Posts Tagged determination
I am not sure where I will even start here… my emotions are all over the place… you should recognize that by the silence of the pen. When i am totally overwhelmed I do not write – I know – backwards…but just the way I am. Since I don’t know quite where to start I’ll just jump in.
Yesterday I was totally surprised…like a real surprise – don’t think anyone ever got me this good. My friend Prophetess Mary from Indianapolis had requested a skype meeting at a certain time. Which was really odd…but I agreed. While we were “chatting” this group of people walked through my front door being led by my daddy carrying three pizzas. I was like “what the….?” To keep it short basically my friend Mary and my daughter Ronella had collaberated and came up with a big surprise “minister’s appreciation” party for me! It was quite amazing that they pulled it off using facebook and texting! lol!
I just kept thinking that I was so unworthy of such a party. All that was going through my mind was how I felt I had given up on ministry…I really want a new definition on that term…I think some of my trouble is of course from the abandonment I have felt…as far as how the journey has been too long for the “church” to help me carry the load…I’m better off for it though.. I’ve said before – Chris and I were the church’s test…and we fail miserably. And I fail miserably… I have wanted to give up on literally everything…everything…and all of the hopelessness and faith-lessness kept going through my mind.
Don’t get me wrong – I felt very appreciated and loved and it was an amazing experience that I will not soon forget! I very much appreciated it…I just couldn’t get past my own inadequacies…at that point. But when you get to the end of this post (if it goes like I think it will…) you’ll see what actually happened in teh spirit realm because of this spark they started yesterday….
So today I was still struggling with my “supposed to’s…” you know…
supposed to write
supposed to sing
supposed to write music
supposed to teach
But I keep getting hung up on where I am at. As my thoughts captured me and I fell into a pity party and got back around to all those questions about dreams… did He give them or did I make them up myself… type questions…I had this thought – why would He speak things into me and not plan on them happening? I shook it off though – it couldn’t have been God! After I thought about it a little bit I just got plain mad…then totally depressed. How could He expect me to fulfil the call He placed inside of me from here? Inside the furnace…inside the cave…inside this prison…?
So I took Chris for a walk through the park. He hated it.. toned out on me (I think the wind bothered him) I told him I was sorry but we both needed some sunlight. (I hadn’t been out since last Monday)…When we got back I let him lay down for a nap and I jumped on the treadmill for a quick training run…by the time I got off…I was okay. My conclusions?
I decided this is where I am (..deep huh?) I can either let it be my prison or figure out how to be free while bound. Unless God performs some big miracle (which honestly I doubt at this time…) this is it. I have lived the life I was going to live and now the rest of my days will probably be spent taking care of Chris and making sure that when I am gone he is okay enough to be cared for easily….that’s just the way it is. But that does not mean it has to be my prison…
I will figure out how to take him places. It is very difficult on my own – but as he is getting better (and is getting amazing at getting in and out of the car ) I have to get out… I’ll figure out how to not let the stares get to my emotions… and how to not let his deformities eat at me as people walk by and I wish he could walk or talk like them again… I’ll figure out how to get past the emotions of hearing music and longing for him to play one more song…I’ll figure it out! I don’t know how yet – but I will!
So I decided that since God put some stuff in me and wasn’t going to change His mind no matter how I pouted or fussed or refused…I better get busy. So I am trying to get to writing agian… probably a real weak attempt – but hey – it’s an attempt….
So I sat here tonight thinking about how this will not be my prison…and some of the things I can do to start getting Chris out…and try to do it without fear… which isn’t going to happen…but in the fear I am determined…to find a way to keep this prison from imprisoning me…and to know God outside the church’s weak walls. I do not want to read the word anymore and make it fit our organized religion…I’m hoping some parts will start to make more sense without my religious jargon….
So this morning while joining Prophetess Mary at her gathering in her home via Skype….and the Lord pulling at my heart and me trying to pull back as hard as I could…I kept thinking about how I don’t want to do music, or teach, or preach (or share if you do not believe in women preachers! lol — too late!)…And the birthing I went through all day long to come to a sense of peace in it all… from here….
Only to have my friend from Pakistan hook up with me via Facebook…(instigated by Mary I am sure now…and Holy Spirit of course) and I am teaching via SKype agian in Pakistan this weekend….did I mention I don’t feel like teaching? lol…
So here I am getting ready to retire for the night…bolus Chris.. tell him how much I love him and how good he’s doing one more time today…and determining to live from here…somehow…some way. I simply cannot find it inside myself to think that God would put a bunch of stuff in me to do and tease me by not making it possible…so there has to be a way…from here. Sure it doesn’t look like I thought it was going to…but hey – I’ve been surprised at least once before!
