Posts Tagged life
I’ve sure been on a roller coaster the last few weeks; but I’m trying to get back on track and hopefully stay there. I got so caught up in writing for others (that’s how we keep the lights on!) that I’ve let all my stuff go. Over the last few weeks I’ve been doing some deep thinking about everything basically. I’ve come to the conclusion that life just sucks sometimes and while there are some things that I simply do not have the power to change – there are some things that I can. And so I intend to change what I can – and that usually simply means that I need to change!
One of the things I’m doing is to reevaluate everything and then set some new goals. One of those goals being to get back to maintaining my blogs. By reevaluate everything I literally mean “reevaluate everything”! One of the biggest struggles I have had other than the obvious – is the dreams that I felt like God had given me for my life – as well as the dreams Chris had. Were they really from God; if so – why have they seemingly been discarded? If not – how was I mislead into thinking that they were God-given? See how crazy my thoughts are — and I’m not sure there is a solid answer.
I can say this though – I always saw myself (God-given or not) traveling the world. I simply love to travel and experience people, cultures, foods, and just different stuff – I love seeing things I’ve never seen before or going places I’ve never been. Well that’s just not happening like I thought it would. But I have been in most major countries around the world via Skype. I even went to Malaysia today! I’ve taught in Pakistan, prayed with and had Bible study with believers in the Philippines, and witnessed to people in China – from my living room, coffee in hand while still wearing my pajamas. At least there’s no jet lag! lol —
It’s not really the way I wanted it to happen – but it’s still happening. And that’s gotta count for something even in my super over analytical mind.
I’m going to try and keep this short because I plan on becoming more regular about writing. I started the blog to share about my journey in the furnace – I can’t say “through” the furnace because there’s really no end in sight. I think that is most difficult – how can you dream or plan if you have no idea where you are going or when you might get there?
It really does take more faith in the furnace than it does to avoid it. All I can say is that no matter how crazy my mind gets – it always comes back to the fact that He is faithful. His faithfulness does not wane in the furnace or in the suffering that never seems to lessen. He is just as faithful when I am praising Him as He is when I am wondering where He went or if He exists at all.
Right now – I’m pretty up – that’s why I figured I better get myself together before I hit another slump. oh they come – there’s no reason to deny the down times or even try to avoid them – they are going to happen. The struggle is keeping myself together and not letting life get to me. That means that I am right back where I started and where I’ve always been – in pursuit of Him.
Job said something that really got stuck in my mind – “shall we accept the good and not the bad?” I’m learning that life has lots of good stuff and lots of bad stuff… but He is faithful. He never promised that we could float through life with no sorrow, pain or suffering – but He did promise that He’d be there with us while we face the stuff life throws at us…faithful as promised!
Today was a very interesting day (as the title more than implies)! First my friend Joann came yesterday and stayed the night. She lives in Arkansas but has stayed so connected through all of the craziness of the last two and a half years. She’s been a true friend for sure! She didn’t walk away when she wasn’t sure what to do with us when our live drastically changed in a moment; she just kept walking with us…even from a distance…as so many have.
We talked, ate, pulled a few weeds in the garden and took Chris for a walk through the park here behind the apartments. It was so nice to hear another voice in the house for the weekend. I’m not real sure why the weekend can wear on me so much heavier than the week can, but it tends to. This one is about gone and I’m ready to get some sleep and start a new day tomorrow!
Something really strange happened today. I have been part of a group for most of the last two years plus – called Daily STrength. I found it and joined a couple of the online support groups there. I won’t forget the first person who talked to me on the site. His name is Shaner and he was injured in a fall accident himself. He was given so little hope of survival that the doctors had his mom sign off on his organs…but here he was writing to me, continuing his education and helping to encourage others to never lose hope! Among his first words to me that still ring out were the doctors do not have the last word! That statement brought me lots of encouragement. I’ve met other wonderful friends on DS too. (Hi Tori!!)
