Posts Tagged emotions

Suck it Up!

Once again I seem at a loss for words. I keep wanting to get my dreamer out…but I am afraid to since I really do not know what to expect. That’s one thing that is turning out to be an essential element in life…dreaming. It’s what is missing with Chris – he has no dreams, no aspirations right now. And since I have no idea when or where or even if everything thing will ever be normal again I really am limited in what I can dream.

Oh there are lots of things going on; good things too. I cannot and would not deny those things. I have had many opportunities especially lately. And I guess if I concentrate real hard I can come up with some dreams inside those boundaries. I have had the opportunity of teaching via skype in Pakistan and now teach in an English school where I have mostly Russian and Brazillian students. Who would have guessed those opportunities would ever occur? I also get to join in services with my friends in Indiana on Sundays – that’s a real blessing…gotta love skype!!

But somehow there can be this major disconnect. My new norms are not normal to everyone else. And even the things we get to do are not done like anyone else. I guess this hits home on days like yesterday. Everyone else jumped in their vehicles and ran to my sister’s house. I planned on going but watched the weather closely. There’s no way I can stand out in rain or cold with Chris and try to get him in the car safely. I did finally get a break in the rain and we headed out. For most rain is not really a difficulty…you just move a little faster going in or coming out of the house. It’s not like that with Chris he moves slowly all the time! And even though he is getting easier and easier to transport – it is such a challenge just to go somewhere.

It’s kind of like I have this choice. I know no one can come and rescue me or make anything better…so I have to decide am I gonna have a pity party and just sit here? or am I going to suck it up and make a difference? I just have to not think about it – just get up and follow Nike’s advice – just do it!

Getting ready to go somewhere is like holding your breath on a thrilling ride at an amusement park. I have to just suck it up and do all it takes. I cannot think about anything – just get it all together and get out the door. Once I do – it’s not usually as bad as I thought. Of course some of this is because I have gotten stronger over the last 18 months and also learned a new way to get Chris out of the car when he doesn’t budge! – that happens mostly when we get home and there is literally no one here to help. Chris is worn out from the trip and offers no assistance!

I guess I kind of figured this out in my finances too. I heard a quote once that said tears will get you sympathy but sweat will bring you success. When I heard that I was even more determined to roll up my sleeves and figure out how to work. God has certainly ordered my steps and right now I’m not doing too badly. My lights are on, food on the table and the rent is paid! Why complain? Once I sucked it up and got busy working and finding work to do online – it all opened up.

My emotions are still all over the place. I have to wonder if they will ever level out. At times I can pretty much turn them off and just perform the tasks I have at hand for the day; but other times they try to get the best of me and drag me down. I cannot bear seeing Chris like this — knowing who he was and all he used to do. It’s like I get bogged down and I’m at a stand still. Grieving the loss – but can’t let go. When I crash like that it sets me to scrambling to find the off button. I like having them off more than on… it’s less distracting to my work! lol!

Don’t take me wrong – Chris is progressing and for that I am ever so thankful. He is going very fast for how far out he is.. and he’s doing more every single day. And I just hold my breath from day to day…sorting through emotions and thoughts and wondering what the next day will bring…sometimes what the next moment will bring.

It has been amazing to watch how God has supplied our needs through the last 3 years. I would have never dreamed of all the opportunities He has opened up. And I must say that I am curious as to how it will continue to unfold. I have so many ideas of things I want to do so that I am not just working for the other guys. (not that I mind!)

I know I am pretty much rambling… welcome to my head! lol! All in a nut shell I guess I’m trying to say that there comes a time in a tragic situation where you just have to suck it up and make the best of whatever you’ve got. But that never means you’ve given up hope. EAch day I face adverse circumstances and all sorts of trying choices that must be made on behalf of someone who cannot tell me what they want or need…so since he is still breathing and there is still life in his being.. I just keep hoping. Do I battle with thoughts that he will never come back? Yep – constantly. Do I believe that there is a chance Chris can come out of this…absolutely! But it’s not faithless to deal with what you see today.

