Posts Tagged thanksgiving

To Trust is a Choice

It seems I am always trying to get myself together and it’s non-stop. I have heard others discuss the fact that when you come home from a hospital or nursing home others seem to think the crisis is over. Not for the full-time caregiver. For me it’s an ongoing lifestyle – I live in crisis mode. The crisis just started with the tragedy in 2008 – it continues to wear at me day after day. It’s not over – it’s just different. And that’s why I am continually trying to scrape myself up and make another day.

This is the time of year when I really take some time to reflect on the past 12 months and determine what things are different, where there has been improvement and where improvement is still needed. One thing that I have been working on this year is not bottoming out. Just the stress of everyday and the living grief that comes with the situation can wear me down until I hit rock bottom. I can write about it right now because I have a handle on it! lol. But there are times when the situation weighs me down and I collapse under the load. And boy does it take a huge shovel to dig my emotions back out!?!

The trouble with hitting those bottoms is that I can barely function. During the dark night of the soul I can barely get through a day. I overeat, can’t focus on my work – which causes ripples in my finances which adds even more to the load — you get the idea! So to avoid these bottom of the barrel experiences I’ve been working on strategies to prevent them. As soon as I feel my emotions take a nose dive I take action rather than waiting. I have finally learned to recognize it early on and immediately I do something different and change up my routine. I take the evening off – which is rare; or I get on the treadmill or take Chris out for a walk – anything to make a change. So far it seems to be working.

One of the ways that I see a lot of difference is that I am playing my guitar more; and I hear music in my heart more. For a time my emotions were so raw that music just made me mad. And during some very dark emotional days I was too mad at God to be able to sing; and I really didn’t care. In all honesty it’s difficult to sing sometimes when you feel that life has cheated you, raped you and been stolen from you. It can even be difficult to see where His mercy, love and grace come into play. Joy is lost.

I hear all the religious folks starting in on the joy of salvation. But in all honesty, there are times that is frustrating too. Yes – I am so elated that Jesus paid the price; thankful that I do not have to bear sin’s weight. That secures my soul for eternity – but I need to make it through today with faith intact. Eternity is taken care of – not worried about that in the least!

So I have to remind myself almost daily that He protects my soul – but He gives me the responsibility of getting and keeping everything else in line. And that’s no easy task.

One thing that I am realizing is that I just simply have to trust Him. That’s been difficult for me to work back around to since I trusted Him with my kids to begin with…and now look. Job is of course my prime example – though God slay me – yet will I trust Him. My trust has to be so deep that it surpasses the shallowness of life. It has to be deeper than what I can see with my eyes for if I use what I see and feel to measure how much I can “trust” Him with – it would be superficial as well. The heart has to be set on the fact that trust is chosen – no matter what.

Psalm 50:23 says this: He who offers a sacrifice of thanksgiving honors Me; and to him who orders his way aright I shall show the salvation of God. I’m learning that my “conversation” isn’t just going to right itself and thanksgiving does not always come easy. Sometimes I have to force myself to find something to be thankful for – but when I do that – it honors Him.

So that’s where I am in the journey right now. There’s really a lot going on and one of the things I’m working on (daily) is to get myself back together and keep up with my blogs again. I don’t know if anyone is reading- or if anyone cares – or if it helps anyone – but it gives me a place to leave my emotions and thoughts so I can move on.

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Many Small Things Make A Big Picture!

I pushed Chris out on the patio so I could do a “tiny” bit of yard work. (pun intended – you’d have to see the size of my yard!)…I transplanted some herbs and pulled  few weeds. Then I hooked up the weed eater and started “mowing” the yard. Lots of thoughts were going through my head but I found myself in a moment of thankfulness. I thought of all the people who made it possible for me to enjoy this moment in my yard.

Specifically, I thanked God for Connie and Randy. They did not even know me but have chosen to not only walk this path alongside me and Chris – but be friends too…and that means a lot!! Randy built the deck so that Chris could easily be pushed out into the fresh air. Connie took me to Wal-Mart on Mother’s Day and had me pick out some awesome flowers — and I enjoy their beauty every single day!!

Then, I thanked God for Tina and Steve who bought me the weed eater. I was cutting the yard using some big hedge trimmer looking thingys – like  a big pair of scissors… hey you do what you gotta do! lol! It felt so good to be able to just work in the yard for a little while!

I often think of so many of the people who have been such a blessing along this troubling journey. And as my mind went back to so many who have ministered to me along the way – I just had to be thankful. And it’s not all monetary either. My friend, Mary (from Indianapolis) used to call me when Chris was still in the hospital and I was staying there with him 24/7. We would set up a time and have communion together…what a wonderful friend!

I can’t even begin to name every single blessing along the way – or even every person who has been used by God as a ministry instrument…all I can say is I am just so thankful to be right here right now. I don’t like how I got here of course! But looking at the whole journey I cannot help but be tearfully thankful.

One thing we have to remember is that this moment is not the whole. Actually this one moment we are occupying in time is such a tiny little part of the complete picture – the complete life. I need to be reminded to step back – not get too close to the picture and look at the whole again.

When we look at the whole we are reminded of His sustaining grace and His immeasurable peace. When we step back we can see how He has carried us along the way…today – I purpose to not get lost in this moment – but to rejoice in the journey’s blessings.

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