Posts Tagged hope
Once again I seem at a loss for words. I keep wanting to get my dreamer out…but I am afraid to since I really do not know what to expect. That’s one thing that is turning out to be an essential element in life…dreaming. It’s what is missing with Chris – he has no dreams, no aspirations right now. And since I have no idea when or where or even if everything thing will ever be normal again I really am limited in what I can dream.
Oh there are lots of things going on; good things too. I cannot and would not deny those things. I have had many opportunities especially lately. And I guess if I concentrate real hard I can come up with some dreams inside those boundaries. I have had the opportunity of teaching via skype in Pakistan and now teach in an English school where I have mostly Russian and Brazillian students. Who would have guessed those opportunities would ever occur? I also get to join in services with my friends in Indiana on Sundays – that’s a real blessing…gotta love skype!!
But somehow there can be this major disconnect. My new norms are not normal to everyone else. And even the things we get to do are not done like anyone else. I guess this hits home on days like yesterday. Everyone else jumped in their vehicles and ran to my sister’s house. I planned on going but watched the weather closely. There’s no way I can stand out in rain or cold with Chris and try to get him in the car safely. I did finally get a break in the rain and we headed out. For most rain is not really a difficulty…you just move a little faster going in or coming out of the house. It’s not like that with Chris he moves slowly all the time! And even though he is getting easier and easier to transport – it is such a challenge just to go somewhere.
It’s kind of like I have this choice. I know no one can come and rescue me or make anything better…so I have to decide am I gonna have a pity party and just sit here? or am I going to suck it up and make a difference? I just have to not think about it – just get up and follow Nike’s advice – just do it!
Getting ready to go somewhere is like holding your breath on a thrilling ride at an amusement park. I have to just suck it up and do all it takes. I cannot think about anything – just get it all together and get out the door. Once I do – it’s not usually as bad as I thought. Of course some of this is because I have gotten stronger over the last 18 months and also learned a new way to get Chris out of the car when he doesn’t budge! – that happens mostly when we get home and there is literally no one here to help. Chris is worn out from the trip and offers no assistance!
I guess I kind of figured this out in my finances too. I heard a quote once that said tears will get you sympathy but sweat will bring you success. When I heard that I was even more determined to roll up my sleeves and figure out how to work. God has certainly ordered my steps and right now I’m not doing too badly. My lights are on, food on the table and the rent is paid! Why complain? Once I sucked it up and got busy working and finding work to do online – it all opened up.
My emotions are still all over the place. I have to wonder if they will ever level out. At times I can pretty much turn them off and just perform the tasks I have at hand for the day; but other times they try to get the best of me and drag me down. I cannot bear seeing Chris like this — knowing who he was and all he used to do. It’s like I get bogged down and I’m at a stand still. Grieving the loss – but can’t let go. When I crash like that it sets me to scrambling to find the off button. I like having them off more than on… it’s less distracting to my work! lol!
Don’t take me wrong – Chris is progressing and for that I am ever so thankful. He is going very fast for how far out he is.. and he’s doing more every single day. And I just hold my breath from day to day…sorting through emotions and thoughts and wondering what the next day will bring…sometimes what the next moment will bring.
It has been amazing to watch how God has supplied our needs through the last 3 years. I would have never dreamed of all the opportunities He has opened up. And I must say that I am curious as to how it will continue to unfold. I have so many ideas of things I want to do so that I am not just working for the other guys. (not that I mind!)
I know I am pretty much rambling… welcome to my head! lol! All in a nut shell I guess I’m trying to say that there comes a time in a tragic situation where you just have to suck it up and make the best of whatever you’ve got. But that never means you’ve given up hope. EAch day I face adverse circumstances and all sorts of trying choices that must be made on behalf of someone who cannot tell me what they want or need…so since he is still breathing and there is still life in his being.. I just keep hoping. Do I battle with thoughts that he will never come back? Yep – constantly. Do I believe that there is a chance Chris can come out of this…absolutely! But it’s not faithless to deal with what you see today.
So I will keep sucking it up – and pressing into one more day to see what it brings for us. Maybe one day – it will be very different. And maybe it won’t. But I will always have hope. Faith, hope and love….these three remain.
