Posts Tagged jobs
It has definitely been a random day today! I am not even sure where to start with all my crazy thoughts. Tonight was one of the many nights I crashed. Not really depressed, although that has been an issue in the past. I just go into overload mode or something and it’s like I can’t even function. It’s not indicative in any way that the day itself was bad- just maybe too much.
When I get like this (usually later at night) I’m not worth much at all. I don’t feel like doing anything. I can’t get my mind around working – words just don’t come out right – I don’t feel like running or exercising; I pretty much just don’t want to do anything. Tonight I started wondering if I’m just lazy. Maybe I don’t want to work or something. But then I thought back about my day – and all my typical days and talked myself out of it.
Nights like this I feel like I am a huge failure. I feel like I don’t get anything done. I know that this is not true – but it’s how I feel.
I did get a lot done today – just not enough. I’m nearly caught up with my work, between classes in school, and I tutored starting at 7 this morning. Chris sleeps in and I tutor in China and Taiwan. But then there is also all of the stuff I need to do for Chris. I bathe him, get him up, fix him something to eat and then feed him. Then it’s time for stretching, TENS unit, splints or other types of therapeutic activities. And that’s all just by about 11 in the morning. I still have writing to do!
I’m not lazy, I’m a caregiver! Those two really do not go together. Maybe we should classify the term “lazy caregiver” as an oxymoron. Caregiving itself is a full-time job, I have to remember that. But I still have to make a living on top of that. When Chris slept most of the time I had chunks of time to get my work done, thankfully he is awake more and more of the day and evening. But it leaves me less time to work. Not a complaint- just fact. I’m trying to figure it all out and adjust.
But it’s nights like these (and I’m having a lot of them lately) where I know I got a lot of beneficial things done, but it fell short of what needed to be done. I keep thinking “I’ll start over tomorrow” but it sure gets old. I’m wishing there was a restart button somewhere!
Sometimes I have to tell myself to be content. Paul said he was content in every state – whether there was abundance or lack etc. I have to find a way to walk in that kind of peace. I’m going to too!
I have to remind myself that I am not the Provider. God is my provider and I have to be content that He will take care of me body, soul and spirit. That’s not an easy task trusting Him – after all I have to believe that He allowed this to happen to my son. I question over and over. But over the last 6 years I’ve learned to trust Him in the trouble – without assuming He’s going to take me away from it. No matter what is going on it comes down to the question if I am going to fully trust Him or not.
Now I may state it through clinched teeth and white knuckled hands, but it is my choice to continue to trust Him – even on nights like these. I trust He will pick me up and dust me off one more time. So as I retire tonight, I’ll be thinking about His restoring power, His ability to pick me up and put me under His protective covering and offer me His peace. I believe I’ll just rest right there – and once again – start over tomorrow. He made each day new – and His mercies are new with the morning. (You do realize that it is always morning somewhere, right?)
It has seriously amazed me how God has provided for us along the way. Initially when Chris was injured, people overwhelmingly gave. I knew that there would be a day that it would slow down or stop and I began to prepare myself even while we were still staying in the hospital to work online. It took some time and patience but eventually it all opened up. There are still some who give faithfully every month – and some who don’t. I’ve also worked my backside off trying to get and keep clients and students. I was highly motivated by a statement that went something like this: tears will get you sympathy, but sweat will get you success. I decided to work rather than cry about the situation.
I guess what really got me to thinking today was the propaganda and talks about the government shut-down. Chris gets an SSI check that helps out with the rent and buys a lot of his supplies. I had this fearful thought about what I would do if he stopped getting the governmental help. I have already worked myself off foodstamps and don’t intend to ever use them again! I had this fear slip up on me today just thinking about where I’d find extra cash for the things he needs. Then I took a deep breath and thought about all the creative ways that God has provided for us on this journey. Why worry?
Of course the flip side of that is – keep working! And that’s why I am up so late tonight writing this blog. I have been setting some goals for each day and today I fell behind a bit. Some of that was because one of my clients failed to inform me of the additional work load I’d have this month. Then she all of a sudden realized she’d have to have a press report before midnight to be on schedule.. so I cranked a short one out for her. I was also distracted today. I occasionally have days where I grieve over the loss of Chris more than other days. Today was one of those days — I just miss him. Still. When the Saints game came on I was asking him if he remembered playing with the NSU band one time. They got to play the halftime show. I remember seeing some pictures – I also remember he was so excited. I wonder if he can remember stuff like that…who knows?
Anyway – I’m up because I met my goals for today including a good workout in my bedroom turned gym. But 5 comes really early so I better get to bed. I’ll just have to see if the government shutdown affects us or not tomorrow. It really won’t matter though because they are not our provider – God is!
Sometimes I don’t think people realize that the situation we live in. On one hand it’s like living in a medical emergency situation or a hospital all the time. At least a place where attention is necessary 24/7. On the other hand we are at home and we must deal with all the same issues as everyone else like keeping the lights on, having enough food or gas for the car. And add to that – I work at home. Many think that it is great and it does have some advantages. But some really don’t realize that this means I pretty much work all the time – there’s no “going home” from work. No wonder I’m tired! lol…
Well, I am really going to sleep now. But I will rest for the next few hours knowing that I am in His hands…even in the furnace.