Posts Tagged freedom
I think I am ready to write again…too many times my life seems to be a roller coaster and I avoid writing when I am on the down side. I never want to be a negative person so when the struggle gets too difficult to handle or express I just get quiet; at least on the outside. My insides are usually going a thousand miles an hour with thoughts and emotions that I am too afraid to express. But I think I have leveled out a little bit and can again begin to share my journey of faith.
Over the last few weeks I have really drawn away from everyone and everything…not that there are many people or things around to actually draw away from! lol. I even quite posting on Facebook as much. I figured if anyone wanted to know how I was they could find out without having to dig through all the trash that litters our Facebook wall. Anyway – I think a lot of that is the loneliness that chips away at my social sanity. Other than racing I really have no social life. And yet I am able to get Chris out a little more of late – when he is doing well…I was able to take him to my granddaughter’s dedication a couple of weeks ago. That was nice.
But even when I take him out there are all these emotions that go crazy. I wonder how he will react to what ever is going on around, will he sleep? Will he keep his head down or interact with others? Will he sit and drool on himself? And deep inside is the painful realization that those who meet him now – have no idea who he really is…or was. They are meeting a crippled man who has the gift of music inside – full of insightful questions and philosophical thoughts…who cannot think them or express them now. I think I sort of fear their response too…guess it’s just normal from here; but I so wish they knew the Chris I know…
And then there’s the uncertainty of how he will work with me. Here’s what I mean – he’s getting better which is good but means that as he is regaining his muscle control he decides whether he wants to help or fight me! lol. It’s a good problem to have – but I have had people walk right past me while I am trying to get him out of a vehicle with no success – and never offer to help. BUT at the same time – I have a cool neighbor who will come out if he sees us there and always help me get him out of the car. I guess there’s some of everything huh? But it makes it hard for me to get myself together to take him out.
It’s funny how we can get invites to go places. I always think they have no idea of what that looks like. They have no idea that we cannot just get in the car and go like everyone else. I have to wrestle him in the car – which is rough by myself – but doable! Then break down the chair into smaller pieces so that I can get it all in the car. Then there is the drive – and then I have to get the pieces of the chair back out of the car and put it all back together and then hope Chris helps me when I go to get him out of the car. And of course that’s all repeated to get back home. I am always pretty glad I went – but tired when I get home. It’s difficult for me to not want to draw completely away and let everyone come to me.
So anyway – the last few weeks I have been on the down swing and drawn away. I really wanted to give up on faith. Now you understand I look at faith differently than other people. Adversity has a way of helping us understand many things in a different light. I go through times when I get angry with God – I guess for letting all this happen and for allowing my son to be taken away like this. When the struggle gets too intense I tend to shut off…I really wanted to find an “off” button so the constant pain would stop. In my frustration I wanted to give up – completely. But I have found that trying to live a life without God is like trying to breathe without air. It’s natural – and necessary for life.
So here I go once again trying to make one more day with my sanity and faith intact. Right now I feel so far away from both…and from the rest of the world. It’s like I live in a different world than everybody else. For the most part I can endure the days. But then little things happen like when I take out the trash and see someone taking an evening run through the park; and I miss the freedom that I used to take for granted. Memories of just deciding to go grab a burger (when I used to eat meat! lol), deciding to head out on a hike, or spontaneously going to see what’s on at the movie.. are only memories now. There is no spontaneity every day is mostly the same. I think it is complicated somewhat when aides do not show up as scheduled and I needed to run to the store or go for a run. These are not complaints – I’m mostly ok with the way life is right now – not like I could change it anyway I just as well be content. Unless you have been a captive of life – you will not understand the perceived loss of freedom.
So today here is where I am – I am breathing. But with every breath I am realizing that as much as I need the air – I need Him to help me walk through this furnace. It does not matter how different I must live than others – it does not matter how long this journey lasts; I need Him.