I do not even know where to begin. We just passed the three-year mark from the date of Chris’ wreck. I have very mixed emotions about it all. On one hand I am so happy at how well he’s doing and how far he’s come; and on the other hand I still grieve the son I lost that day…and wish he could just “come back” now… I feel these types of very mixed up emotions a lot and honestly, most of the time my emotions are swelling just under the surface.
It was the same as I watched the documentary on Abby Giffords earlier this week. I love stories like that where someone defies the odds! Her tenacity is contagious! Her statement, “I will return!” rang through my being. I am so excited for her progress in this 10 months since the tragic event. And then I am sad that we have not seen the same thing with my son. I tell myself that each brain injury is very different and they all heal differently. And I also went in after her story aired and scooped Chris up in my arms and reassured him once again that I would not give up so he better get ready to work. And he’s done pretty well with a little more pushing.
I use a lot of different tactics to keep my proverbial (and natural) chin up. I really do marvel at all God has done in the last three years and how far we have come. And even though the picture doesn’t match my imagination – I choose to rejoice in every (even tiny) bit of progress that is made – in several arenas. Because even though dealing with Chris is demanding and draining – there are so many other aspects to this journey.
One of these has been trying to survive financially. ..let’s just say I haven’t missed a meal and my lights are still on! And actually, I got a bill this week for one of the x rays on my knee (the one that showed it was finally healed!!) and I just looked at it and penciled it right in to my budget….I cannot tell you how good that felt! There have been days when I would have just fallen apart and cried and slung snot (sorry for the visual) over any extra bill. I am by no means monetarily rich – but God has provided well. Oh, I have had to roll up my sleeves and burn some midnight oil — for sure — for lots of nights…but as long as He provides the work – I’ll keep working! No complaints from here.
One of my other challenges is being able to get out to do shopping – unnecessary stuff like groceries! Aids are very sporadic and I really cannot count on them to be here. Well, for one thing I am discovering that I can order almost everything online. And I am working on the remaining items to figure out how to get them too! I literally ordered toilet paper and had it delivered to my door. You know – that’s one of those little things you don’t think about – but it can have a huge impact on your day if you run out! I had to figure out something though so that I didn’t feel trapped…and powerless…and paperless! lol!
And I am back to running – not too much because I cannot risk injury – but at least I am up and going again. You know, one quick 2 or 3 mile run and I can solve all the worlds’ problems in my head! lol! I really need the tension release and it is challenging to me. (I did win a third place medal in my last race last week!! – and yes there were more than three people in my age group!
And somewhere in the midst of what feels like constant turmoil somehow His peace reaches me…inexplainable really…but very much enjoyable and appreciated! I find myself in a state of constantly pursuing Him even though I want to run away… I do not know if that makes sense – but I understand it…
I find my soul’s peace and rest in Him event though I have so many unanswered questions running through my head and heart…I find that He is so inside me that I can’t even try to find peace anywhere else! lol! His word brings comfort even though I am frustrated with what seems like His slowness to answer. Yet I will continue to trust – and look for non-religious answers. LEt me leave you today with my scripture for the day. It’s 2 Thessalonians 3:16: May the Lord of peace Himself continually grant you peace in every circumstance. The Lord be with you all!
Today Chili’s is donating all of their profits to St. Jude’s in Memphis, TN. I am making my plans to find a way to order a meal so that I can have part in this massive campaign. You see it was only a few short years ago that I made a few trips up there with some of my fellow teachers to see a student who was suffering with leukemia. We would make a short trip of it… drive up from Louisiana to Memphis after school on Friday, spend all day with John and his mother, then try to make it home by sometime late Saturday night. (we sometimes had to stop and get rooms and roll on in early Sunday morning….)
I cannot speak for my colleagues, but I have never regretted those trips. John passed away in the same year. But thinking about Chili’s promotion today sparked my memories of ST. Jude’s. I remember specifically how happy John was to see us, even though we were his teachers (we did take a couple of students with us a time or two…). But this morning I thought more about how his mom would cling to us when we got there…how she visited and painfully shared her heart when John wasn’t listening. The male teacher would head out for John to give him some sort of tour and his mom would unload all of the grief of the moment that comes from watching your son suffer so…all the questions…all the doubts… the fears… and the hopes.