So I will keep sucking it up – and pressing into one more day to see what it brings for us. Maybe one day – it will be very different. And maybe it won’t. But I will always have hope. Faith, hope and love….these three remain.

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From Here…

I am not sure where I will even start here… my emotions are all over the place… you should recognize that by the silence of the pen. When i am totally overwhelmed I do not write – I know – backwards…but just the way I am. Since I don’t know quite where to start I’ll just jump in.

Yesterday I was totally surprised…like a real surprise – don’t think anyone ever got me this good. My friend Prophetess Mary from Indianapolis had requested a skype meeting at a certain time. Which was really odd…but I agreed. While we were “chatting” this group of people walked through my front door being led by my daddy carrying three pizzas. I was like “what the….?” To keep it short basically my friend Mary and my daughter Ronella had collaberated and came up with a big surprise “minister’s appreciation” party for me! It was quite amazing that they pulled it off using facebook and texting! lol!

I just kept thinking that I was so unworthy of such a party. All that was going through my mind was how I felt I had given up on ministry…I really want a new definition on that term…I think some of my trouble is of course from the abandonment I have felt…as far as how the journey has been too long for the “church” to help me carry the load…I’m better off for it though.. I’ve said before – Chris and I were the church’s test…and we fail miserably. And I fail miserably… I have wanted to give up on literally everything…everything…and all of the hopelessness and faith-lessness kept going through my mind.

Don’t get me wrong – I felt very appreciated and loved and it was an amazing experience that I will not soon forget! I very much appreciated it…I just couldn’t get past my own inadequacies…at that point. But when you get to the end of this post (if it goes like I think it will…) you’ll see what actually happened in teh spirit realm because of this spark they started yesterday….

So today I was still struggling with my “supposed to’s…” you know…

supposed to write

supposed to sing

supposed to write music

supposed to teach

But I keep getting hung up on where I am at. As my thoughts captured me and I fell into a pity party and got back around to all those questions about dreams… did He give them or did I make them up myself… type questions…I had this thought – why would He speak things into me and not plan on them happening? I shook it off though – it couldn’t have been God! After I thought about it a little bit I just got plain mad…then totally depressed. How could He expect me to fulfil the call He placed inside of me from here? Inside the furnace…inside the cave…inside this prison…?

So I took Chris for a walk through the park. He hated it.. toned out on me (I think the wind bothered him) I told him I was sorry but we both needed some sunlight. (I hadn’t been out since last Monday)…When we got back I let him lay down for a nap and I jumped on the treadmill for a quick training run…by the time I got off…I was okay. My conclusions?

I decided this is where I am (..deep huh?) I can either let it be my prison or figure out how to be free while bound. Unless God performs some big miracle (which honestly I doubt at this time…) this is it. I have lived the life I was going to live and now the rest of my days will probably be spent taking care of Chris and making sure that when I am gone he is okay enough to be cared for easily….that’s just the way it is. But that does not mean it has to be my prison…

I will figure out how to take him places. It is very difficult on my own – but as he is getting better (and is getting amazing at getting in and out of the car ) I have to get out… I’ll figure out how to not let the stares get to my emotions… and how to not let his deformities eat at me as people walk by and I wish he could walk or talk like them again… I’ll figure out how to get past the emotions of hearing music and longing for him to play one more song…I’ll figure it out! I don’t know how yet – but I will!

So I decided that since God put some stuff in me and wasn’t going to change His mind no matter how I pouted or fussed or refused…I better get busy. So I am trying to get to writing agian… probably a real weak attempt – but hey – it’s an attempt….

So I sat here tonight thinking about how this will not be my prison…and some of the things I can do to start getting Chris out…and try to do it without fear… which isn’t going to happen…but in the fear I am determined…to find a way to keep this prison from imprisoning me…and to know God outside the church’s weak walls. I do not want to read the word anymore and make it fit our organized religion…I’m hoping some parts will start to make more sense without my religious jargon….