Several things happened today. First, Chris was really with it – one of his better days. I took advantage of it and tried to do some drum stuff with him. (I ordered some basic cd’s from Modern Drummer) then while I had his computer out I saw he had his testimony in his playlist. I played some of it for him. His voice sounded so great! It was really bitter sweet as it made me so glad to hear it once again…and equally as sad to not hear it coming from him…
This was the first Monda of the month and Dennis Jernigan has praise and worship live from his studio. I always try to catch this live broadcast each month. He sang a song tonight that just really expressed some of the words I could not find. I got on his site and downloaded the cd. It was written for some of his friends who lost a child. I could seriously relate to so many of the songs. And for a few minutes it was just okay to hurt.
He talks of God’s love in the night and in the storm…but isn’t it supposed to kind of come and go? This is a pain that does not ever go away. Even if I am pretty much dealing with the day – it’s just under the surface…always. I’ve said before that I cannot bury Chris and go on…yet he is here – but he’s not. I don’t even know how to deal with this. I just hurt…but you know what? It’s okay!
It’s not a pain I can seek counseling for – as there is no healing because it’s ongoing. I can’t pray it away, sing it away, hope it away…because all the hope in the world (and trust me I still have mine!) does not change today. I a realizing that sometimes I have to give myself permission to hurt. It really is okay. I’m not talking about wallowing around in self-pity or throwing a pity party (but I have thrown a few.. depressing as I am the only one to show up!! lol!) … but there comes a place where the freedom to hurt… to acknowledge the pain …has to happen. I can’t say as it makes anything any better… nothing does really…but there’s this real honesty that you have with yourself in that moment…
You feel the pain, the deep hurt and loss – a continued grief…and you allow it for that moment. It’s like telling yourself the truth…finally. And quite honestly – tonight I found it freeing… can’t really explain it. Guess the truth really does set you free! lol!
It’s like when I admit how deep the pain is – He comes closer…and His embrace…in that empty – dry -painful place — becomes the refreshing of your soul. Like He is not welcome as long as we are lying to ourselves. somehow that makes since since the Holy Spirit is the Spirit of Truth…
I think we cannot cast our cares on Him .. if we do not first admit they are there.
I am not sure where I will even start here… my emotions are all over the place… you should recognize that by the silence of the pen. When i am totally overwhelmed I do not write – I know – backwards…but just the way I am. Since I don’t know quite where to start I’ll just jump in.
Yesterday I was totally surprised…like a real surprise – don’t think anyone ever got me this good. My friend Prophetess Mary from Indianapolis had requested a skype meeting at a certain time. Which was really odd…but I agreed. While we were “chatting” this group of people walked through my front door being led by my daddy carrying three pizzas. I was like “what the….?” To keep it short basically my friend Mary and my daughter Ronella had collaberated and came up with a big surprise “minister’s appreciation” party for me! It was quite amazing that they pulled it off using facebook and texting! lol!
I just kept thinking that I was so unworthy of such a party. All that was going through my mind was how I felt I had given up on ministry…I really want a new definition on that term…I think some of my trouble is of course from the abandonment I have felt…as far as how the journey has been too long for the “church” to help me carry the load…I’m better off for it though.. I’ve said before – Chris and I were the church’s test…and we fail miserably. And I fail miserably… I have wanted to give up on literally everything…everything…and all of the hopelessness and faith-lessness kept going through my mind.
Don’t get me wrong – I felt very appreciated and loved and it was an amazing experience that I will not soon forget! I very much appreciated it…I just couldn’t get past my own inadequacies…at that point. But when you get to the end of this post (if it goes like I think it will…) you’ll see what actually happened in teh spirit realm because of this spark they started yesterday….
So today I was still struggling with my “supposed to’s…” you know…
supposed to write
supposed to sing
supposed to write music
supposed to teach
But I keep getting hung up on where I am at. As my thoughts captured me and I fell into a pity party and got back around to all those questions about dreams… did He give them or did I make them up myself… type questions…I had this thought – why would He speak things into me and not plan on them happening? I shook it off though – it couldn’t have been God! After I thought about it a little bit I just got plain mad…then totally depressed. How could He expect me to fulfil the call He placed inside of me from here? Inside the furnace…inside the cave…inside this prison…?
So I took Chris for a walk through the park. He hated it.. toned out on me (I think the wind bothered him) I told him I was sorry but we both needed some sunlight. (I hadn’t been out since last Monday)…When we got back I let him lay down for a nap and I jumped on the treadmill for a quick training run…by the time I got off…I was okay. My conclusions?