I really had no idea what those trips must have meant to her. Most of the time she was there alone with John. Her husband would come up sometimes but there were younger children at home that had to have some sort of “normal” maintained for them so he did not come but on weekends some.
It’s funny (not haha funny either) how experience brings understanding. Until I had faced the last three years I could not understand what our trips up must have meant to her…and to John I’m sure. Now I know at least in part how wonderful it is to get a phone call, instant message, text or a visit from a friend. It really does mean so much to us who are “going through” when someone takes a few seconds of their time to step away from their own burdens and spend a moment to say they care…or that they are praying for you.
I really didn’t know until now… so for those who have taken a moment and shared a phone call, a note or just dropped by to say, “Hi!” It really means so much…thank you. And if you haven’t yet – find someone today to call, or send a card to, pray for them – then tell them you prayed for them…You see, I never knew what it meant…until now.
I really have no words to describe how I feel right now. And yes I know, the thought of me being speechless will really strain the imagination of those who know me best! lol! Perhaps this is one reason why I just decide to be silent. But with Chris getting better, we have been getting out a little more as you can tell by recent posts.
Today was rough. I’m not sure why except that my emotions are stretched beyond belief and there are so many demanding circumstances right now that I can barely think at all! But we took him to speech therapy today. When we got back my neighbor had taken my parking spot! I kinda took it personal. Maybe it’s because my emotions are fried and I made way too much out of it. But it sure felt like she was trying to “make a point” that the handicap spot was not just mine. The thing that made that stick out is that first there are no advantages to parking there like a ramp – it’s just a spot that makes it easier to load and unload Chris. There were actually spots closer to her apartment that she could have chosen…and I know it really doesn’t matter – but when the pain is in your heart all the time and it does not go away – little things like that just add more grief…and it gets heavier.
Then Medicaid has decided that they don’t want to pay for some of the equipment that they okayed over a year ago. Now after they approved it and then didn’t pay the company is sending me a bill. I told the guy I’ll buy a bed and they can come get everything…I figure it will work out.. but why does everything have to be so difficult? I’m just trying to take care of my son….
I know I have gotten lost in the shuffle but it sure seems like it would be nice to just stay in my four walls and not venture out any more. It’s safer here. It’s small – but I know exactly what to expect from here. Unless you have had to do all the loading and unloading you really cannot understand the emotional and physical part of it all…and I wouldn’t expect you to. But when I say “I took Chris to therapy” — it’s a simple, short phrase – but has huge implications. It makes me sigh just thinking about taking him next week again…and right now I even have help – for which I ma most thankful!!
I’m looking for faith…for hope…grace…anything really….And it all seems so far away. My life has changed forever…it is not coming back. I cannot make up the freedom I lost…
And yet there is nowhere I’d rather be right now than taking care of my son… welcome to the crazy emotions of a caregiver…the love drives us on through the dark – into the unknown…just to stand by our loved one’s side….no matter what…
I feel like I have to push Chris so he can regain some sort of independence for when I am gone. I do not want him to be a burden when I pass on out of time…a day I look forward to really (not like I want to go today though either!! lol!!)…I want to get him at least where he can function on some level for whoever may need to take care of him then…I’m human – and I am aging….it’s a fact that I must face….while I just keep looking for faith…for hope…grace…anything really…
It has been crazier than usual the last week or so…too many changes. I think I found out I really am pretty anal when my schedule gets interrupted. I think I just float around in this fog and stumble through the days until I can get back to some sort of order! Where do I begin?
Chris’ aid gave us a week’s notice that she would be quitting. I was getting set to not have an aid…after I sorted it all out and found some advantages I could major on I was fine with it..thought it might be nice to have the change. And then they called and sent another one…that’s good…except that I had already set my mind on course to be without…she started yesterday – very nice lady and actually is a CNA with some caregiving experience. That helps…but it sent my emotions in a crazy way –
I had them all geared for what I thought was ahead and then Bam! it all changed and it is taking me some time to do more adjusting to more unknowns. Her hours are crazy so it jeopardizes my running career… got that worked out somewhat. I got a treadmill…I don’t have to miss a mile of my training – I just have to get used to the treadmill – very different running there…
I guess it was so frustrating because really running is the only thing I have that is uniquely mine. You know? It was my escape – I could get out – see fresh sites and get all my tension out while pounding the pavement. Now I run in the living room.. just not the same and I just can’t help but feel that I was stolen from once again…not sure what to do with that emotion…
On the other side of things – Chris is doing really well. Movement is returning and he’s initiating a lot more of them. He is doing so good! That’s encouraging…although I guard against getting too excited. Please forgive me, but it’s been a long journey and I don’t want to falsely anticipate an end any time soon…I can’t see that far…
I still hope – but wonder what Chris will be like when this is done. I can’t help but miss him.. a hurt that can’t be fixed. However, I try to concentrate on the good things that are happening around us and for us.