So this morning while joining Prophetess Mary at her gathering in her home via Skype….and the Lord pulling at my heart and me trying to pull back as hard as I could…I kept thinking about how I don’t want to do music, or teach, or preach (or share if you do not believe in women preachers! lol — too late!)…And the birthing I went through all day long to come to a sense of peace in it all… from here….

Only to have my friend from Pakistan hook up with me via Facebook…(instigated by Mary I am sure now…and Holy Spirit of course) and I am teaching via SKype agian in Pakistan this weekend….did I mention I don’t feel like teaching? lol…

So here I am getting ready to retire for the night…bolus Chris.. tell him how much I love him and how good he’s doing one more time today…and determining to live from here…somehow…some way. I simply cannot find it inside myself to think that God would put a bunch of stuff in me to do and tease me by not making it possible…so there has to be a way…from here. Sure it doesn’t look like I thought it was going to…but hey – I’ve been surprised at least once before!

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Our Trip to the Fair

Yesterday I commented on how difficult it was to get Chris out and to the fair. Although he is handling the increased activity pretty good, it sure wears me out. This is partly due to the bum knee – that’s getting better. I plan on starting to go for walks in the next couple of days to get it back into the routine. Then maybe running in another couple of weeks. Anyway, whatever the case – it exhausts me to get him out even with help! lol! But it’s good for him and I am sure getting out is good for me too.

We really had a great time at the fair and Chris got to experience lots of different stimuli: smells, music, people, exhibits etc. When we got there we had to find parking and were under the assumption that handicapped parking was free. I had seen it two or three different places and so it was not unfounded! Anyway, I stopped to ask the lady and she told me it was 5 dollars to park no matter what and ushered me on around. So the next guy I stopped to see if I could ask about the parking and he simply pointed to the field and said, “parkin’s out there…” I said I have my son and a wheelchair. Then he shrugged it off and told me “good like finding a handicap spot.” Both of them were very impatient and acted like they just wanted us out of their hair.

We decided to park by the gate and unload the chair and then Chris. Then Pamm would stay there with him while I (the one with the busted knee cap) went to find a parking spot God knows where! So we just stopped right there and unloaded it all! Then there was a very nice man who was leaving and was parked real close to there – he offered us his spot and said he would wait until we got unloaded until he pulled out so we could have it!!! (Can you say “angel”?!)

The ladies at the gate were very friendly and understanding. They also gave us a paper with information about the fair activities and a map. On the map is said beside all the parking areas “free handicap parking.” So we worked our way through a couple of buildings to go over to the admin and see if we could get the 5 dollars back. First of all, I could not get Chris’ chair to the building as the ramp at the end of the sidewalk was blocked by their four-wheelers! I was pretty hot then!!

The buildings were all pretty easy to access as there are ramps, and buttons on some of the doors that hold them open so you can get the chair in. My friend was with me but if she hadn’t been it would have been very difficult because as a general rule, people just ignore you if you’re not like them. I caught a few looks that I interpreted to mean “why would you even come here like that?”  But at the same time there were some very helpful people too.

I worried about Chris getting dehydrated and so I gave him some of my coke. He drank it right up too! lol! That was really cool. We were pretty tired after only a couple of hours so headed back to the car. Then we had to figure out where to re-load Chris and the chair as there are no specified loading zones!

Overall it was a pleasant experience – just a very busy one. We were all so tired when we got back home. I was pretty worthless for the night. I cannot expect anyone to care about all that goes into what seems like a simple field trip like that. Most really do not understand and I suppose that’s okay. But when people are staring down their nose at my son and looking at me with disgust like he bothers their “fun time” with a reality I must live with every single day…it just makes the pain go deeper. And it makes me want to stay in the cave where it’s safe.