I decided this is where I am (..deep huh?) I can either let it be my prison or figure out how to be free while bound. Unless God performs some big miracle (which honestly I doubt at this time…) this is it. I have lived the life I was going to live and now the rest of my days will probably be spent taking care of Chris and making sure that when I am gone he is okay enough to be cared for easily….that’s just the way it is. But that does not mean it has to be my prison…
I will figure out how to take him places. It is very difficult on my own – but as he is getting better (and is getting amazing at getting in and out of the car ) I have to get out… I’ll figure out how to not let the stares get to my emotions… and how to not let his deformities eat at me as people walk by and I wish he could walk or talk like them again… I’ll figure out how to get past the emotions of hearing music and longing for him to play one more song…I’ll figure it out! I don’t know how yet – but I will!
So I decided that since God put some stuff in me and wasn’t going to change His mind no matter how I pouted or fussed or refused…I better get busy. So I am trying to get to writing agian… probably a real weak attempt – but hey – it’s an attempt….
So I sat here tonight thinking about how this will not be my prison…and some of the things I can do to start getting Chris out…and try to do it without fear… which isn’t going to happen…but in the fear I am determined…to find a way to keep this prison from imprisoning me…and to know God outside the church’s weak walls. I do not want to read the word anymore and make it fit our organized religion…I’m hoping some parts will start to make more sense without my religious jargon….
So this morning while joining Prophetess Mary at her gathering in her home via Skype….and the Lord pulling at my heart and me trying to pull back as hard as I could…I kept thinking about how I don’t want to do music, or teach, or preach (or share if you do not believe in women preachers! lol — too late!)…And the birthing I went through all day long to come to a sense of peace in it all… from here….
Only to have my friend from Pakistan hook up with me via Facebook…(instigated by Mary I am sure now…and Holy Spirit of course) and I am teaching via SKype agian in Pakistan this weekend….did I mention I don’t feel like teaching? lol…
So here I am getting ready to retire for the night…bolus Chris.. tell him how much I love him and how good he’s doing one more time today…and determining to live from here…somehow…some way. I simply cannot find it inside myself to think that God would put a bunch of stuff in me to do and tease me by not making it possible…so there has to be a way…from here. Sure it doesn’t look like I thought it was going to…but hey – I’ve been surprised at least once before!
I have a terribly wonderful problem! Actually it’s two-fold and causing me to really have to get it together. I picked up a third client to write for…that means my work load has really increased. That is the wonderful part because the more I write, the faster I complete projects the more money I can make. Then there are days like yesterday where I just get bogged down in the emotions of the situation and have such a diffcult time nailing down discipline! And I was really tired too…that was a terrible combination that worked against me!
I have to figure out how to discipline myself even through the stress of each day. I’m sure if I get hungry enough it will motivate me to work harder! lol!
The other side of the “problem” that has a positive aspect as well – is that Chris is getting better. He’s awake longer through the day and much more aware of his surroundings. I don’t want to sit at the computer all day and miss working with him like he needs…Add that together and then I stress out — then nothing gets done lol!
It’s really become a balancing act. I work awhile then feed Chris, let him rest a few minutes while I work on a project. Then I stretch his arms (which he seems to actually like) then while he rests for awhile I work some more.. and that goes on pretty much all day! It’s like living in a three ring circus!!
But over all – even when I am totally stressed out – I am excited about getting some work. It’s taken me well over 2 years to find a way to do it up right. It offers me the freedom to dream just a tiny bit. Because if I can work online – I can live anywhere. And it seems that when I feel that freedom the situation doesn’t seem so binding. However, I will also admit that I am not allowing myself the liberty of dreaming yet…it’s far too dangerous! After having all my dreams stripped away in moment it makes me nervous to think about it any more. And it’s seemed impossible…to dream…so I won’t. But I have prayed that the Lord will restore the dreams that HE dreamed for me and Chris too. I pray that those He will restore… and I can just let my own dreams go…
I must trust Him for each day.. as it comes..and goes…so I will continue to do so.. while I say a quick prayer of thanksgiving for His provision… then gotta get to typing!!