Posts Tagged provision

Worry vs Work

It has seriously amazed me how God has provided for us along the way. Initially when Chris was injured, people overwhelmingly gave. I knew that there would be a day that it would slow down or stop and I began to prepare myself even while we were still staying in the hospital to work online.  It took some time and patience but eventually it all opened up. There are still some who give faithfully every month – and some who don’t. I’ve also worked my backside off trying to get and keep clients and students. I was highly motivated by a statement that went something like this: tears will get you sympathy, but sweat will get you success. I decided to work rather than cry about the situation.

I guess what really got me to thinking today was the propaganda and talks about the government shut-down. Chris gets an SSI check that helps out with the rent and buys a lot of his supplies. I had this fearful thought about what I would do if he stopped getting the governmental help. I have already worked myself off foodstamps and don’t intend to ever use them again! I had this fear slip up on me today just thinking about where I’d find extra cash for the things he needs. Then I took a deep breath and thought about all the creative ways that God has provided for us on this journey. Why worry?

Of course the flip side of that is – keep working! And that’s why I am up so late tonight writing this blog. I have been setting some goals for each day and today I fell behind a bit. Some of that was because one of my clients failed to inform me of the additional work load I’d have this month. Then she all of a sudden realized she’d have to have a press report before midnight to be on schedule.. so I cranked a short one out for her. I was also distracted today. I occasionally have days where I grieve over the loss of Chris more than other days. Today was one of those days — I just miss him. Still. When the Saints game came on I was asking him if he remembered playing with the NSU band one time. They got to play the halftime show. I remember seeing some pictures – I also remember he was so excited. I wonder if he can remember stuff like that…who knows?

Anyway – I’m up because I met my goals for today including a good workout in my bedroom turned gym. But 5 comes really early so I better get to bed. I’ll just have to see if the government shutdown affects us or not tomorrow. It really won’t matter though because they are not our provider – God is!

Sometimes I don’t think people realize that the situation we live in. On one hand it’s like living in a medical emergency situation or a hospital all the time. At least a place where attention is necessary 24/7. On the other hand we are at home and we must deal with all the same issues as everyone else like keeping the lights on, having enough food or gas for the car. And add to that – I work at home. Many think that it is great and it does have some advantages. But some really don’t realize that this means I pretty much work all the time – there’s no “going home” from work. No wonder I’m tired! lol…

Well, I am really going to sleep now. But I will rest for the next few hours knowing that I am in His hands…even in the furnace.

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Getting it Together

Well, I am not really too sure that I am doing an adequate job of getting it together, but I am trying. I am seriously trying to draw back into my cave and for the most part so far – it’s working and it seems safe! I really need to refocus…but I am not sure how to do that from here. Oh sometimes I feel like I sort of have “it” all together – but that usually lasts for a brief moment! But I have been thinking about a lot of different things and somehow it seems like there is some sort of forward progress in my life…sometimes.

I’ve thought back over the last three (plus) years and this furnace that I am living in. I must say I have seen God provide even through all the adversity. As we have taken each step He has been right there providing. That is not to say that he dumped money into my bank account or anything – but I have generated a small freelance writing business that is doing pretty well. I actually have to work diligently to keep up with it. I have no complaints. My lights are on, there is food in my cabinet, we are clothed and have a vehicle. If you are aware of any parts of this journey – especially early on – you know how amazing all of that is. And of course some people have generously given… some over and over…it’s been amazing really! ….no complaints…

And Chris is still making progress. That is very good, even though it is still so very slow – there is overall improvement each day. But the improvement does not dull the constant nagging pain of knowing who he was and all he had going for him and seeing him like he is now. Nothing erases that. And that’s really what eats at me…day and night. I have to work to stay ahead of it – to keep my mind on scripture and concentrate my effort on embracing hope and faith…and that’s what can make me so tired sometimes! We’ve had these two things (hope and faith) so tied up in things we can see – we forget that they are eternal forces. They are at work outside this realm we can see – working for us toward far better goals than the physical things we can see here…

I’ve also thought a lot about people. I think about people who were large parts of my life – and are no more. People who I admittedly gave too much allegiance to and got burned… part my fault – part theirs. Some who I thought were friends only to never hear from them again. Today I thought back about when we were in the hospital and one such “friend” asked me what I needed. I told her I needed contact with people who cared and could pray for me and with me. She said she would call me every day to encourage me. I have not spoken to her since that day. Sad really…but at least there is no question in my mind now as to where she stands! lol! (you gotta laugh or it will eat you alive! ) I was also under the illusion that coming “home” to Oklahoma would help me reconnect with some of what I thought dear friendships… boy did I have some learning to do! lol!

But on the other side of things I have to think about the good relationships that have developed over the last 3 years. Some were already established and  can easily name several true friends who have continued to walk through this with me. Some of them are located in various states – but have found a way to stay connected through this whole journey. For this I am so thankful. And I must also think about the new relationships that He has given me… I have some new precious friends for which I am so thankful… both online and off. I will never make light of true friendships again…precious is the only word to describe them.

So here I am trying to get myself together to face another year of who knows what…knowing that no matter what a day brings (and I don’t take a day for granted anymore either…) He will be there with me. He will carry me through both fire and flood. Holy Spirit will comfort me – if I will sit still long enough to let Him! lol! So I am just thankful. Not for the pain, not even for the journey (honestly, I hate the journey)…but thankful that I am not alone – whether or not I can sense anyone walking with me or not… He is with me – He is my hope… and with that I can go to sleep knowing that He will see me through the night no matter how many times I have to get up with Chris – and He will see me through the day no matter what it brings….

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