Maybe next year I will be more prepared for the fight… right now there’s so much going on with home health and just living from one day to the next it gets so tiresome to fight. And it seems sad to me at least that I have to fight for a sense of normalcy  that most can just accept as part of their day….trust me – the pain is deep and I do not need strangers’ blank stares and curled up noses to know how not-normal our lives are…The last thing I want to do is have to fight to enjoy a day out! I really do not want to get hard, or bitter or pushy…but I refuse to take this laying down! So move over world – you might as well get used to us messing up your perfect day!

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Life Now…

Life is certainly no less interesting just because I live in a cave! I am realizing more and more how each decision can have such an influence on the rest of my day – and even the rest of my life. Any more it’s a moment by moment decision it seems. One thing I am thankful for is my work…it keeps me busy and it is at least something constructive!! And when it is overwhelming I do stop to return to thanksgiving for having all the work!

I guess what drags me down (or at least tries to) is that no matter how much “better” it gets…my son is still sitting here totally incapacitated. I am so very thankful for his progress to date…don’t get me wrong. But there are some aspects of the situation that do not go away even on a very good day. LIke this morning when I was mashing up a half a banana to go with his yogurt. My emotions are very divided. On one hand I can rejoice in the progress he’s made and the increased grocery bill!! lol! But then the gravity is that I am smashing up a banana for my 27-year-old son who should be asking for steak and potatoes, or offering to go grab us a burger! I feed him breakfast (which he ate really fast today  – yeah for progress!) and then head to the computer to get lost in my work while he rests up until I figure out what kind of therapy we will be doing today.

It seems that it wears away at my faith…even as he gets a little better every day it sure feels like my strength and stamina get a little weaker. I’m constantly torn in holding on to His promise and having to accept the reality of the day. This is our life now.

I can’t ignore it to embrace the promise…I must do the best I can for my son every single day. And I feel a little guilty now taking advantage of his sleepy days! I let him rest more on those days because our body heals while we sleep. Then I try to catch up work, read, or nap for myself. And it always feels like I should be doing more for him…no matter what kind of day he’s having.

It’s just this vicious cycle that I call life now. It’s really nothing like I imagined I would be doing after 50 – and certainly didn’t expect this for my son. It’s funny how you raise them up and protect them and train them to handle situations and then it is all thrown away with just one miscalculation…on someone elses part…

But then the other side is that I know the Lord in a different way than ever before. When I get through writing here I’m going to do a blog to the prophetic community. Its context will be on the different ways He has revealed Himself throughout my life…and I am living in a totally different zone right now. It’s sometimes a scary zone too! lol! I fully trust Him but not in a presumptuous kind of way. I used to think my “trust” was just believing in His protection for my physical body. My trust factor stayed high as long as life went along as I thought it should…but now I understand that I cannot presume what His decisions will be concerning me, my life, or my children whom I love so much…I trust Him no matter what His decisions are.

And faith looks totally different from here as well. It’s not anything about getting…but it’s all about living. Just being in Him and waiting for HIm to reveal Himself to you in the midst of the daily walk…not the walk to Him, but the walk with HIm. It’s all about just walking out what we discover while we are hidden in Him…I’m just sorry it’s taken such a tragedy to shake me off my religious view of God and let me see Him as Creator-creation.

It’s really okay now – that my life does not look like everyone elses…as I could never see Him clearly while I kept looking through religious shaped lenses…God – out of the box!! I think I like that…

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WhaT A CrAzy WEek it wAs!

Last week was really all that crazy! And boy were my emotions all over the place! I think I am still trying to pick them all up; although I think the smoke has begun to clear. I really took it hard when the hail storm took out most of my itsy weeny garden. I didn’t know it was going to hit me so hard until I started cleaning up.

I was pulling up some of the plants that had just started to bloom before the hail storm hit. I’d been so excited about their blooms! And now they were beat down to pretty much nothing and it hurt a lot more than I thought. I mean, here I’ve been nurturing them, talking to them, watering them and now they are a piece of mangled green mess…gone.