I won’t go into all our boring details, but things feel better overall….I have to think of the scripture that says these three remain: faith hope and love…I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. Faith to hope – faith makes love work…and love is an energy…the same entity that was a part of God – that is God – that caused Him to send His son so we could have a way back to Him…gotta hold on to that sometimes… does that seem shallow? Maybe to some – love is such a basic concept – but in our religious circles – we’ve exchanged it for law and need to learn His love once again….
Sometimes it seems like God has this huge eraser and He can just wipe it all clean. I’m not sure how He does it at all, but it happens. Like this week, I have really struggled. Overall I think I do at least fair with the situation I’ve been handed. But then there are those days where I get sucked in and life spits me out. Those are the times I tend to explode on God. But you know what? He’s big enough to handle it. He made me and so He understands me. He remember that I am only flesh and blood and sometimes my emotions can run totally away with me. But He has broad enough shoulders to carry me through even when I cannot see or feel HIm near. He can take my tongue lashing and my doubt and do what He does best and I do worst…wait.
When I am down it is really difficult sometimes to do the daily devotions for caregivers. I feel like I need it most, but I hate it on days when I just don’t have it to give. But yesterday as I was thinking about it I saw this scripture and figured I could use it in today’s post. (www.dailydevotionsforcaregivers.blogspot.com) Mica 7:8 says this: Do not gloat over me, my enemies! For though I fall, I will rise again. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord HImself will be my light.
This morning when I got up I was just feeling better. I have no idea why. It’s just that I let the emotions get out of control on this full plate of mine…and it can be quite a mess to clean up. Sometimes I feel bad for feeling bad! But as one of my friends told me recently – I really need to give myself a break somtimes…it’s not an easy life to live and if anyone is going to cut me some slack, it should be me! (after all, I am the only one who has to live with me!!)
In preparing for the devotion this morning I turned to Micah 7:8 and read it again and then I found the coolest thing…and example of God’s Me-raser. Because in verse 9 it says this: I will bear the indignation of the Lord because I have sinned against HIm until He pleads my case and executes justice for me. He will bring me out to the light, and I will see His righteousness. I was like, What?!? I sin and He pleads my case? I lose faith while He remains faith-full!?! I am groping around in the dark trying to find a thread of hope somewhere and He remains hope-full….for me?!? wow…
What a story of grace…
What a song of mercy…
yet remaining and strong.
I’m glad God has a big me-raser –now I can make it one more day on this journey of life.
Well, almost anyway. It’s been a long day. It was a quiet day and I think that may have made it longer. I really don’t like listening to my own voice so much! I’m sure Chris doesn’t either! His first words will probably be “Will you please shut-up?” lol! He doesn’t seem to be too annoyed at me too much. And he’s getting pretty good at being able to show it…like this morning.
It was one of those times I let it get to me; well, we have a schedule to keep you know! But Chris decided he didn’t want to get up… and he literally pulled his arms in so I could not get his shirt on him! I got too frustrated because our schedule is really working so well and we were running just a little behind. I was flustered, especially when his stomach started growling! (Which is a really good sign of improvement!) So I finally tossed the controller on the bed and told him to call me when he was ready to get up! I came in the living room for a few minutes until I could quiet myself down. Then I felt bad for being upset…and glad because he made a choice! – but it was the wrong one! lol! We worked it out and he got up fine in a few minutes, guess he figured it was Sunday!