It’s gotten a little crazy around here lately.Mostly beause Chris is up for more of the time. That’s a really good thing though! He seems to be tolerating being up most of the day now and stays up later at night. My struggle is getting all my work done in between our littl sporadic therapy sessions. I try to take advantage of whatever he’s giving me to work with each day.
Sometimes anymore (may not really be all that unusual…now that I think about it…)my emotions seem all over the place. I do get very excited about whatever progress Chris is making. And really, in one way I was telling the aid this morning (here name is Jeanne too ) that it seems like Chris has been improving a little faster in the last couple of weeks. Now I know at this stage of the game he’s not supposed to. Good thing we don’t live by that huh?
Pretty much all the stuff I’ve read states that they may continue to improve but the progress gets slower and slower…but Chris is starting to eat more, move more and be very vocal about things he does not like! He can actually lean himself forward in his chair to make a transfer! That’s some key muscle control coming back. (sometimes the trial there is me being patient because it does take awhile for him to accomplish this feat!)
So I am always in this constant state of back-and-forth…I’m glad he’s progressing but sad for where he is overall…I rejoice at each accomplishment but wrestle with thoughts concerning trying to “adjust” to life this way…but I can’t settle into that because I know God promised…but the waiting is eating away.. and the further out the more difficult recovery becomes… sheesh! See what I mean- this feeling of needing to adjust to this being how it is, yet never really able to accept it…the fight of faith…I suppose!
This whole struggle is causing (or helping – depending on perspective) me find a whole new me…I am changing..I long for intimacy with HIm more than anything else – even more than just getting Chris healed – I just really want to know His ways. And that can be really confusing.
Oh we think we have it all figured out, us religious folks. I was reading in Jeremiah this morning and God was telling them that He was sending calamity (Jeremiah 32) their way because they did not obey Him. So my thoughts went nuts with that- did I do something wrong to cause this calamity? Did Chris screw something up? I was all lost in the moment when I remembered Job – he was “perfect and upright” and calamity struck him. Maybe I lay somewhere in between these two extremes! lol! So there’s no answer…yet. And faith is still a fight…to be won of course!
So I am back at square one – just wanting to understand God… which seems impossible. At least until I found this other verse today. It’s in Jeremiah 9:23-24:
Thus says the Lord,
Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom,
and let not the mighty man boast of his might
let mot a rich man oast of his riches;
but let him who boasts boast in this,
that he ndersantd and knows Me…
So it is possible to know God and be fully acquainted with His ways. Boy do I have a long way to go…bu determination will cary one a long ways! Hopefully all the way to His throne!
This is getting tougher here. I thought it would get easier as Chris continues to be awake and alert. He is so responsive and pretty well awake all day everyday now. That’s the good news. However, I am having to do some major adjusting and second guessing to know what he’s going to do next. He gets his timing off and I have to be a step ahead of what he’s planning…this is not a complaint mind you — just stressful!
He will stand and turn too soon. That’s good because he’s thinking ahead and bad because I have to be ready for him to turn and sit whether or not I was ready for him to or not. Things like that keep me jumping! Then he won’t do anything the help the next transfer!! It’s a huge scary guessing game right now!
Today I took him out to his sister’s house and he was so relaxed I was barely able to get him out of the car. I am so sore! I wrestled with the chair (which I am getting better at!) and then with him. When I got him back home he did the same thing he is trying to stand but absolutely no tone makes it nearly impossible. Thankfully I have paid attention at all the places he’s been and remembered a technique I saw for transferring way back at Touro in New Orleans. I used it to get him out of the car and into his chair. But then at the bedside he didn’t stand up all the way before he turned to get on the bed!! I’m exhausted! lol!
His improvements are amazing but emotion for me. Yesterday when he made the chord on the guitar I couldn’t contain the tears…I was so excited that it’s all still in there we are just in the phase where we gotta figure out how to get it all out again! And him being more responsive makes it harder emotionally (not a complaint!!!) because I miss him more. He will just look at me like he’s really there and wants to talk so badly…and my heart softens and breaks…
So it’s good – and it’s difficult. I never thought about progress having its own set of challenges! But boy does it…I have to try to figure out new ways to offer stimulus and how to work with him effectively. It’s like every day has its own set of guidelines now and I have to try to figure out what they are for the day and act accordingly making the most of whatever we have to work with for the time being!! No wonder I’m tired…
I am ready to go to bed and start tomorrow and see what we have to work with then… but there’s still too much to do today!
I’m learning that it’s the challenges that brings endurance. Without challenging our muscles they do not develop. STamina comes from going as far as you think you can go and then going just a little further…I never thought we would make it to here…But God is faithful. He has promised to restore and right now sometimes…I can see it in Chris’ eyes…that’s when mine fill with tears.
Here’s a picture of my “all there” Chris…