Today a new person wrote me. She has a son named Chris as well. He was in an accident when he was a teenager and she’s been caring for him for 7 years now. She was reading my story and wanted to “connect” as she felt she could encourage me. Our conversations are “your Chris” this and “my Chris” that…it’s kinda funny!
I’m ready to embrace whatever God has down the road. Her Chris has not spoken since his accident, yet he still continues to improve…I am saddened to think the thought what if Chris never speaks again? Honestly, I had not thought about it. I just keep working with him (which btw – he was very vocal with me today when I upset him! I swear when I asked him a question his grunt was in direct response!)
Emotions tried to suck me under…maybe I am only deluding myself…but I just can’t believe God would silence Chris’ voice. I wanted immediately to take the things I do have and get them out for all to hear! I have all his writings and some of his music (and power of attorney!) and wanted to begin to put them in books so all could share and hear the things God had already put in this young man!
So I am kinda in a weird spot tonight…totally trusting what God promised…yet trying to prepare since I don’t really know what’s ahead – or how far it is ahead! And you know what – I’m not sure it matters from here…I’m going to trust God with what each day brings…that’s all anyone can do!
I’m so very moved by some of the things in the news the last few days. A young football player lost his life, a sheriff is shot and may lose his sight in one eye…devestating tornados in Missouri today…this all rips at my heart as I know how your life can be ripped away in an instant…how fast things can change. All the things that used to be so important only boils down to one thing….relationship…with God first and with others… and really I am not sure there is even one more thing in this life that matters…not even one…
So I had this question today while my mind was wandering about in all the “things” and whether they matter or not… I want to spend my energies on the things that are eternal.. why spend it on anything else? I thought of the scripture – laying up treasure in heaven…and how our works are tried to see if we used wood, hay and stubble; or if we used gold and things that will stand in the fire….how do we build treasure for eternity? It cannot be simply going to church – or even feeding the poor – it cannot be healing the sick or even raising the dead…how do we build for eternity? How do we build what really matters?
…sorry no answers here yet… but at least I am thinking about it.. and I will let you know if I come up with something! lol! I want this cave experience to drive me into His presence…I am thinking that’s the key. And not some flakey shakey all over the church feeling that doesn’t bring about real change in my heart and life…but an intense knowledge and understanding of God and His ways.. that effectively brings about eternal changes in me… changes that last…changes that effect eternity…in me…just thinkin’…
Yeah, I have so many thing going through my mind these days. I don’t dare take the time to listen to them…lol! I pretty much have a full range of emotions going on too…not really sure how to handle it all. So for today I’m planning on working! That will keep my mind busy but my heart is still full…
This morning I was thinking about some things I want to talk to the home health people about during their visit this week. I knew there would be a mix up when I moved…but Chris didn’t get his Jevity this month. Since he’s eating one or two meals a day by mouth most days I had enough stock piled to cover it.. but that’s not the point. I was thinking of the questions I wanted to ask. But you know – so far everyone who comes pretty much sits here and tells me all the things they are going to do…and then they leave and it is undone. I just got mad thinking about how Chris falls through the cracks all the time because we don’t have insurance…and because others don’t believe he can or will get better… well, I still believe…I’m not sure why, or how – but I still believe.
My mind fights me a lot but my heart just can’t give up. I know the further we get into it the less likely he’ll ever be who he was but I am determined to love whoever emerges. I miss the Chris I knew immensely….all the time. I know he would have loved to play with Eli and I grieve that Eli will not know the Uncle Chris we all know and love…
Yet I know he’s in there – I see his responses to the things stored in there — particularly to music stuff…and it makes me hopeful…I decided to start really pushing the drum thing as he finally has all of his sticks here plus he started playing at such a young age that I know the rudiments are all filed away. He seems to respond to that pretty well…I just don’t know…would God put all that in him and then just let it waste? I guess in one way it’s not wasted anyway as Chris certainly put it to full use while he was able!