Iopted not not run the morning after the storm as I thought it was better get out and try to get the yard cleaned. I was soon interrupted by this surprising surge of emotions though. I realized that my garden represented how I felt in many ways. Here Chris and  were in the height of our lives and we had it snatched away.

You know, for both my kids I’d been so careful to nurture the things I had seen God put in them. And they were both doing so well.. Ronella still is – I don’t mention enough how proud I am of her and I really feel she gets the short end of the stick a lot of times because she so easily ends up in the shadow of the tragedy with Chris… but I am very proud of my daughter and the Christian woman she’s become!

Anyway – as I was pulling up the poor blooming plants my emotions just welled up and exploded inside of me. Here I was on the brink of realizing my dreams of traveling to Africa and Chris was one semester away from graduating – and he was loving the classroom…and BAM! it’s all gone just like that brief but violent hail storm…all gone.

So I did what I always did.. I ditched the yard and headed out for a run! I didn’t realize how bad this side of town got hit by the wind and hail. It was like my life – an obstacle course – with nothing coming easily!

It really took me a couple of days to get myself together. But on Friday’s run I made a decision. I knew I brought Chris home on purpose. I also knew that I was giving my life away to care for him. I decided that the struggle was because I was always trying to pick my life and dreams back up…so my decision was to let them go for good! It eases the struggle…and I felt better.

I think we are this way when we are trying to live out Galatians 2:20 – we say we ae crusified with Christ and we have only a life hidden in Him…all the while we are still trying to piece it all together and make something happen on our own. Hence, we become troubled, unhappy… etc… it’s not that easy to die on purpose. But when we do the struggle ends. So here in my struggle of taking care of Chris.. I learned how to die in Christ! And that’s how I want to live my life from here on out… totally dead! lol!

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Beauty from Ashes

Well, almost anyway. It’s been a long day. It was a quiet day and I think that may have made it longer. I really don’t like listening to my own voice so much! I’m sure Chris doesn’t either! His first words will probably be “Will you please shut-up?” lol! He doesn’t seem to be too annoyed at me too much. And he’s getting pretty good at being able to show it…like this morning.

It was one of those times I let it get to me; well, we have a schedule to keep you know! But Chris decided he didn’t want to get up… and he literally pulled his arms in so I could not get his shirt on him! I got too frustrated because our schedule is really working so well and we were running just a little behind. I was flustered, especially when his stomach started growling! (Which is a really good sign of improvement!) So I finally tossed the controller on the bed and told him to call me when he was ready to get up! I came in the living room for a few minutes until I could quiet myself down. Then I felt bad for being upset…and glad because he made a choice! – but it was the wrong one! lol! We worked it out and he got up fine in a few minutes, guess he figured it was Sunday!

And there were other improvements along the way today as well… but you can check them out at the new blog I made for him. I am putting updates so many places I finally just started one blog and that’s where all the updates will be from now on! It is simple to find and read. Check it out at www.updatesonchrishampton.blogspot.com

I am working to make my life more productive and simpler at the same time. so far it’s working, at least I think it is! I worry that I am becoming more of a workaholic to give me something to do. But I don’t think I am. I have lots of work, but I am so breaking it up to give Chris the things he needs in a day too. We have a really good routine now – and I finally am nailing good bed time habits. It’s funny how much more you can do when you get organized, isn’t it?

It seems like there’s so much going on even though I am home all the time… I feel so stretched out inside.. you know? I have to work and care for Chris and remember to take care of me in there too.. somehow. Well, I shower, and I eat! Oh yeah – and I run! That oughta do it! I’m busy and have a full schedule but I can still feel so empty sometimes. I think doing the devotional for care givers has helped me a lot. I know I did it to help others but I have to get myself in line before I can write it! And that actually helps me get things in perspective each morning.

