Posts Tagged blogs

The Doctor Comes Today…So What?

Yeah, they actually skipped coming last month so I figured they thought they’d get us in on the first and it would count for something. I used to get all these questions together before they come…now I just don’t care. It’s funny how repeatedly they can let me down until all confidence in them is gone…and they don’t even know..or care.

so I’m taking my new “friend” to take her dog to the vet this morning. It’s becoming an interesting situation with her. I go to two very different extremes about helping her this morning and I’m still trying to figure out how to balance it all out into something that makes sense. For one, I am really excited about getting help someone else!! But the flip side is that it takes the only time I have for my own errands! …then I feel guilty for being selfish at all…it’s crazy. It’s also a pattern with her that I will have to watch as she has called me 3 times now and each time “desperately” needs something…but hey – it’s still good to get to help someone else!

Chris is doing real good! I simply love taking our walks in the park each evening. But now I’ve kind of adjusted our schedule so that we get to spend a little bit of time out back in the mornings. I push him out on the deck Randy built and he sits there (of course!) while I talk to my plants and water them and pull weeds. (don’t tell me you don’t talk to your plants!) It is quite an enjoyable part of our day! I love seeing the wide variety of birds that come to visit the feeder and I keep a field guide here close to the computer to identify new sightings! It is just nice, you know?

Another good thing is that I have a new client too. I think I have actually become a writer! (shocking, I know…) I am having to discipline myself to keep up with the three clients that I have now. My ultimate goal is 5. I dont’ know why –that just sound right! It might be tough though. I think after I adjust to the increased workload of these three though I’ll be okay to go find another…It’s kind of cool, because if I can make a living like this eventually – I can live anywhere! …just a real freeing thought.. no plans of going anywhere!

It is difficult trying to get all of the things in for Chris each day and do all the writing too. I don’t want to cut back on the things I am doing with him just to make money.. but I don’t want to work with him sitting in the dark either! lol! I have stepped up his “home therapy” and I also keep him up a lot longer during the day. But I also had to start setting an alarm to get up at 2 in the mornings to turn him again. Minor schedule change! He’s doing so good! And really – that keeps me going!

I started a new bog last Sunday. It’s about how I am taking myself back. somehow along the way – taking care of Chris – I got lost…and I am on a journey to take myself back…to find myself once again…I think I’ll lik me when I get there! Check it out at www.ifieverfindme.blogger.com.

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Another Cup of Coffee

That’s what I do when I’m not real sure what to do. I am really enjoying blogging (I have three now) and I am looking at doing a couple more. Just as side notes and to generate a little extra cash. I am beginning to learn a little more about this huge information high-way that we call the Internet… you know the one thing we can no longer live without! Anyway, during these two plus years I’ve been doing a lot of exploring and I am just now kind of putting some of the pieces together. I am still kind of scared about jumping out there, I really don’t want to waste me time.

So sometimes I get another cup of coffee and stare at the computer screen…just thinking about possibilities and letting ideas (dumb ones too) run through my head. You never know when one of them may turn out to be a good one! That’s how I have spent most of today…just one more cup.

 It’s been so hard to find work online and as it’s starting to come together at least a little bit – or at least make a little sense – or at least seem just a little bit possible – I just think…and take care of Chris. As he is waking up he is requiring more time and that’s really a blessing. It just means I have to be even more disciplined to get things done.

so basically, I can sit here and worry about how things might not turn out and get absolutely nothing done, or I can get in there, roll up my sleeves and give it a shot. And there I go again with my emotions…time for another cup of coffee…and more thinking!

Several things have come together for me over the last few weeks. For one, I relinquished all my dreams…I have no plans except to take care of Chris for the rest of my life. And in the process of letting go it gave me clearer possibilities from here. And I also just kinda got comfortable with me. Yeah, I’m 50 and I am just now okay with myself! How crazy is that? lol! I can’t really explain it and I won’t go into a lot of details about some recent happenings…but the end product is that I’m just cool with me. And the funny thing is…I don’t really care if anyone else is or not!

It’s taken over two years for things to start coming together. All the work type stuff and other things too. For instance after this week we will finally all be in one place for the first time since Bubba’s wreck. I had stuff here in Oklahoma, some in Louisiana and some in Chicago. This weekend I’ll get Chris’ stuff from Louisiana and we will finally be at a leveling off place…that’s how it feels anyway. I am pretty mixed emotionally on it. You know, when it all first happened I had the illusion that he’d get better and then we’d go back to our lives. I wanted to leave all his stuff just like he left it…but it has all changed…including my relinquished future views…time for another cup of coffee! lol!

It’s funny though that it’s all come together at this one point (where that is I can’t really say) and I am more secure in Him and trust God more even though I do not trust Him the same as I did before. Like, before I was trusting HIm to take care of the ones I love…I expected He would keep them physically safe from harm and He did not. I cannot trust Him in that way anymore – and at first thought He’d broken trust. Then I looked further though and saw that He protects the part of us that cannot die…our soul. The very core of our being is safe in Him  So I trust Him on a much deeper level…I think I like it better. I am not presumptuous about what He is going to do or how He will do it…He really is God of my life…and I am at rest. Which only means one thing…time for another cup of coffee!

Care to join me?

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