. She’s been a true friend for sure! She didn’t walk away when she wasn’t sure what to do with us when our live drastically changed in a moment; she just kept walking with us…even from a distance…as so many have.
We talked, ate, pulled a few weeds in the garden and took Chris for a walk through the park here behind the apartments. It was so nice to hear another voice in the house for the weekend. I’m not real sure why the weekend can wear on me so much heavier than the week can, but it tends to. This one is about gone and I’m ready to get some sleep and start a new day tomorrow!
Something really strange happened today. I have been part of a group for most of the last two years plus – called Daily STrength. I found it and joined a couple of the online support groups there. I won’t forget the first person who talked to me on the site. His name is Shaner and he was injured in a fall accident himself. He was given so little hope of survival that the doctors had his mom sign off on his organs…but here he was writing to me, continuing his education and helping to encourage others to never lose hope! Among his first words to me that still ring out were the doctors do not have the last word! That statement brought me lots of encouragement. I’ve met other wonderful friends on DS too. (Hi Tori!!)
Today a new person wrote me. She has a son named Chris as well. He was in an accident when he was a teenager and she’s been caring for him for 7 years now. She was reading my story and wanted to “connect” as she felt she could encourage me. Our conversations are “your Chris” this and “my Chris” that…it’s kinda funny!
I’m ready to embrace whatever God has down the road. Her Chris has not spoken since his accident, yet he still continues to improve…I am saddened to think the thought what if Chris never speaks again? Honestly, I had not thought about it. I just keep working with him (which btw – he was very vocal with me today when I upset him! I swear when I asked him a question his grunt was in direct response!)
Emotions tried to suck me under…maybe I am only deluding myself…but I just can’t believe God would silence Chris’ voice. I wanted immediately to take the things I do have and get them out for all to hear! I have all his writings and some of his music (and power of attorney!) and wanted to begin to put them in books so all could share and hear the things God had already put in this young man!
So I am kinda in a weird spot tonight…totally trusting what God promised…yet trying to prepare since I don’t really know what’s ahead – or how far it is ahead! And you know what – I’m not sure it matters from here…I’m going to trust God with what each day brings…that’s all anyone can do!
I’m so very moved by some of the things in the news the last few days. A young football player lost his life, a sheriff is shot and may lose his sight in one eye…devestating tornados in Missouri today…this all rips at my heart as I know how your life can be ripped away in an instant…how fast things can change. All the things that used to be so important only boils down to one thing….relationship…with God first and with others… and really I am not sure there is even one more thing in this life that matters…not even one…
So I had this question today while my mind was wandering about in all the “things” and whether they matter or not… I want to spend my energies on the things that are eternal.. why spend it on anything else? I thought of the scripture – laying up treasure in heaven…and how our works are tried to see if we used wood, hay and stubble; or if we used gold and things that will stand in the fire….how do we build treasure for eternity? It cannot be simply going to church – or even feeding the poor – it cannot be healing the sick or even raising the dead…how do we build for eternity? How do we build what really matters?
…sorry no answers here yet… but at least I am thinking about it.. and I will let you know if I come up with something! lol! I want this cave experience to drive me into His presence…I am thinking that’s the key. And not some flakey shakey all over the church feeling that doesn’t bring about real change in my heart and life…but an intense knowledge and understanding of God and His ways.. that effectively brings about eternal changes in me… changes that last…changes that effect eternity…in me…just thinkin’…
I pray that each mother out there has a wonderful day with their children and grands today! We have our own festivities planned and I am attempting to take Chris to my mom’s house this afternoon. It looks like all of us siblings will be there together.
I think if I am brutally honest with myself I am having a pity party…a well deserved one I might add! lol! I am just overcome with all it takes to just take Chris out for a few hours. Honestly, I always dread all the work but once we go I will be fine and I’ll be glad we did! It is really good for him to get out I know. It’s really good to take him to family functions too…
The trouble is that I hurt my back messing around with his chair yesterday. I am taking maximum otc pain relievers right now and sitting on a heating pad to try to get some relief. I am sure it will be fine in a couple of days but it sure is frustrating. I am glad he can help so much with the transfers now…and I do have a plan of action that should work and make it easier on me for today…
I guess it’s just difficult for me to enjoy Mother’s Day when I see my son like this…I literally have to choose not to think about it and rather choose more positive things to think about while the obvious yells at me from across the room. I will choose rather to enjoy my daughter (who is a wonderful mother herself) and my grandson and son-in-law. They have been so much help to me over the last couple of years. I know they get tired…I try not to ever ask them for anything extra since they do so much to help…I will enjoy them and the rest of my family today.
I will also enjoy the fact that this year is the first Mother’s Day since Chris’ accident that he’s not in a nursing home! He’s here with me and still slowly progressing. I will choose to find the things I can be thankful for rather than the things that seem to dig at my emotions.
Paul told the Philippians something like that in Philippians 4:8. He told them to think on these things… then gave them a list of things to train their mind to stay on. That is my point of faith for today. As I go through the day when the depressing, oppressing or destructive thoughts come I will turn them to what is good, pure, honest and just… I will turn them to what I have seen God do over the last 2.5 years rather than what I wish He would do!
We’ll make it through this one! He still reigns!