Speaking of caregivers…I was really sad this morning when I was in a support group for caregivers and found that all the things I deal with (extreme emotions, loneliness) is all too common…I was glad that we could understand each other…but sad that it happens every where. People can walk with you for a while, but when it goes on for years they bail. I tried to explain that it wasn’t because they don’t care but because they don’t know what to do with us…and over and over the church is mentioned…they really don’t know what to do with people who do not have the ability to come to their church. I’m still trying to remember why I spent all those years going…

One good thing that God is bringing out of the terrible situation is that I am getting to know Him without the filters of the church. We tend to see HIm through church shaped glasses…but He doesn’t really fit in them…And for that I am thankful. I wrote this in my journal this morning:

I still have this intense desire to be with God – to know Him – to know His ways

but now it’s coming out differently.

It’s not a pray-until-you-see-it  or sing-until -He-comes kind of thing

it’s a day by day unfolding of His heart in my daily walk

when I don’t walk with Him – I dont’ see HIm

But when I position myself to see Him

He reveals Himself to me more and more

unfolding slowly…

until my actions are determined by His 

It sounds crazy that I would know Him more in a dungeon experience…in a sort of prison I would encounter His sweet presence.. but then if I have the facts straight His specialty is making beauty from ashes! 

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The Fight of Faith

It’s gotten a little crazy around here lately.Mostly beause Chris is up for more of the time. That’s a really good thing though! He seems to be tolerating being up most of the day now and stays up later at night. My struggle is getting all my work done in between our littl sporadic therapy sessions.  I try to take advantage of whatever he’s giving me to work with each day.

Sometimes anymore (may not really be all that unusual…now that I think about it…)my emotions seem all over the place. I do get very excited about whatever progress Chris is making. And really, in one way I was telling the aid this morning (here name is Jeanne too ) that it seems like Chris has been improving a little faster in the last couple of weeks. Now I know at this stage of the game he’s not supposed to. Good thing we don’t live by that huh?

Pretty much all the stuff I’ve read states that they may continue to improve but the progress gets slower and slower…but Chris is starting to eat more, move more and be very vocal about things he does not like! He can actually lean himself forward in his chair to make a transfer! That’s some key muscle control coming back. (sometimes the trial there is me being patient because it does take awhile for him to accomplish this feat!)

So I am always in this constant state of back-and-forth…I’m glad he’s progressing but sad for where he is overall…I rejoice at each accomplishment but wrestle with thoughts concerning trying to “adjust” to life this way…but I can’t settle into that because I know God promised…but the waiting is eating away.. and the further out the more difficult recovery becomes… sheesh! See what I mean- this feeling of needing to adjust to this being how it is, yet never really able to accept it…the fight of faith…I suppose!

This whole struggle is causing (or helping – depending on perspective) me find a whole new me…I am changing..I long for intimacy with HIm more than anything else – even more than just getting Chris healed – I just really want to know His ways. And that can be really confusing.

Oh we think we have it all figured out, us religious folks. I was reading in Jeremiah this morning and God was telling them that He was sending calamity (Jeremiah 32) their way because they did not obey Him. So my thoughts went nuts with that- did I do something wrong to cause this calamity? Did Chris screw something up?  I was all lost in the moment when I remembered Job – he was “perfect and upright” and calamity struck him. Maybe I lay somewhere in between these two extremes! lol! So there’s no answer…yet. And faith is still a fight…to be won of course!

So I am back at square one – just wanting to understand God… which seems impossible. At least until I found this other verse today. It’s in Jeremiah 9:23-24:

Thus says the Lord,

Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom,

and let not the mighty man boast of his might

let mot a rich man oast of his riches;

but let him who boasts boast in this,

that he ndersantd and knows Me

So it is possible to know God and be fully acquainted with His ways. Boy do I have a long way to go…bu determination will cary one a long ways! Hopefully all the way to His throne!

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Half My Weekend Down!

