Posts Tagged loneliness

Day In – Day Out

I’ve noticed that over all my day can be tied to how Chris does. When he is having a good day, I am more upbeat and energetic. But when he has lower performing days I can get discouraged more easily. Some of that is because I just want him to be better and I love seeing the progress. I forget that with a TBI you can be making fine progress with no visible evidence for a while. Lately since he has been sick I struggle more with various emotions. Today as I was thinking about it I realized that for the most part I deal with some emotions pretty much every single day. That does not mean that they have mastered me in any way. Nor does it mean that I have totally figured out how to control them. I’m just saying that every day, day-in day-out I have to deal with these emotions: depression, loneliness, and rejection.

In this morning’s devotion for caregivers ( ) I penned this statement, overlooked by church and society. And many times those feelings are very real. I still find it interesting of all the churches who know about our situation absolutely none of them reach out to us for fellowship. I think that I really do not miss the politics of today’s church but I do miss fellowship. I think some of that is because we are not all “down and out.” But I refuse to be the victim in this story! I will make it.  But the absence of others does weigh on me from time to time. I’m not saying it’s something that matters – just that it’s something I deal with. That can be difficult for someone whose love language is time.

I really battle daily with depression. It’s a constant struggle to keep from being swept under its awful tide. I have mentioned that I have developed some strategies to help combat it and they really seem to be working. I still have some days where I am susceptible to getting sucked in but usually I can manage to hold my head up. I can find things that I am thankful for everyday. Even some of the things that can be a burden. For instance, I can get behind on my work and become very overwhelmed. But in that moment I choose to be thankful that I have work to do from home so I can take care of my son like he deserves.

I’m actually getting pretty used to being alone. And I do not even watch TV much any more either! I am quite alright with a quiet house now. I don’t need to be entertained. I’m really not too sure why or how some of the things that go across the screen are considered “entertainment” anyway. I’ve actually been better since I turned it off. It does me no good to watch others seek to fulfill their lives when mine looks nothing like “normal” of any sort. And I’m okay with that…finally.

I realize that it really is up to me how I run this house. I can be all down in the dumps, depressed and woe is me! And get absolutely nowhere fast. Or I can suck it up, refuse to be the victim (although I am and I would have that “right” if I wanted to…) and figure out a way to get through all this with my faith in tact. Honestly, even in the midst of the struggles that is becoming easier. I’m not sure why.

I guess my point is that the struggle never ends just because a day ends. It’s constant day-in and day-out. It’s just that some days it is easier to work through than others. The point being I always get through it.. and I always run to Him. Really, where else would I go? He has been my refuge in the darkest night and the longest storm and He never grows weary or faint. I am very glad for that because I honestly do. I wonder if Daniel ever got tired and just wanted to go home. I’m sure Joseph did. They endured very long, difficult journeys of faith as well. So I will consider those who have gone on before and how they endured their afflictions and did not give up on God nor His promises even in the midst of their fiery trials. I will continue to hold on to the One who preserves and protects my soul – my mind, will and emotions. Tonight as I prepare to get my 6 or less hours of sleep, I will whisper Psalm 35:3 from the depths of my heart: Lord, say to my soul “I am your salvation.”  And I will wait for Him…in the furnace…

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Getting it Together

Well, I am not really too sure that I am doing an adequate job of getting it together, but I am trying. I am seriously trying to draw back into my cave and for the most part so far – it’s working and it seems safe! I really need to refocus…but I am not sure how to do that from here. Oh sometimes I feel like I sort of have “it” all together – but that usually lasts for a brief moment! But I have been thinking about a lot of different things and somehow it seems like there is some sort of forward progress in my life…sometimes.

I’ve thought back over the last three (plus) years and this furnace that I am living in. I must say I have seen God provide even through all the adversity. As we have taken each step He has been right there providing. That is not to say that he dumped money into my bank account or anything – but I have generated a small freelance writing business that is doing pretty well. I actually have to work diligently to keep up with it. I have no complaints. My lights are on, there is food in my cabinet, we are clothed and have a vehicle. If you are aware of any parts of this journey – especially early on – you know how amazing all of that is. And of course some people have generously given… some over and over…it’s been amazing really! ….no complaints…

And Chris is still making progress. That is very good, even though it is still so very slow – there is overall improvement each day. But the improvement does not dull the constant nagging pain of knowing who he was and all he had going for him and seeing him like he is now. Nothing erases that. And that’s really what eats at me…day and night. I have to work to stay ahead of it – to keep my mind on scripture and concentrate my effort on embracing hope and faith…and that’s what can make me so tired sometimes! We’ve had these two things (hope and faith) so tied up in things we can see – we forget that they are eternal forces. They are at work outside this realm we can see – working for us toward far better goals than the physical things we can see here…

I’ve also thought a lot about people. I think about people who were large parts of my life – and are no more. People who I admittedly gave too much allegiance to and got burned… part my fault – part theirs. Some who I thought were friends only to never hear from them again. Today I thought back about when we were in the hospital and one such “friend” asked me what I needed. I told her I needed contact with people who cared and could pray for me and with me. She said she would call me every day to encourage me. I have not spoken to her since that day. Sad really…but at least there is no question in my mind now as to where she stands! lol! (you gotta laugh or it will eat you alive! ) I was also under the illusion that coming “home” to Oklahoma would help me reconnect with some of what I thought dear friendships… boy did I have some learning to do! lol!

