Posts Tagged crying

This is the world He gave us…

Can’t really say what’s up with today, it really wasn’t too bad. I’ve just really battled today with depression. I didn’t want to work, write, play …just wanted to work in the garden, but it was too hot! Nothing bad happened, and Chris did real good. He was a little sleepy, but that’s no big deal…he still did good even though he slept a little more through the morning. He ate well and that and increasing his mobility are my two goals so I’m pretty happy with that..for today.

I just had one of those days where I just miss being “normal” and getting to do “normal” things… not that there was anything in particular that I wanted to do…maybe it’s a little bit of cabin fever…even though I get those two hours in the morning(for which I am really, really thankful for!) I have used them only for running and fitness for some time now. But Friday I’ll have to go get some groceries so it’ll be a day off from running at least!

I think one thing that affected me today was some discussions I participated in on the support group I’m a member of…there are some really hurting people out there. Their stories are so similar to mine, and yet so different…but there’s lots of pain that really –no one can do anything at all about…I prayed for people I don’t even know today…I cried for them because of their situations and their great pain…and then – I cried for my own. You know it never stops, it’s just sometimes quiet enough to ignore…but it’s always still there and it only takes one memory, one thought, one picture of Chris playing the drums, or standing…to wake it up again. Today just happened to be one of those days that I couldn’t push it back down into quiet mode…

And yet, you know right here in the midst of the mess, there’s something happening. I am feeling further away from people yet closer to God. I am learning things from scripture that I just never saw before….The only way I can say what I feel is to say, I appreciate Him…can’t take anything for granted. He placed us each in time where He knew we would fit – this is the spot on the time line that He wanted us to be and that’s why He put us right here, right now. This is the world He gave us…and He did it for a reason – don’t know what that is, but I do know that carries a huge responsibility for us. We were put right here, right now and He has equipped us for time…this time…it’s up to us how we spend it…and I really want to spend time with Him…until we can lose time and only see eternity…

here’s to better days ahead…

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Maybe the Dust Has Settled….some…

I have most of Chris’ things put away. I must say I know he really could care less but it is so good to see him in his own clothes and no name tags! It helps me – even if he doesn’t care!

I’m not quite sure what’s up with me and my emotions lately. I think there are two things that are way overrated – sleeping and crying. They both seem to be such a waste! I think of all I could get done during that 5 or 6 hours I spend in bed each night… and crying doesn’t change anything so why bother! But for some reason almost everything triggers tears lately – maybe it’s menopause related…maybe I’m just full and need to dump it all out…I don’t know but it sure makes me mad!

I have Chris’ notes stacked up so I can read them later a little at a time. I have learned so much about him from his stuff, things he liked and did. His writing is so deep most of the time. i am thinking about sharing little pieces of it here, but not sure yet if I want to do that or not.

Yesterday my friends, Connie and Randy, came over. He built a small deck for my patio so I can wheel Chris out there while I work in the yard.. they also hung some curtains for me and tilled up some more areas so I can plant more veggies! I’m heading to get some more seeds Friday! Then we ate some Long John Silver’s together. I was sitting thinking how awesome they are for hanging out with me…I only get to eat with other people once a week so it was really nice to sit at the table for a meal with friends! God has blessed me with great new friends! I enjoyed the fellowship so much! (And I’m appreciative of all they have done for us too…)

I’m hoping to be able to settle myself down to get some work done later. It seems I just want to sit, drink coffee and stare at th computer for hours… that doesn’t bring any pennies in either! lol! I gotta get motivated again – I feel like I just got swallowed up by life again…lots to sort through…

I have to wonder a lot about Job – knowing he didn’t have any idea upon rising that morning that he would lose everything including his children all that one day…but he kept breathing, kept working,and kept believing. His friends were no comfort and kept accusing him of sin while he maintained his innocence…I don’t come anywhere near his level of patience – or trust – but I am in the process of learning about Job’s type of steadfastness…just keep moving – life isn’t going to stop whether I want to get off or not! It just keeps grinding along…not even waiting for me to catch up! We never know what will be placed on our plate in a day – or how high it will be piled!! We just have to keep moving toward the cross, pursuing Him, and dying so that He can live in us…that’s reall the essence of life anyway —

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