Posts Tagged death

And the Fog remains…

Okay – you should have figured out by now that when I do not post for a long time it is because the fog got too thick for me to see and I went into shut-down mode. And that is where I have been for some time now. I think it’s been about a week but it feels more like a month. I think the downward spiral started with some bad news.

I saw a notice on facebook about a friend’s friend whose son was injured in an accident. So I immediately starting praying for the family and following there updates. Much of it was so similar to our first few days in ICU…praying for a miracle and believing in spite of what we saw. I grieved with them and from the nature of the injuries I knew it would be a long road for them too. But I kept my comment positive and tried to offer comfort. The church they attend had a big prayer rally to pray for a miracle for the young man (who was about Chris’ age) and I realized I did want them to get their miracle…but I would really be mad if they did. Mad and glad!

I prayed for his recovery and hurt with his parents so much I could barely speak myself. I really understood much of what they were going through. It did not sound good and he seemed to actually have more extensive injuries than Chris had recieved…but then the young man passed away. I cried quite a bit for people I did not even know and will probably never meet.

But the parents made a statement that I could not get over. I in no way felt bad toward them as I know they were dealing with their great grief the best way that they could… and they were trying to shake off the shock. But they said, it’s better that he go on rather than living with a disability. While I did understand what they meant it sent shock waves through my heart. I went in to Chris and scooped him up from his bed and held him and cried….if he’s gone – there’s no hope….and I am not ready to give up on that yet….

I sure won’t tell you it’s been easy – and it’s not even been any easier since that moment either. And here in this heart wrenching, gut wrenching fight for my son… I’ve found myself stripped down to the basic me.(quoted from a friend in a support group)…and that’s really true. It’s like I have gone full circle in my life and all I’ve found is myself. But for me, it’s like I have found the me that everyone has tried to change all my life.

People wanted me to be more feminine, less active, have a quieter nature….don’t talk so much – don’t ask questions… and it went on until now –  I really don’t care!!!

Yeah, you heard me right – I do not care anymore. I’m back to me – back to that basic – what you see is what you get lifestyle! I think it’s good… but really it doesn’t matter to me anymore if it is good or not – it’s just me! So what!!! I am learning (and it only took me 50 years) that I don’t gotta be nobody for anybody…it’s just the simply complicated me!

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Too Many Thoughts to Handle

Yeah, I have so many thing going through my mind these days. I don’t dare take the time to listen to them…lol! I pretty much have a full range of emotions going on too…not really sure how to handle it all. So for today I’m planning on working! That will keep my mind busy but my heart is still full…

This morning I was thinking about some things I want to talk to the home health people about during their visit this week. I knew there would be a mix up when I moved…but Chris didn’t get his Jevity this month. Since he’s eating one or two meals a day by mouth most days I had enough stock piled to cover it.. but that’s not the point. I was thinking of the questions I wanted to ask. But you know – so far everyone who comes pretty much sits here and tells me all the things they are going to do…and then they leave and it is undone. I just got mad thinking about how Chris falls through the cracks all the time  because we don’t have insurance…and because others don’t believe he can or will get better… well, I still believe…I’m not sure why, or how – but I still believe.

My mind fights me a lot but my heart just can’t give up. I know the further we get into it the less likely he’ll ever be who he was  but I am determined to love whoever emerges. I miss the Chris I knew immensely….all the time. I know he would have loved to play with Eli and I grieve that Eli will not know the Uncle Chris we all know and love…

Yet I know he’s in there – I see his responses to the things stored in there — particularly to music stuff…and it makes me hopeful…I decided to start really pushing the drum thing as he finally has all of his sticks here plus he started playing at such a young age that I know the rudiments are all filed away. He seems to respond to that pretty well…I just don’t know…would God put all that in him and then just let it waste? I guess in one way it’s not wasted anyway as Chris certainly put it to full use while he was able!

It may just be that I am finally to my breaking point…that’s not a faith-less statement for you religious folks who are reading this! It’s actually full of more faith than I’ve ever known. You see I read this statement this week after the storms hit with such a destructive force..someone said that God had just given them peace and strength to sleep right through the storm. Now to the religious mind that’s an awesome statement. But the first thing I thought of was What is it that God gave those who ran for shelter? Did He not give them His peace? We have become such an arrogant generation of “Christians.” Thinking that God gives us our little whim’s and desires…protects us from everything that hurts…etc…but He protects our spirit man… the eternal part of us – the important part! He’s not here to just serve up every little thing we want and keep us from all bodily harm…He left watching over this temple up to us. We must protect and care for the body He provided…He doesn’t do re-issues!

With that being said, I want to add that He does heal. Period. I have absolutely no doubt at all in my mind that He heals. Why He heals some and not others remains a mystery and on down days can cause quite a lot of confusion and anger. But He does still heal. And I am convinced that no matter what we will not go home until He says. Our live, our times, our heart and soul are in His hands…not our own hands. I know many may not understand where I’m coming from – but I know that God protected that inside person – the real Chris just as He takes care of our spirit man…we really cannot die unless He gives the okay for us to cross that line out of time…

To me – these thoughts offer a new level of comfort for me as I no longer can or will judge by what I see here as to whether He is my protector or not. There are lots of people who have had lots of wrecks, why some live and some die – we just may never know. I know after my wreck with the bus I would read of accidents and people who died of head injuries…and I wondered why I lived that day…who knows? As others with far less injuries died…But I know that He does not view death with the finality as we do. Psalms 116 says that the death of His saints is precious in His sight. How could death be “precious”? Because we have shed the boundaries of time and are free to live in eternity’s morning…

I have found comfort realizing that there is literally nothing – nothing – nothing  that can touch our spirit – the real us…no matter what happens to our body. Chris is still in there…whether or not we ever see him like he was or not…and no head injury can change who he was…God will see to that!

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