And there were other improvements along the way today as well… but you can check them out at the new blog I made for him. I am putting updates so many places I finally just started one blog and that’s where all the updates will be from now on! It is simple to find and read. Check it out at www.updatesonchrishampton.blogspot.com
I am working to make my life more productive and simpler at the same time. so far it’s working, at least I think it is! I worry that I am becoming more of a workaholic to give me something to do. But I don’t think I am. I have lots of work, but I am so breaking it up to give Chris the things he needs in a day too. We have a really good routine now – and I finally am nailing good bed time habits. It’s funny how much more you can do when you get organized, isn’t it?
It seems like there’s so much going on even though I am home all the time… I feel so stretched out inside.. you know? I have to work and care for Chris and remember to take care of me in there too.. somehow. Well, I shower, and I eat! Oh yeah – and I run! That oughta do it! I’m busy and have a full schedule but I can still feel so empty sometimes. I think doing the devotional for care givers has helped me a lot. I know I did it to help others but I have to get myself in line before I can write it! And that actually helps me get things in perspective each morning.
Speaking of caregivers…I was really sad this morning when I was in a support group for caregivers and found that all the things I deal with (extreme emotions, loneliness) is all too common…I was glad that we could understand each other…but sad that it happens every where. People can walk with you for a while, but when it goes on for years they bail. I tried to explain that it wasn’t because they don’t care but because they don’t know what to do with us…and over and over the church is mentioned…they really don’t know what to do with people who do not have the ability to come to their church. I’m still trying to remember why I spent all those years going…
One good thing that God is bringing out of the terrible situation is that I am getting to know Him without the filters of the church. We tend to see HIm through church shaped glasses…but He doesn’t really fit in them…And for that I am thankful. I wrote this in my journal this morning:
I still have this intense desire to be with God – to know Him – to know His ways
but now it’s coming out differently.
It’s not a pray-until-you-see-it or sing-until -He-comes kind of thing
it’s a day by day unfolding of His heart in my daily walk
when I don’t walk with Him – I dont’ see HIm
But when I position myself to see Him
He reveals Himself to me more and more
until my actions are determined by His
It sounds crazy that I would know Him more in a dungeon experience…in a sort of prison I would encounter His sweet presence.. but then if I have the facts straight His specialty is making beauty from ashes!
I know I still have another day to go until I get to Monday – but as any of you who might read more than one or two entries know weekends can be a tough time. There’s no “break” in the day since the aid doesn’t come and sometimes the only voice I hear is my own. I have to be careful or I will start dreading the weekend.
Well, today was fine – really. I have more work to get done as I have added another client to my newfound “freelance writing” work I’ve been doing. And I’m making lots of changes too.. lots of them. Those who get my newsletter will know in a day or two… it’s a long story. But anyway it is going to be a little easier on my budget. But it’s keeping me busy anyway…
Chris is doing good too – that always helps. Plus I actually talked to several people on the phone today and that helps too… I’m sure Chris gets so tired of just hearing me talk. It’s kina funny and I think I am old enough to blame it on age but I talk to Chris so much that I’ve got to where I just talk all the time. Like when I am in the kitchen and he’s in the bedroom.. just keep on talkin’! Oh well….
Anyway it also helped that my nephew, Jakob, came by for a few minutes last night. He nearly go shot, but it was good that he came by! Usually I don’t have visitors in the evening and he didn’t call to say he was coming by. So when I heard my storm door open about 9 last night my first thought was “where’s my gun?” But he identified himself in time! lol! I think I may put my bo over by the door though!
The coolest thing from today was when I opened the blinds on my patio door there was a beautiful pure white flower that had opened up since I’d closed them last night! I got way too excited when I saw it! I enjoyed it all day too! I’ll share a pic…if there’s one thing I am learning, it’s to enjoy the little things like that along the way. I thought of that the other day when I was running the trail.. there are all these different kinds of flowers along the sides of the trail. They are all so different. SOme are elegant, and some are dainty. Many have vibrant colors that scream for attention, while others are more subtle and you really have to look for them to find them…and my favorite (if I wasn’t running I’d take a picture) is this real spindley stem about 2 feet tall. It’s green but bare with hardly any leaves. But at the top is this poof of beautiful purple pedals! It’s amusing and kinda pretty at the same time! .. sorry rabbitt trail…
So I was thinking today about how difficult it is sometimes to keep faith when Chris is sitting here. I see the progress and I get so excited. And really the last couple of weeks somehow seem like he’s made a lot of progress in a short time…that’s encouraging. But then I look up and he’s drooled on himself…and I lose it once again. It’s this seesaw thing that goes back and forth pretty much all day everyday. But in my thoughts today I was thinking about how at times it’s easy to believe, and other times it’s easier to let doubt creep in…but in my heart it’s much easier to believe than it is to continue in doubt…I am not sure how that works. And I know the medical professionals that work with us really don’t believe Chris is so much better. I don’t see them fighting to get him therapy even though I know he’s ready…because they don’t believe.