But on the other side of things I have to think about the good relationships that have developed over the last 3 years. Some were already established and  can easily name several true friends who have continued to walk through this with me. Some of them are located in various states – but have found a way to stay connected through this whole journey. For this I am so thankful. And I must also think about the new relationships that He has given me… I have some new precious friends for which I am so thankful… both online and off. I will never make light of true friendships again…precious is the only word to describe them.

So here I am trying to get myself together to face another year of who knows what…knowing that no matter what a day brings (and I don’t take a day for granted anymore either…) He will be there with me. He will carry me through both fire and flood. Holy Spirit will comfort me – if I will sit still long enough to let Him! lol! So I am just thankful. Not for the pain, not even for the journey (honestly, I hate the journey)…but thankful that I am not alone – whether or not I can sense anyone walking with me or not… He is with me – He is my hope… and with that I can go to sleep knowing that He will see me through the night no matter how many times I have to get up with Chris – and He will see me through the day no matter what it brings….

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Half My Weekend Down!

It’s funny how I dread the weekends sometimes. I have to plan ahead to beat the emotional dips that usually occur. So far I have kept my head above water this weekend. I’m not sure why the loneliness can grab ahold so much easier on the weekend. Then I get easily sucked in under the other emotional currents and it’s a tough swim to try to get out! I think it may be since I rarely see anyone on the weekends. Occasionally it’s different but for two whole days I don’t see anyone and talk to very few people…

I have actually really missed church the last couple of days… not the religious side, but church as the whole get together I guess. Maybe some of it is just the interaction with others, or the corporate worship experience…I don’t know. But I do know that there are some things I am learning about God that are better than church. I’m beginning to see HIm in a very different way – I love Him more – and I wouldn’t trade that for church any ole day!

Chris is having his “awake” cycle. He is doing really good and I am pushing him more. I hope he stays in this part of the cycle for longer periods of time…his alertness and progress makes the sleepier days more difficult to handle…But for now his progress helps me keep going on…

I have conquered half of the weekend and so far still above float. I took a more proactive approach. I have lists of things I can do so if there is a lag I can check the list and hopefully try to motivate myself to get something done. Never mind the dangers of becoming a workaholic! lol! And I have turned Skype back on. I got to Skype with a good friend today from Louisiana. I’m actually thinking of scheduling a trip down this fall to catch up with friends and catch a couple of my old hiking trails that I used to enjoy so much…

Speaking of getting out – I know I have got to figure out a way to get out at least a little more. The two hours on M-F are great and so very beneficial. But I need some “i gotta get outa here for a while” time… I figured that out when I was planning on going to my brother’s on Monday. My niece is having her 9th birthday party! I figured I would see if Chris’ dad could sit with him for a few hours so I could go. I knew that I could take Chris with me if Ronnie couldn’t sit with him. So it wasn’t whether or not I was going – it was if we were going or I was going. When Ronnie texted me back to say he could sit with Chris I nearly cried! That’s when I realized I’m going to have to figure out a way to get out a little more for things like a movie or a good day hike… it’s the logistics that are the trouble… coupled with the fact that I almost won’t ask for help!!

I am studying Job again for a project I’m working on. I started looking at it again today and I was reading through the first part of the first chapter. I thought about how awesome it would be for God to call us “upright and blameless” in all our ways…then I remembered that Job wrote the book! lol! I thought about his over inflated ego for a minute. But then I thought about the confidence that he had in God that he could recognize and say that he was blameless before HIm! I want to get to that place. I ‘m a hard cookie it seems but I am just learning to let my situation break me until I fall to pieces in Him…there’s just something about knowing HIm and who we are in Him (including blameless)…that’s worth it all… somehow…

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Enjoy Your Today – It’s the Only One You Get!

My head is playing games with me. It happens a lot more on the weekends I think. The aid doesn’t come and other than maybe a phone call from my mom I won’t even speak to anyone or hear another’s voice for the two days. That gets weird on me. I am a very social person by nature and especially on Sundays the alone-ness can engulf me. I had actually planned on pushing Chris down to a church on Lindsey street this morning. But I found out this week that they moved from the strip mall to another location…busted! Oh well….it looks like I am really meant to walk alone sometimes I just pray I can do it with grace.

I miss going to the movies, having coffee with friends and chatting about work and school. I really miss impromptu Bible studies over coffee and sharing about all the things He’s doing in our lives…I miss long bike rides and I really  miss hiking and exploring new trails! I miss going to church, hanging out for lunch with friends afterwards or heading out to grab a quick hike before evening services. I miss going to the gym to work out.

I miss going shopping for new shoes or clothes. And I miss going shopping for groceries (or anything) without having to be back home by 10 because that’s when the aid goes home. I miss meeting new people on the job… I even miss having a job! I miss Tae Kwon Do too. I miss planning day trips just for fun…and going to the zoo just because I want to. I miss taking cool pictures of nature.

I miss my life…

And there are things that I like about my new life. I like my new apartment, and my itty bitty back yard! I like that I got to plant some vegetables in the little spot! I have found I enjoy running.  Cooking is new to me again and experimenting is fun. I’m also glad that I’ve learned a lot about true friendship and I hope I can be a better friend to others down the road…

I am glad I live near my family again and get to see them a little more. I am REALLY  glad to live near my daughter and get to spend time with her… and there’s not much I enjoy more right now that playing and loving on my grandson!

I guess with life there are always goods as well as bads. It’s up to us to adjust to them accordingly so that we can handle both even when they are extreme! I really do miss parts of my life…and the one I have now isn’t all bad…it’s just way different. I will figure out how to adjust to being alone so much. I’m going to have to…

My advice to you is to enjoy your life today – it’s the only today we are ever going to have. Live each day to the fullest as you never know when it could all be ripped away…so enjoy!

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