Posts Tagged challenges
Once again I seem at a loss for words. I keep wanting to get my dreamer out…but I am afraid to since I really do not know what to expect. That’s one thing that is turning out to be an essential element in life…dreaming. It’s what is missing with Chris – he has no dreams, no aspirations right now. And since I have no idea when or where or even if everything thing will ever be normal again I really am limited in what I can dream.
Oh there are lots of things going on; good things too. I cannot and would not deny those things. I have had many opportunities especially lately. And I guess if I concentrate real hard I can come up with some dreams inside those boundaries. I have had the opportunity of teaching via skype in Pakistan and now teach in an English school where I have mostly Russian and Brazillian students. Who would have guessed those opportunities would ever occur? I also get to join in services with my friends in Indiana on Sundays – that’s a real blessing…gotta love skype!!
But somehow there can be this major disconnect. My new norms are not normal to everyone else. And even the things we get to do are not done like anyone else. I guess this hits home on days like yesterday. Everyone else jumped in their vehicles and ran to my sister’s house. I planned on going but watched the weather closely. There’s no way I can stand out in rain or cold with Chris and try to get him in the car safely. I did finally get a break in the rain and we headed out. For most rain is not really a difficulty…you just move a little faster going in or coming out of the house. It’s not like that with Chris he moves slowly all the time! And even though he is getting easier and easier to transport – it is such a challenge just to go somewhere.
It’s kind of like I have this choice. I know no one can come and rescue me or make anything better…so I have to decide am I gonna have a pity party and just sit here? or am I going to suck it up and make a difference? I just have to not think about it – just get up and follow Nike’s advice – just do it!
Getting ready to go somewhere is like holding your breath on a thrilling ride at an amusement park. I have to just suck it up and do all it takes. I cannot think about anything – just get it all together and get out the door. Once I do – it’s not usually as bad as I thought. Of course some of this is because I have gotten stronger over the last 18 months and also learned a new way to get Chris out of the car when he doesn’t budge! – that happens mostly when we get home and there is literally no one here to help. Chris is worn out from the trip and offers no assistance!
I guess I kind of figured this out in my finances too. I heard a quote once that said tears will get you sympathy but sweat will bring you success. When I heard that I was even more determined to roll up my sleeves and figure out how to work. God has certainly ordered my steps and right now I’m not doing too badly. My lights are on, food on the table and the rent is paid! Why complain? Once I sucked it up and got busy working and finding work to do online – it all opened up.
My emotions are still all over the place. I have to wonder if they will ever level out. At times I can pretty much turn them off and just perform the tasks I have at hand for the day; but other times they try to get the best of me and drag me down. I cannot bear seeing Chris like this — knowing who he was and all he used to do. It’s like I get bogged down and I’m at a stand still. Grieving the loss – but can’t let go. When I crash like that it sets me to scrambling to find the off button. I like having them off more than on… it’s less distracting to my work! lol!
Don’t take me wrong – Chris is progressing and for that I am ever so thankful. He is going very fast for how far out he is.. and he’s doing more every single day. And I just hold my breath from day to day…sorting through emotions and thoughts and wondering what the next day will bring…sometimes what the next moment will bring.
It has been amazing to watch how God has supplied our needs through the last 3 years. I would have never dreamed of all the opportunities He has opened up. And I must say that I am curious as to how it will continue to unfold. I have so many ideas of things I want to do so that I am not just working for the other guys. (not that I mind!)
I know I am pretty much rambling… welcome to my head! lol! All in a nut shell I guess I’m trying to say that there comes a time in a tragic situation where you just have to suck it up and make the best of whatever you’ve got. But that never means you’ve given up hope. EAch day I face adverse circumstances and all sorts of trying choices that must be made on behalf of someone who cannot tell me what they want or need…so since he is still breathing and there is still life in his being.. I just keep hoping. Do I battle with thoughts that he will never come back? Yep – constantly. Do I believe that there is a chance Chris can come out of this…absolutely! But it’s not faithless to deal with what you see today.
So I will keep sucking it up – and pressing into one more day to see what it brings for us. Maybe one day – it will be very different. And maybe it won’t. But I will always have hope. Faith, hope and love….these three remain.
I am not sure where I will even start here… my emotions are all over the place… you should recognize that by the silence of the pen. When i am totally overwhelmed I do not write – I know – backwards…but just the way I am. Since I don’t know quite where to start I’ll just jump in.
Yesterday I was totally surprised…like a real surprise – don’t think anyone ever got me this good. My friend Prophetess Mary from Indianapolis had requested a skype meeting at a certain time. Which was really odd…but I agreed. While we were “chatting” this group of people walked through my front door being led by my daddy carrying three pizzas. I was like “what the….?” To keep it short basically my friend Mary and my daughter Ronella had collaberated and came up with a big surprise “minister’s appreciation” party for me! It was quite amazing that they pulled it off using facebook and texting! lol!
I just kept thinking that I was so unworthy of such a party. All that was going through my mind was how I felt I had given up on ministry…I really want a new definition on that term…I think some of my trouble is of course from the abandonment I have felt…as far as how the journey has been too long for the “church” to help me carry the load…I’m better off for it though.. I’ve said before – Chris and I were the church’s test…and we fail miserably. And I fail miserably… I have wanted to give up on literally everything…everything…and all of the hopelessness and faith-lessness kept going through my mind.
Don’t get me wrong – I felt very appreciated and loved and it was an amazing experience that I will not soon forget! I very much appreciated it…I just couldn’t get past my own inadequacies…at that point. But when you get to the end of this post (if it goes like I think it will…) you’ll see what actually happened in teh spirit realm because of this spark they started yesterday….
