Posts Tagged struggle
I really have no words to describe how I feel right now. And yes I know, the thought of me being speechless will really strain the imagination of those who know me best! lol! Perhaps this is one reason why I just decide to be silent. But with Chris getting better, we have been getting out a little more as you can tell by recent posts.
Today was rough. I’m not sure why except that my emotions are stretched beyond belief and there are so many demanding circumstances right now that I can barely think at all! But we took him to speech therapy today. When we got back my neighbor had taken my parking spot! I kinda took it personal. Maybe it’s because my emotions are fried and I made way too much out of it. But it sure felt like she was trying to “make a point” that the handicap spot was not just mine. The thing that made that stick out is that first there are no advantages to parking there like a ramp – it’s just a spot that makes it easier to load and unload Chris. There were actually spots closer to her apartment that she could have chosen…and I know it really doesn’t matter – but when the pain is in your heart all the time and it does not go away – little things like that just add more grief…and it gets heavier.
Then Medicaid has decided that they don’t want to pay for some of the equipment that they okayed over a year ago. Now after they approved it and then didn’t pay the company is sending me a bill. I told the guy I’ll buy a bed and they can come get everything…I figure it will work out.. but why does everything have to be so difficult? I’m just trying to take care of my son….
I know I have gotten lost in the shuffle but it sure seems like it would be nice to just stay in my four walls and not venture out any more. It’s safer here. It’s small – but I know exactly what to expect from here. Unless you have had to do all the loading and unloading you really cannot understand the emotional and physical part of it all…and I wouldn’t expect you to. But when I say “I took Chris to therapy” — it’s a simple, short phrase – but has huge implications. It makes me sigh just thinking about taking him next week again…and right now I even have help – for which I ma most thankful!!
I’m looking for faith…for hope…grace…anything really….And it all seems so far away. My life has changed forever…it is not coming back. I cannot make up the freedom I lost…
And yet there is nowhere I’d rather be right now than taking care of my son… welcome to the crazy emotions of a caregiver…the love drives us on through the dark – into the unknown…just to stand by our loved one’s side….no matter what…
I feel like I have to push Chris so he can regain some sort of independence for when I am gone. I do not want him to be a burden when I pass on out of time…a day I look forward to really (not like I want to go today though either!! lol!!)…I want to get him at least where he can function on some level for whoever may need to take care of him then…I’m human – and I am aging….it’s a fact that I must face….while I just keep looking for faith…for hope…grace…anything really…
It’s gotten a little crazy around here lately.Mostly beause Chris is up for more of the time. That’s a really good thing though! He seems to be tolerating being up most of the day now and stays up later at night. My struggle is getting all my work done in between our littl sporadic therapy sessions. I try to take advantage of whatever he’s giving me to work with each day.
Sometimes anymore (may not really be all that unusual…now that I think about it…)my emotions seem all over the place. I do get very excited about whatever progress Chris is making. And really, in one way I was telling the aid this morning (here name is Jeanne too ) that it seems like Chris has been improving a little faster in the last couple of weeks. Now I know at this stage of the game he’s not supposed to. Good thing we don’t live by that huh?
Pretty much all the stuff I’ve read states that they may continue to improve but the progress gets slower and slower…but Chris is starting to eat more, move more and be very vocal about things he does not like! He can actually lean himself forward in his chair to make a transfer! That’s some key muscle control coming back. (sometimes the trial there is me being patient because it does take awhile for him to accomplish this feat!)
So I am always in this constant state of back-and-forth…I’m glad he’s progressing but sad for where he is overall…I rejoice at each accomplishment but wrestle with thoughts concerning trying to “adjust” to life this way…but I can’t settle into that because I know God promised…but the waiting is eating away.. and the further out the more difficult recovery becomes… sheesh! See what I mean- this feeling of needing to adjust to this being how it is, yet never really able to accept it…the fight of faith…I suppose!
This whole struggle is causing (or helping – depending on perspective) me find a whole new me…I am changing..I long for intimacy with HIm more than anything else – even more than just getting Chris healed – I just really want to know His ways. And that can be really confusing.
Oh we think we have it all figured out, us religious folks. I was reading in Jeremiah this morning and God was telling them that He was sending calamity (Jeremiah 32) their way because they did not obey Him. So my thoughts went nuts with that- did I do something wrong to cause this calamity? Did Chris screw something up? I was all lost in the moment when I remembered Job – he was “perfect and upright” and calamity struck him. Maybe I lay somewhere in between these two extremes! lol! So there’s no answer…yet. And faith is still a fight…to be won of course!
So I am back at square one – just wanting to understand God… which seems impossible. At least until I found this other verse today. It’s in Jeremiah 9:23-24:
Thus says the Lord,
Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom,
and let not the mighty man boast of his might
let mot a rich man oast of his riches;
but let him who boasts boast in this,
that he ndersantd and knows Me…
So it is possible to know God and be fully acquainted with His ways. Boy do I have a long way to go…bu determination will cary one a long ways! Hopefully all the way to His throne!