Posts Tagged questions
I am not even too sure how to begin this post…it’s just been a strange, yet emotional, day…so far. Chris doesn’t seem to feel well and that always causes my emotions some strain. He’s terribly sleepy, but I remember giving him a Benadryl last night so that could be some of it. He has kept a low-grade fever though too..no cough – nothing apparent, just a fever.
So this morning when I got up I sat down with my cup of coffee. I actually sat in the floor situated where I could see my bird feeder that’s just off the patio. Questions were running through my mind like crazy…so many whys and why nots… You see, I’m supposed to start reading Luke now according to my little reading through the Bible in alphabetical order thing I am doing…but I just don’t want to read Luke; then Matthew…
I know it’s filled with all the stories of the healings Jesus did and just to be honest – it troubles me when I do not see Him do the same for my son…and that’s when all the questions started rolling through my mind. The old familiar frustrations were back – why would Jesus heal the one man with the withered hand and not my son’s hand…you know the drill! lol!
I know all the Bible stories too – you know how God went in to Egypt to get His people out and in the process He did all these might works…I can’t doubt them really, but for a minute I just wanted to ask if they were real…did they really happen? How do we know? Why did we need to know them, if He isn’t going to do the same today? Would He come after me?
Then I thought about all the nations He wiped out…for what purpose? He is not so egocentric that He needed to wipe out those who don’t believe in Him to protect Himself…They didn’t bow down to Him…was that it? I can’t imagine serving a God (or a god) who feels the need to wipe out races of people because He’s afraid of them..can you?
Now I would never say I want to be like a harlot…but Rahab comes to mind. The residents of Jericho knew the Children of Israel would come and destroy them. She believed in God against her whole city…and she was spared. What about all the other Jerichoians? Couldn’t they have joined with her beliefs?
Just about the time my frustrations were getting the better of me (and I haven’t even shared all the latest on the doctor/nurses craziness I’ve endured… the recent cracks Chris has been dropped through.. the day-to-day stuff that led to this moment of insanity!!!)…This sole dove landed in the back yard…just one of them – and they are usually in pairs, but I have this one that comes to eat by itself.
The dove landed and it caught my attention. I just looked at it and wondered about the dove being symbolic of the Holy Spirit because of the way He descended on Christ when He was baptized by John the Baptist…and I just began to pray… here are the words to my prayer:
I am loving the new apartment! It is just perfect for us. I like having my own room – and Chris having his. It seems I can hear him fine from any place in the house. That’s somewhat because he is so much more vocal. I wonder what the neighbors think when he is making such a terrible moaning noise in the middle of the night!
His chair actually fits perfectly except I’m a little disappointed that I cannot get him outside on the patio. I’ll just need a little ramp of some sort…eventually I guess. It seems so huge after that timy little place we’ve been in! I’m sure we’ll have it stuffed to the max soon too! It just feels good and right for now. I cannot really even try to explain that sort of excitement. But the present and the future look good. It’s pretty positive from here I think. That is some because Chris has been what I would call “awake” for more than a month now..every day – even though he has had his sleepier times, he is not in what I’ve called the brain injury fog.
Even though he is doing so well – and for that I am most thankful – it does not take away many of the thoughts and questions that surface almost daily. In just one instance all of his life, hopes, and dreams were snatched away by one miscalculation…the graduation celebration has to be put on hold while we wait to see not if he’ll walk down the ailse to reveive his much earned diploma – but now it is rather will he walk at all? It’s not about wondering where around the world he will play the drums – but will he ever be able to regain enough movement in his hands to play at all…All sorts of thoughts like that run through my mind most days – in and out – they never really stop. Even though I still happily celebrate each marked improvement, they just keep running around since the future is so unsure…
That’s where I have to find faith to make it another day. I also have to just look at the day I am given today and work with what is in my hands today. Sure, the plan is to help Chris unltimately – even in my limited knowledge of brain injuries and therapy – but not knowing what tomorrow will bring makes it difficult to set realistic goals.So I have to go back to a scripture in Psalms – it says my times are in His hands Why He has us here living through this I cannot answer – but I know that He is not only with us – we are in HIs hands and He holds the tomorrows and the todays in His hands. He is holding us…I have to believe that to keep taking steps…any steps!
In all the mix, I am just finally excited. I looked around yesterday and thought about how far we’ve come over the last 2 plus years. We lived in the hospital – then we lived in a nursing home – then he was in a nursing home and I stayed with my daughter’s friends…then finally to our own tiny apartment and now to a nice apartment that is just perfect for right now! It’s been quite the journey up to today – I can’t wait to see where we are in another couple of years…
We really are moving to the east side of Norman! I am so nervous. It seems like every decision has huge risks involved…tons of questions for me today:
will Chris’ chair fit into the hall
is the appliance guy honest or am I being taken
how am I gonna pay the rent
will Chris adjust okay to a new place
It’s all out there now and I hope it’s all okay but I am so concerned.I guess I am very excited and scared all at the same time. There are times I think I am just crazy to even try…but how do you know if you don’t at least try? I worry about transferring Chris, even though I’ve done it before.. it still gives me a knot in my stomach… and dealing at the same time with the bed people and wondering how it will all turn out…it’s just scary I guess…
It’s almost like I feel guilty for wanting anything at all. And yet my main motivation was to get a bigger place and have a washer and dryer. That’s all happening today (hoping the washer and dryer work!). It’s times like these where I have had to make the decisions all alone that I feel more alone.. not sure why really. I guess I just feel the weight of the responsibility of taking care of Chris more heavily during decision-making times!
All I can do is trust.. and that’s not a bad thing really…it’s all good from there, right? But if I bit off more than I can chew and then I say I am trusting HIm… is that crazy or what? I have had peace though through all the decisions – at least until after they were made! lol! That’s when the nervous sits in.. the wondering.. the questions…sheesh! Will it never end?
Anyway – back to trust since that’s all I have really…I am finding it really is mostly a simple choice. When I trust Him things just happen like they are supposed to. And even when they don’t happen like I thought they were going to – trust is still a factor… just gotta trust that it’s all in His hands. But isn’t that the basis of faith anyway? No matter what He is…