That’s when I wish there was some button where I could push it and God would just raise Chris up and I’d say, “Now you see?” But then if there was one, I certainly would have pushed it a long time ago…And I don’t have any driving need to prove anything to anyone really. It’s their problem honestly..while I continue to wait on Him…and I think that is still the key – even though it makes me mad sometimes…not mad to wait, mad to know it’s the key!
It’s getting late I gotta bolus Chris and then head to bed to get a little sleep before we get up at 5 and start all over again tomorrow…but the weekend is half way down. I asked Chris if he wanted to just have church with me again in the morning.. he didn’t say no! So I guess we’re on.
Here’s a pic of my “good morning” flower:
Actually for those still reading this has a very interesting story, I think. It was in the pot with the tulips that bloomed the day I moved in here. I left it because I knew it looked like a “real flower” of some sort. The lillies are gone, then the roses bloomed. After they stopped a gorgeous orange daisy came up near the edge of my garden. It’s just about done its job and I’ve been watching this bud for a long time…just waiting. Then last night it looked so pale. I wondered if there was something wrong with it and I was saddened to think it might not get to bloom… that’s why it was such a shock this morning when it was standing out there so beautifully!
Yeah, I have so many thing going through my mind these days. I don’t dare take the time to listen to them…lol! I pretty much have a full range of emotions going on too…not really sure how to handle it all. So for today I’m planning on working! That will keep my mind busy but my heart is still full…
This morning I was thinking about some things I want to talk to the home health people about during their visit this week. I knew there would be a mix up when I moved…but Chris didn’t get his Jevity this month. Since he’s eating one or two meals a day by mouth most days I had enough stock piled to cover it.. but that’s not the point. I was thinking of the questions I wanted to ask. But you know – so far everyone who comes pretty much sits here and tells me all the things they are going to do…and then they leave and it is undone. I just got mad thinking about how Chris falls through the cracks all the time because we don’t have insurance…and because others don’t believe he can or will get better… well, I still believe…I’m not sure why, or how – but I still believe.
My mind fights me a lot but my heart just can’t give up. I know the further we get into it the less likely he’ll ever be who he was but I am determined to love whoever emerges. I miss the Chris I knew immensely….all the time. I know he would have loved to play with Eli and I grieve that Eli will not know the Uncle Chris we all know and love…
Yet I know he’s in there – I see his responses to the things stored in there — particularly to music stuff…and it makes me hopeful…I decided to start really pushing the drum thing as he finally has all of his sticks here plus he started playing at such a young age that I know the rudiments are all filed away. He seems to respond to that pretty well…I just don’t know…would God put all that in him and then just let it waste? I guess in one way it’s not wasted anyway as Chris certainly put it to full use while he was able!
It may just be that I am finally to my breaking point…that’s not a faith-less statement for you religious folks who are reading this! It’s actually full of more faith than I’ve ever known. You see I read this statement this week after the storms hit with such a destructive force..someone said that God had just given them peace and strength to sleep right through the storm. Now to the religious mind that’s an awesome statement. But the first thing I thought of was What is it that God gave those who ran for shelter? Did He not give them His peace? We have become such an arrogant generation of “Christians.” Thinking that God gives us our little whim’s and desires…protects us from everything that hurts…etc…but He protects our spirit man… the eternal part of us – the important part! He’s not here to just serve up every little thing we want and keep us from all bodily harm…He left watching over this temple up to us. We must protect and care for the body He provided…He doesn’t do re-issues!