It’s funny how I dread the weekends sometimes. I have to plan ahead to beat the emotional dips that usually occur. So far I have kept my head above water this weekend. I’m not sure why the loneliness can grab ahold so much easier on the weekend. Then I get easily sucked in under the other emotional currents and it’s a tough swim to try to get out! I think it may be since I rarely see anyone on the weekends. Occasionally it’s different but for two whole days I don’t see anyone and talk to very few people…

I have actually really missed church the last couple of days… not the religious side, but church as the whole get together I guess. Maybe some of it is just the interaction with others, or the corporate worship experience…I don’t know. But I do know that there are some things I am learning about God that are better than church. I’m beginning to see HIm in a very different way – I love Him more – and I wouldn’t trade that for church any ole day!

Chris is having his “awake” cycle. He is doing really good and I am pushing him more. I hope he stays in this part of the cycle for longer periods of time…his alertness and progress makes the sleepier days more difficult to handle…But for now his progress helps me keep going on…

I have conquered half of the weekend and so far still above float. I took a more proactive approach. I have lists of things I can do so if there is a lag I can check the list and hopefully try to motivate myself to get something done. Never mind the dangers of becoming a workaholic! lol! And I have turned Skype back on. I got to Skype with a good friend today from Louisiana. I’m actually thinking of scheduling a trip down this fall to catch up with friends and catch a couple of my old hiking trails that I used to enjoy so much…

Speaking of getting out – I know I have got to figure out a way to get out at least a little more. The two hours on M-F are great and so very beneficial. But I need some “i gotta get outa here for a while” time… I figured that out when I was planning on going to my brother’s on Monday. My niece is having her 9th birthday party! I figured I would see if Chris’ dad could sit with him for a few hours so I could go. I knew that I could take Chris with me if Ronnie couldn’t sit with him. So it wasn’t whether or not I was going – it was if we were going or I was going. When Ronnie texted me back to say he could sit with Chris I nearly cried! That’s when I realized I’m going to have to figure out a way to get out a little more for things like a movie or a good day hike… it’s the logistics that are the trouble… coupled with the fact that I almost won’t ask for help!!

I am studying Job again for a project I’m working on. I started looking at it again today and I was reading through the first part of the first chapter. I thought about how awesome it would be for God to call us “upright and blameless” in all our ways…then I remembered that Job wrote the book! lol! I thought about his over inflated ego for a minute. But then I thought about the confidence that he had in God that he could recognize and say that he was blameless before HIm! I want to get to that place. I ‘m a hard cookie it seems but I am just learning to let my situation break me until I fall to pieces in Him…there’s just something about knowing HIm and who we are in Him (including blameless)…that’s worth it all… somehow…

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Happy Mother’s Day

I pray that each mother out there has a wonderful day with their children and grands today! We have our own festivities planned and I am attempting to take Chris to my mom’s house this afternoon. It looks like all of us siblings will be there together.

I think if I am brutally honest with myself I am having a pity party…a well deserved one I might add! lol! I am just overcome with all it takes to just take Chris out for a few hours. Honestly, I always dread all the work but once we go I will be fine and I’ll be glad we did! It is really good for him to get out I know. It’s really good to take him to family functions too…

The trouble is that I hurt my back messing around with his chair yesterday. I am taking maximum otc pain relievers right now and sitting on a heating pad to try to get some relief. I am sure it will be fine in a couple of days but it sure is frustrating. I am glad he can help so much with the transfers now…and I do have a plan of action that should work and make it easier on me for today…

I guess it’s just difficult for me to enjoy Mother’s Day when I see my son like this…I literally have to choose not to think about it and rather choose more positive things to think about while the obvious yells at me from across the room. I will choose rather to enjoy my daughter (who is a wonderful mother herself) and my grandson and son-in-law. They have been so much help to me over the last couple of years. I know they get tired…I try not to ever ask them for anything extra since they do so much to help…I will enjoy them and the rest of my family today.

I will also enjoy the fact that this year is the first Mother’s Day since Chris’ accident that he’s not in a nursing home! He’s here with me and still slowly progressing. I will choose to find the things I can be thankful for rather than the things that seem to dig at my emotions.

