Posts Tagged struggles

It’s Just the Way it Is…

I know I have not written in a while, but that’s just how I am built. When I go into overload mode I shut most things down. I am sure it could be explained as some sort of survival mechanism…if anyone cared to take the time to research it. Really, I’m not too worried about it…I just know that when I am on overload and there are lots of stress factors I tend to shut down. And quite honestly, I don’t care to explain it or define it or even change it right now… there’s not enough energy to worry about it.

Lots has happened since I poured my emotions out here. I really like having the blog as it helps me sort through so many things. I’m sure that’s just the writer coming out in me. But here on the computer screen I can express most of my deepest fears, doubts, concerns, goals, achievements and hopes…and leave them here while I walk away to deal with life as it is right now. Somehow (again unexplainable) that has helped me walk some of this journey.

For my readers (if I have any left!) thanks for “listening” to me whine, gripe, praise and rejoice as I sort through this mess from the furnace. Really, sometimes I just can’t sort through the emotions. There is so much in a day that my mind has to put on hold, or maybe “mute” is a better term for it. And that’s just to get through the day. I can be very happy and rejoicing one minute and thrilled at all Chris is doing (and he’s really starting to do a lot) but then see a picture of him playing the drums and I’m sucked right back into the emotional pit. I miss him so much…

It’s difficult but I am trying to live through whatever I have on my plate today. I’m not even sure if it’s the “right” way to deal with it; but I must only look at what is before me today and try to do something productive with it. Try to push Chris one more step, push myself to get some work done (very thankful for that!), try to keep my chin up in the midst of the fire…you get the idea.

I won’t go into the gruelling details of my day and the emotional roller coaster I ride most of the time. Because that really is just about every second of every day. But I do know that I have to deal with what I see and – do it in faith. In some ways, most ways, faith can seem very far away and unreachable. You see, even though I already live in the furnace –  that does not exempt me from other trials too. For instance, my aunt has just found out that she has cancer. After all these years of ministry – I can’t help but wonder why?  A friend has had a brain tumor removed and is struggling to get her life back on track too…I deal with the same sadness and heartache that you do every single day – from the furnace. Sometimes it seems that there is no hope…nothing gets better…until we are home. That’s what my head says. My heart won’t let me stay there too long though.

I really can’t explain what my emotions do when I think about giving up. Oh, you know I have had those moments of wanting to give up now…I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit to them. I still have moments full of despair…times I feel like I’m drowning in every sense of the word…

But I am in good company! Paul said in 2 Corinthians 1: 8 that they were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life…That was Paul? The great apostle whom God used to write 2/3 of the New Testament? And he had real life struggles? wow…And on top of that he admitted it!?! What was wrong with him?

Somehow we have attached weakness to those who admit that they struggle. We forget that to walk in faith can cause a fight! I think sometimes my biggest fight is with myself…struggling to figure out what is wrong with me…trying to figure out if I still believe.

But I always come back to a resounding Yes! There is no place to quit – not for me anyway. I don’t allow my students to say “I can’t” – but in this context I must say I just can’t…. I can’t quit, I can’t give up, I can’t stop fighting, I can’t stop believing, period. I just have to trust that God is a God of His word and He made some statements about Chris — so all I can do is wait. Well, I certainly can’t make God move any faster! lol!

I must deal with what I see today and keep pressing on toward a better day…just hoping, praying, believing…That even though for today – this is just the way it is.. and I have to deal with the today I have right now –  that there is a tomorrow out there somewhere. And it will be better…I refuse to believe anything else. Call me crazy – delusional – I don’t care….I will continue to stand in the gap for my son against all odds….it’s just the way it is…

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WhaT A CrAzy WEek it wAs!

Last week was really all that crazy! And boy were my emotions all over the place! I think I am still trying to pick them all up; although I think the smoke has begun to clear. I really took it hard when the hail storm took out most of my itsy weeny garden. I didn’t know it was going to hit me so hard until I started cleaning up.

I was pulling up some of the plants that had just started to bloom before the hail storm hit. I’d been so excited about their blooms! And now they were beat down to pretty much nothing and it hurt a lot more than I thought. I mean, here I’ve been nurturing them, talking to them, watering them and now they are a piece of mangled green mess…gone.

Iopted not not run the morning after the storm as I thought it was better get out and try to get the yard cleaned. I was soon interrupted by this surprising surge of emotions though. I realized that my garden represented how I felt in many ways. Here Chris and  were in the height of our lives and we had it snatched away.

You know, for both my kids I’d been so careful to nurture the things I had seen God put in them. And they were both doing so well.. Ronella still is – I don’t mention enough how proud I am of her and I really feel she gets the short end of the stick a lot of times because she so easily ends up in the shadow of the tragedy with Chris… but I am very proud of my daughter and the Christian woman she’s become!

Anyway – as I was pulling up the poor blooming plants my emotions just welled up and exploded inside of me. Here I was on the brink of realizing my dreams of traveling to Africa and Chris was one semester away from graduating – and he was loving the classroom…and BAM! it’s all gone just like that brief but violent hail storm…all gone.

So I did what I always did.. I ditched the yard and headed out for a run! I didn’t realize how bad this side of town got hit by the wind and hail. It was like my life – an obstacle course – with nothing coming easily!

It really took me a couple of days to get myself together. But on Friday’s run I made a decision. I knew I brought Chris home on purpose. I also knew that I was giving my life away to care for him. I decided that the struggle was because I was always trying to pick my life and dreams back up…so my decision was to let them go for good! It eases the struggle…and I felt better.

I think we are this way when we are trying to live out Galatians 2:20 – we say we ae crusified with Christ and we have only a life hidden in Him…all the while we are still trying to piece it all together and make something happen on our own. Hence, we become troubled, unhappy… etc… it’s not that easy to die on purpose. But when we do the struggle ends. So here in my struggle of taking care of Chris.. I learned how to die in Christ! And that’s how I want to live my life from here on out… totally dead! lol!

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