Posts Tagged religion

Change is In the Air

There are so many things on my mind right now I am not even sure where to start. Guess I will start with yesterday. You know I am trying to take Chris out more – at least three times a week. We took him out to my sister’s for a very unique family get-together. When it came time to pray before the meal everyone gathered in the dining/kitchen area…leaving Chris alone in the recliner in the living room. I decided to stay with him.  I know that as a general rule he does not respond…but he is in there… and I hate it when he is just ignored. (I’m not saying anything was intentional or anything.. I just noticed it so I stayed with him.)

They kept saying, “Come on Jeanie, let’s pray.” And I replied, “I’m staying with my son.” It didn’t take but a second for everyone to realize I was not budging, prayer or no prayer. So they all gathered around and included Chris in the family circle to pray. (check out his blog to see how he responded and what a difference it made: )

We really just do not fit into normal anymore! But that’s okay, really. I just see Chris as so vulnerable and tender. (I know he’s a man so don’t tell him I said so! lol!) And I want to do whatever I can to protect him. I love it when I go someplace and people address him. That’s what I like about Among Friends, everyone talks to Chris and includes him in the conversations even though he does not even look at them.

My family is great, don’t get me wrong. They all took time to come and talk to him personally and he engaged with each one of them too! I realize it’s so difficult to know what to do with him…but it makes me hurt for him…and for my family too. I hurt because I see my daddy so wanting Chris to speak, move or do anything…my brother missed the gleam in Chris’ eyes…and my sisters just want him to be back. And I know Ronella hurts so much too. It’s almost like she’s become an only child,,,except Chris is still here. There’s no end to the pain from where I am…it all hurts…all the time.

To be perfectly honest, I am just emerging from a very dark, desert place. I really cannot describe it yet…don’t know if I will ever be able to fully explain it either…don’t know if it is even necessary to try to do so…but God has felt so far away. My heart and mind know that He never leaves us and He is always present…but my feelings were far removed. Don’t go all religious on me and act like you have never felt this way. We all go through the desert…pain can do some crazy things with our minds…I have been so far “gone” I haven’t even tried to find a way “back.” It just didn’t seem relevant somehow…

But it seems as though I am finally beginning to emerge. It’s not by anything I have chosen either.. it just seems to be happening. I cannot explain it, or deny it nor will I try to stop it….but I will embrace it…

So this morning I was reading Psalm 63 about thirsting for the Lord…longing for Him…looking toward the sanctuary. I have taught for years (perhaps unsuccessfully) that we are His sanctuary. So as I was reading through this today and sharing about it in my devotions for caregivers blog ( it really stirred my mind and heart up.

We really do not have to go  anywhere to meet with God. Think about it even if we do not totally get the concept that we are His dwelling place – He lives in us. When I thought about how I have erroneously thought and felt through the years that the local church was the sanctuary, it made me sad. We do not have to go to church to experience Him. We gather in a facility because we are looking to be with people who love HIm too. I think it is that simple, and if we are gathering for any other reasons it’s more like we are just trying to gather together with people who agree with us….God is already there…He’s already everywhere. He actually cannot even go away from us…

I am chosing to think about that today… just the truth that He is with me through the pain…in the dark…and He will bring us out. I am not sure why that is comforting all of a sudden…I am determined to know HIm without seeing Him through religious lens…I want to know Him open, honest and unreligiously.

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The Trouble with Change is that It’s Different!

Lots of changes are up for me and Chris…for all of us. Chris is progressing nicely and I am learning how to push him a little more each day without wearing him out too much most days. You’ll have to check out the update blog for all the details on that. (

And then there are other changes too. My aid is quitting to take a better paying day job. I can’t blame her for that. We were just a trial run for her anyway so she could see if she liked nursing in any way. And I wasn’t too surprised at it anyway. But now I have to remember how long it took the home health agency to find an aid last time… so I am planning on no aid for a while.

Honestly the first thing I thought was, “When will I run?” But I’ve been working on getting a treadmill all week and if it all works out then I won’t miss a lick and will be a happy camper. I may even opt to not even have an aid after this. All I need is a couple of hours to run errands each week. With a treadmill I can actually go ahead and start training for a full marathon… now that’s exciting!

Here’s the big stuff though…I got a phone call from an agency that isn’t even technically supposed to be handling Chris’ case as he is ineligible. But the lady was so helpful and kinda gave me a nudge to get off my duff and get something done. So I called and will be changing doctors this next month and Chris has an appointment the first week of August with the new doctor.

The thing is – I will have to take him. No problem on one hand, because I understand there are two different transportation agencies who can transport us to the doctor. One is even covered on his program. So it’s all good…except…it’s a totally new adventure for me. And to be completely honest – it’s very scary to me. I have become comfortable here in the cave…and I broke down and cried after the doctor accepted him – pretty much out of pure fear…

And please don’t write me a ton of scriptures like “God’s not given us a spirit of fear….” I know  that…but the emotions were (are) still there – it’s scary getting out of the cave. We’ve been so secure – so safe…and it’s all changing and while I know it’s a good change – well, it’s just that change is different! lol!!

We have also been invited to participate in a program for handicapped citizens. But I haven’t been able to get over that hump and take Chris out yet. CART supposedly will come and get us…but my knees start shaking again! lol! And honestly – it’s totally new territory for me…I’ve never been here before. In my cave I can make the adjustments that are immediately necessary but to venture out is … scary!

So I am dealing with these really weird fears and joy all at the same time. I’m so happy with the progress Chris is making… it’s like I can see his progress almost every day now.. even in his sleeping patterns. He really sleeps now for the most part. And it’s a restful, peaceful sleep – not a brain injury sleep… I can’t explain it better than that….and then I am forced back into the unknown – Not sure what to do with him next. I always say that I play a lot of “guess and check”…Guess what needs to go next and check to see if it works…if not – guess and check again!

And in the middle of all of the turmoil I am very aware of God moving. I am not sure I have adequate words to describe it because some of it seems more like He and I are arguing ( I’ll let you guess and check on who starts it!)…but before I know it my mind is lost in the word and pretty soon I have such a clear understanding. And for the most part all I can say is that I’ve been so blinded by religion I really couldn’t see HIm before….we will never be able to see Him here – not while using our natural eyes to measure His dealings…the measure of faith will never be accurate when using what our eyes can see

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