So today I was still struggling with my “supposed to’s…” you know…
supposed to write
supposed to sing
supposed to write music
supposed to teach
But I keep getting hung up on where I am at. As my thoughts captured me and I fell into a pity party and got back around to all those questions about dreams… did He give them or did I make them up myself… type questions…I had this thought – why would He speak things into me and not plan on them happening? I shook it off though – it couldn’t have been God! After I thought about it a little bit I just got plain mad…then totally depressed. How could He expect me to fulfil the call He placed inside of me from here? Inside the furnace…inside the cave…inside this prison…?
So I took Chris for a walk through the park. He hated it.. toned out on me (I think the wind bothered him) I told him I was sorry but we both needed some sunlight. (I hadn’t been out since last Monday)…When we got back I let him lay down for a nap and I jumped on the treadmill for a quick training run…by the time I got off…I was okay. My conclusions?
I decided this is where I am (..deep huh?) I can either let it be my prison or figure out how to be free while bound. Unless God performs some big miracle (which honestly I doubt at this time…) this is it. I have lived the life I was going to live and now the rest of my days will probably be spent taking care of Chris and making sure that when I am gone he is okay enough to be cared for easily….that’s just the way it is. But that does not mean it has to be my prison…
I will figure out how to take him places. It is very difficult on my own – but as he is getting better (and is getting amazing at getting in and out of the car ) I have to get out… I’ll figure out how to not let the stares get to my emotions… and how to not let his deformities eat at me as people walk by and I wish he could walk or talk like them again… I’ll figure out how to get past the emotions of hearing music and longing for him to play one more song…I’ll figure it out! I don’t know how yet – but I will!
So I decided that since God put some stuff in me and wasn’t going to change His mind no matter how I pouted or fussed or refused…I better get busy. So I am trying to get to writing agian… probably a real weak attempt – but hey – it’s an attempt….
So I sat here tonight thinking about how this will not be my prison…and some of the things I can do to start getting Chris out…and try to do it without fear… which isn’t going to happen…but in the fear I am determined…to find a way to keep this prison from imprisoning me…and to know God outside the church’s weak walls. I do not want to read the word anymore and make it fit our organized religion…I’m hoping some parts will start to make more sense without my religious jargon….
So this morning while joining Prophetess Mary at her gathering in her home via Skype….and the Lord pulling at my heart and me trying to pull back as hard as I could…I kept thinking about how I don’t want to do music, or teach, or preach (or share if you do not believe in women preachers! lol — too late!)…And the birthing I went through all day long to come to a sense of peace in it all… from here….
Only to have my friend from Pakistan hook up with me via Facebook…(instigated by Mary I am sure now…and Holy Spirit of course) and I am teaching via SKype agian in Pakistan this weekend….did I mention I don’t feel like teaching? lol…
So here I am getting ready to retire for the night…bolus Chris.. tell him how much I love him and how good he’s doing one more time today…and determining to live from here…somehow…some way. I simply cannot find it inside myself to think that God would put a bunch of stuff in me to do and tease me by not making it possible…so there has to be a way…from here. Sure it doesn’t look like I thought it was going to…but hey – I’ve been surprised at least once before!
This is getting tougher here. I thought it would get easier as Chris continues to be awake and alert. He is so responsive and pretty well awake all day everyday now. That’s the good news. However, I am having to do some major adjusting and second guessing to know what he’s going to do next. He gets his timing off and I have to be a step ahead of what he’s planning…this is not a complaint mind you — just stressful!
He will stand and turn too soon. That’s good because he’s thinking ahead and bad because I have to be ready for him to turn and sit whether or not I was ready for him to or not. Things like that keep me jumping! Then he won’t do anything the help the next transfer!! It’s a huge scary guessing game right now!
Today I took him out to his sister’s house and he was so relaxed I was barely able to get him out of the car. I am so sore! I wrestled with the chair (which I am getting better at!) and then with him. When I got him back home he did the same thing he is trying to stand but absolutely no tone makes it nearly impossible. Thankfully I have paid attention at all the places he’s been and remembered a technique I saw for transferring way back at Touro in New Orleans. I used it to get him out of the car and into his chair. But then at the bedside he didn’t stand up all the way before he turned to get on the bed!! I’m exhausted! lol!
His improvements are amazing but emotion for me. Yesterday when he made the chord on the guitar I couldn’t contain the tears…I was so excited that it’s all still in there we are just in the phase where we gotta figure out how to get it all out again! And him being more responsive makes it harder emotionally (not a complaint!!!) because I miss him more. He will just look at me like he’s really there and wants to talk so badly…and my heart softens and breaks…
So it’s good – and it’s difficult. I never thought about progress having its own set of challenges! But boy does it…I have to try to figure out new ways to offer stimulus and how to work with him effectively. It’s like every day has its own set of guidelines now and I have to try to figure out what they are for the day and act accordingly making the most of whatever we have to work with for the time being!! No wonder I’m tired…
I am ready to go to bed and start tomorrow and see what we have to work with then… but there’s still too much to do today!
I’m learning that it’s the challenges that brings endurance. Without challenging our muscles they do not develop. STamina comes from going as far as you think you can go and then going just a little further…I never thought we would make it to here…But God is faithful. He has promised to restore and right now sometimes…I can see it in Chris’ eyes…that’s when mine fill with tears.
Here’s a picture of my “all there” Chris…