Paul told the Philippians something like that in Philippians 4:8. He told them to think on these things… then gave them a list of things to train their mind to stay on. That is my point of faith for today. As I go through the day when the depressing, oppressing or destructive thoughts come I will turn them to what is good, pure, honest and just… I will turn them to what I have seen God do over the last 2.5 years rather than what I wish He would do!

We’ll make it through this one! He still reigns!

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Too Many Thoughts to Handle

Yeah, I have so many thing going through my mind these days. I don’t dare take the time to listen to them…lol! I pretty much have a full range of emotions going on too…not really sure how to handle it all. So for today I’m planning on working! That will keep my mind busy but my heart is still full…

This morning I was thinking about some things I want to talk to the home health people about during their visit this week. I knew there would be a mix up when I moved…but Chris didn’t get his Jevity this month. Since he’s eating one or two meals a day by mouth most days I had enough stock piled to cover it.. but that’s not the point. I was thinking of the questions I wanted to ask. But you know – so far everyone who comes pretty much sits here and tells me all the things they are going to do…and then they leave and it is undone. I just got mad thinking about how Chris falls through the cracks all the time  because we don’t have insurance…and because others don’t believe he can or will get better… well, I still believe…I’m not sure why, or how – but I still believe.

My mind fights me a lot but my heart just can’t give up. I know the further we get into it the less likely he’ll ever be who he was  but I am determined to love whoever emerges. I miss the Chris I knew immensely….all the time. I know he would have loved to play with Eli and I grieve that Eli will not know the Uncle Chris we all know and love…

Yet I know he’s in there – I see his responses to the things stored in there — particularly to music stuff…and it makes me hopeful…I decided to start really pushing the drum thing as he finally has all of his sticks here plus he started playing at such a young age that I know the rudiments are all filed away. He seems to respond to that pretty well…I just don’t know…would God put all that in him and then just let it waste? I guess in one way it’s not wasted anyway as Chris certainly put it to full use while he was able!

It may just be that I am finally to my breaking point…that’s not a faith-less statement for you religious folks who are reading this! It’s actually full of more faith than I’ve ever known. You see I read this statement this week after the storms hit with such a destructive force..someone said that God had just given them peace and strength to sleep right through the storm. Now to the religious mind that’s an awesome statement. But the first thing I thought of was What is it that God gave those who ran for shelter? Did He not give them His peace? We have become such an arrogant generation of “Christians.” Thinking that God gives us our little whim’s and desires…protects us from everything that hurts…etc…but He protects our spirit man… the eternal part of us – the important part! He’s not here to just serve up every little thing we want and keep us from all bodily harm…He left watching over this temple up to us. We must protect and care for the body He provided…He doesn’t do re-issues!

With that being said, I want to add that He does heal. Period. I have absolutely no doubt at all in my mind that He heals. Why He heals some and not others remains a mystery and on down days can cause quite a lot of confusion and anger. But He does still heal. And I am convinced that no matter what we will not go home until He says. Our live, our times, our heart and soul are in His hands…not our own hands. I know many may not understand where I’m coming from – but I know that God protected that inside person – the real Chris just as He takes care of our spirit man…we really cannot die unless He gives the okay for us to cross that line out of time…

To me – these thoughts offer a new level of comfort for me as I no longer can or will judge by what I see here as to whether He is my protector or not. There are lots of people who have had lots of wrecks, why some live and some die – we just may never know. I know after my wreck with the bus I would read of accidents and people who died of head injuries…and I wondered why I lived that day…who knows? As others with far less injuries died…But I know that He does not view death with the finality as we do. Psalms 116 says that the death of His saints is precious in His sight. How could death be “precious”? Because we have shed the boundaries of time and are free to live in eternity’s morning…

I have found comfort realizing that there is literally nothing – nothing – nothing  that can touch our spirit – the real us…no matter what happens to our body. Chris is still in there…whether or not we ever see him like he was or not…and no head injury can change who he was…God will see to that!

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