With that being said, I want to add that He does heal. Period. I have absolutely no doubt at all in my mind that He heals. Why He heals some and not others remains a mystery and on down days can cause quite a lot of confusion and anger. But He does still heal. And I am convinced that no matter what we will not go home until He says. Our live, our times, our heart and soul are in His hands…not our own hands. I know many may not understand where I’m coming from – but I know that God protected that inside person – the real Chris just as He takes care of our spirit man…we really cannot die unless He gives the okay for us to cross that line out of time…
To me – these thoughts offer a new level of comfort for me as I no longer can or will judge by what I see here as to whether He is my protector or not. There are lots of people who have had lots of wrecks, why some live and some die – we just may never know. I know after my wreck with the bus I would read of accidents and people who died of head injuries…and I wondered why I lived that day…who knows? As others with far less injuries died…But I know that He does not view death with the finality as we do. Psalms 116 says that the death of His saints is precious in His sight. How could death be “precious”? Because we have shed the boundaries of time and are free to live in eternity’s morning…
I have found comfort realizing that there is literally nothing – nothing – nothing that can touch our spirit – the real us…no matter what happens to our body. Chris is still in there…whether or not we ever see him like he was or not…and no head injury can change who he was…God will see to that!
We went to Louisiana this weekend to get the rest of Chris’ things. The guy who had his stuff has been so patient and never told me to come get it or that I couldn’t keep it there any more. It’s been there for two and a half years until this weekend, and he never said a thing but that it was safe and not hurting anyone! My sister and brother-in-law drove down Saturday and got it all!
I have to admit I had a couple of pretty good melt downs. I was holding up pretty good on the way down but when I saw his stuff sitting there on the patio I could feel it all coming up…I tried not to breathe…but when I opened the closet and there were all his clothes I just lost it…Tina, my sister, just cried with me. There was nothing else to do. Then I sucked it up and we got it all loaded.
Yesterday I worked on going through it all and getting it put away. I will not even try to pretend like that was easy. Some things are neat, like the picture I found that he had of me and him and Ronella’s wedding. It was framed and I knew he had it up somewhere in the room. I found he had so many lyrics and thoughts written on things and as I read through some of them I realized how much alike we are. We have similar thoughts on religion and truth and God…and the kid had pens, pencils and paper in pretty much every bag!
I had thought I’d just get rid of stuff like clothes and we could buy more later if and when he gets better. But I couldn’t do it. I washed up the shirts and shorts I thought he could wear now and hung them in the closet. Then I boxed up everything except his nice clothes (they are hung too). The really nice part of this is that I replaced the shirts in the closet with his own clothes. He wore a NSU marching band shirt yesterday and his own shorts! Even his own shoes for the first time in 2.5 years…but then he looked more like Chris…
When he was in the nursing homes his clothes had to have his name on them. That’s totally understandable! But I hated it! So yesterday out went all the name tagged clothes and socks!! I don’t know why that means so much to me, but I keep telling him, “These are your socks Chris!” I don’t think he cares! lol! But it means a lot to me! No more name tags!
I realized in my emotional upheaval that it’s really not the caring for Bubba that gets to me. That’s a natural response from a heart filled with love for someone.But its missing the real him…who he was. All his drumsticks and music stuff…shirts from various events…books and cds and dvds…and he doesn’t care a bit! However, he has been responding to the drumsticks. He will take one and start moving his arm all around..it’s kind of weird he can be sitting perfectly still but if I hand him a stick he begins to move his arm up and down and back and forth real slow…
I wanted to show him everything all at once and see what he would respond to! But I didn’t want to overload him! lol… but I did show him a few things throughout the day. He seriously responded to his stick bag. He stared at it for a long time. Then I told him, “open it up and show me what you have in there.” He started moving his finger and thumb and reaching for the zipper! I had to help him do it but he opened it and we looked at his sticks! That was pretty cool as he really stared at them…I wish I knew what he thinks…
I have pretty much stayed a basket case since Saturday…hoping to find some level ground. It’s honestly hard to even think of a scripture to console myself from here…sorry – there just isn’t one! I just keep thinking that God promised to restore and I am asking HIm over and over if He meant it or not… It’s just not in me to give up – and Chris keeps getting just a little better all the time…I just don’t know who he will be on down the road or if the rest of our lives looks like this…waiting…hoping…wondering…
I have to keep reminding myself how far he has come just to keep myself breathing. Faith I am thinking is just keeping on keeping on..putting one foot in front of the other no matter what I see or feel. I want to give up – but my heart won’t let me! So we just keep pushing Chris day by day and praying that one day God will hear….