Posts Tagged fear

Can’t Explain It…

It’s no secret I have had my share of moments where I have been angry with God. I really think given the circumstances that it is “normal.” I still struggle with feeling as though I have absolutely no faith. And I feel like a major trust was broken as I always trusted Him to protect my kids…which He did in a much deeper way than just physical…but that understanding does not lessen the pain of the natural.

But there’s just something inside of me that just cannot give up…even when I want to. And that is what I cannot explain. Sometimes it is nearly frustrating itself..I have too much word in me I guess…because just one little phone call, or email with a question and it just pours out…even while I am still asking myself if I believe it or not…it’s like it’s ingrained inside of me. I am guessing that this is what James 1:21 is talking about when he says to recieve the engrafted word of God. And the writer of Hebrews reminds us of the promise that God made to write His word in our hearts….it looks like He meant it.

Honestly, there are times I do not have the strength to read, or to try. Many days I just breathe…and make it through to the next one. But of late even in my state of not knowing, not feeling, not caring that i don’t feel or know…it has shocked me at all He placed inside of me. And it’s just as amazing when I hear it leaking out my own mouth…shocking is a better word because I know my own doubts…and fears…and insecurities. Yet He put His word inside of me and even when I feel like I am rejecting Him…He is still wooing…still working inside of my dead soul…giving me a little bit of a reason to breathe for one more day…

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The Trouble with Change is that It’s Different!

Lots of changes are up for me and Chris…for all of us. Chris is progressing nicely and I am learning how to push him a little more each day without wearing him out too much most days. You’ll have to check out the update blog for all the details on that. (

And then there are other changes too. My aid is quitting to take a better paying day job. I can’t blame her for that. We were just a trial run for her anyway so she could see if she liked nursing in any way. And I wasn’t too surprised at it anyway. But now I have to remember how long it took the home health agency to find an aid last time… so I am planning on no aid for a while.

Honestly the first thing I thought was, “When will I run?” But I’ve been working on getting a treadmill all week and if it all works out then I won’t miss a lick and will be a happy camper. I may even opt to not even have an aid after this. All I need is a couple of hours to run errands each week. With a treadmill I can actually go ahead and start training for a full marathon… now that’s exciting!

Here’s the big stuff though…I got a phone call from an agency that isn’t even technically supposed to be handling Chris’ case as he is ineligible. But the lady was so helpful and kinda gave me a nudge to get off my duff and get something done. So I called and will be changing doctors this next month and Chris has an appointment the first week of August with the new doctor.

The thing is – I will have to take him. No problem on one hand, because I understand there are two different transportation agencies who can transport us to the doctor. One is even covered on his program. So it’s all good…except…it’s a totally new adventure for me. And to be completely honest – it’s very scary to me. I have become comfortable here in the cave…and I broke down and cried after the doctor accepted him – pretty much out of pure fear…

And please don’t write me a ton of scriptures like “God’s not given us a spirit of fear….” I know  that…but the emotions were (are) still there – it’s scary getting out of the cave. We’ve been so secure – so safe…and it’s all changing and while I know it’s a good change – well, it’s just that change is different! lol!!

We have also been invited to participate in a program for handicapped citizens. But I haven’t been able to get over that hump and take Chris out yet. CART supposedly will come and get us…but my knees start shaking again! lol! And honestly – it’s totally new territory for me…I’ve never been here before. In my cave I can make the adjustments that are immediately necessary but to venture out is … scary!

So I am dealing with these really weird fears and joy all at the same time. I’m so happy with the progress Chris is making… it’s like I can see his progress almost every day now.. even in his sleeping patterns. He really sleeps now for the most part. And it’s a restful, peaceful sleep – not a brain injury sleep… I can’t explain it better than that….and then I am forced back into the unknown – Not sure what to do with him next. I always say that I play a lot of “guess and check”…Guess what needs to go next and check to see if it works…if not – guess and check again!

And in the middle of all of the turmoil I am very aware of God moving. I am not sure I have adequate words to describe it because some of it seems more like He and I are arguing ( I’ll let you guess and check on who starts it!)…but before I know it my mind is lost in the word and pretty soon I have such a clear understanding. And for the most part all I can say is that I’ve been so blinded by religion I really couldn’t see HIm before….we will never be able to see Him here – not while using our natural eyes to measure His dealings…the measure of faith will never be accurate when using what our eyes can see

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