It may just be that I am finally to my breaking point…that’s not a faith-less statement for you religious folks who are reading this! It’s actually full of more faith than I’ve ever known. You see I read this statement this week after the storms hit with such a destructive force..someone said that God had just given them peace and strength to sleep right through the storm. Now to the religious mind that’s an awesome statement. But the first thing I thought of was What is it that God gave those who ran for shelter? Did He not give them His peace? We have become such an arrogant generation of “Christians.” Thinking that God gives us our little whim’s and desires…protects us from everything that hurts…etc…but He protects our spirit man… the eternal part of us – the important part! He’s not here to just serve up every little thing we want and keep us from all bodily harm…He left watching over this temple up to us. We must protect and care for the body He provided…He doesn’t do re-issues!
With that being said, I want to add that He does heal. Period. I have absolutely no doubt at all in my mind that He heals. Why He heals some and not others remains a mystery and on down days can cause quite a lot of confusion and anger. But He does still heal. And I am convinced that no matter what we will not go home until He says. Our live, our times, our heart and soul are in His hands…not our own hands. I know many may not understand where I’m coming from – but I know that God protected that inside person – the real Chris just as He takes care of our spirit man…we really cannot die unless He gives the okay for us to cross that line out of time…
To me – these thoughts offer a new level of comfort for me as I no longer can or will judge by what I see here as to whether He is my protector or not. There are lots of people who have had lots of wrecks, why some live and some die – we just may never know. I know after my wreck with the bus I would read of accidents and people who died of head injuries…and I wondered why I lived that day…who knows? As others with far less injuries died…But I know that He does not view death with the finality as we do. Psalms 116 says that the death of His saints is precious in His sight. How could death be “precious”? Because we have shed the boundaries of time and are free to live in eternity’s morning…
I have found comfort realizing that there is literally nothing – nothing – nothing that can touch our spirit – the real us…no matter what happens to our body. Chris is still in there…whether or not we ever see him like he was or not…and no head injury can change who he was…God will see to that!
My head is playing games with me. It happens a lot more on the weekends I think. The aid doesn’t come and other than maybe a phone call from my mom I won’t even speak to anyone or hear another’s voice for the two days. That gets weird on me. I am a very social person by nature and especially on Sundays the alone-ness can engulf me. I had actually planned on pushing Chris down to a church on Lindsey street this morning. But I found out this week that they moved from the strip mall to another location…busted! Oh well….it looks like I am really meant to walk alone sometimes I just pray I can do it with grace.
I miss going to the movies, having coffee with friends and chatting about work and school. I really miss impromptu Bible studies over coffee and sharing about all the things He’s doing in our lives…I miss long bike rides and I really miss hiking and exploring new trails! I miss going to church, hanging out for lunch with friends afterwards or heading out to grab a quick hike before evening services. I miss going to the gym to work out.
I miss going shopping for new shoes or clothes. And I miss going shopping for groceries (or anything) without having to be back home by 10 because that’s when the aid goes home. I miss meeting new people on the job… I even miss having a job! I miss Tae Kwon Do too. I miss planning day trips just for fun…and going to the zoo just because I want to. I miss taking cool pictures of nature.
I miss my life…
And there are things that I like about my new life. I like my new apartment, and my itty bitty back yard! I like that I got to plant some vegetables in the little spot! I have found I enjoy running. Cooking is new to me again and experimenting is fun. I’m also glad that I’ve learned a lot about true friendship and I hope I can be a better friend to others down the road…
I am glad I live near my family again and get to see them a little more. I am REALLY glad to live near my daughter and get to spend time with her… and there’s not much I enjoy more right now that playing and loving on my grandson!
I guess with life there are always goods as well as bads. It’s up to us to adjust to them accordingly so that we can handle both even when they are extreme! I really do miss parts of my life…and the one I have now isn’t all bad…it’s just way different. I will figure out how to adjust to being alone so much. I’m going to have to…
My advice to you is to enjoy your life today – it’s the only today we are ever going to have. Live each day to the fullest as you never know when it could all be ripped away…so enjoy!