Posts Tagged answers

Somebody Must Be Pregnant…

It’s a family joke that when I have a terrible day where things happen one right after another usually someone in the family ends up being pregnant! Besides that title sounded better than Mad as Hell…so as not to offend my real religious friends.

It seemed like every little thing was going wrong today you know – little things like light bulbs going out, knocking a chunk out of the top of my head while cleaning the back porch, weed eaters that don’t work, and the hammer falling out of the closet and hitting me right between my eyes on my forehead…for starters… just a lot of stupid little things. The trouble is that when I run all stretched out each one serves as a reminder that I have not yet removed a few choice words from my vocabulary! When I am already stretched to the max it does not take much, so today was just yuck.

On another note, the nurse called today and said she’s finally coming to see Chris tomorrow…for what I don’t know. I am all prepared to tell her that home health agencies that don’t care are a dime a dozen and I can make one short call to the Advantage hotline and have them in a whirlwind. It’s kind of a long story that has taken about 4 months to come together. So the short version based on what I have learned is that back in May when Chris’ PEG tube was malfunctioning all they had to do was put him in “home health” so they could replace it…instead they let me stew over how little he was getting to eat for a week before the hospital could “work him in” to get it changed.. that’s the short version of a very long trying story.

So a couple of weeks ago it had to be replaced again and they knew the site was infected and instead of helping me like they should we again had to take an alternate route to getting it replaced. I am leaving out details here on purpose… but I could make heads roll had I been vindictive. Anyway now he has a finger that he keeps all scrunched up and it looks really bad and I feel like I have no one to call. The dr’s office has been better but basically says they don’t handle it – whatever it is … if I can get a person at all. And of course the home health won’t touch him right now. I feel so stuck…I wish I was a millionaire and could pay for good care! But I’m not so I am sort of stuck. I feel like I am becoming a B….loaded for bear just daring someone to say the wrong thing! lol…

Why can’t people just do their jobs? And why can’t they do it with passion – with a heart? It seems like everyone just wants a paycheck; but they do not really want to put any effort in it – just work passively 9 to 5 and who cares about anything else? …just feel stuck and sort of out of options.

So my thoughts instinctively go to Psalm 127 where the psalmist spoke of God being my help. I even wrote a song about it back when Chris was in ICU. I know I will work through it somehow to end up in faith…but He doesn’t seem to be much help. There’s been no “miracle.” I pray for the place on the inside of Chris’ elbow to heal…and it grows worse and he grows combative when I try to put the braces on that can help him. The finger looks no better tonight and I actually am afraid since I cannot get any response that he could actually lose it. Yet I do not see God step in…why? What’s wrong with me? He has healed many crippled people before…healed lepers, the woman who touched the hem of His garment. Am I not reaching high enough, hard enough, long enough? My strength is gone…

Tonight I just feel so alone…so betrayed…but oh well.

I have a couple of orders that are rush orders so I have plenty to keep my mind busy late into the night. Just waiting…on what I am not sure. But God said when we wait for Him He will renew our hope and our strength. I know the 120+ in the upper room did not know exactly what they were waiting for either…but they knew when it came. So tonight…I just wait maybe He will answer.

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It’s Just A Wierd Day…so far…

I am not even too sure how to begin this post…it’s just been a strange, yet emotional, day…so far. Chris doesn’t seem to feel well and that always causes my emotions some strain. He’s terribly sleepy, but I remember giving him a Benadryl last night so that could be some of it. He has kept a low-grade fever though too..no cough – nothing apparent, just a fever.

So this morning when I got up I sat down with my cup of coffee. I actually sat in the floor situated where I could see my bird feeder that’s just off the patio. Questions were running through my mind like crazy…so many whys and why nots… You see, I’m supposed to start reading Luke now according to my little reading through the Bible in alphabetical order thing I am doing…but I just don’t want to read Luke; then Matthew…

I know it’s filled with all the stories of the healings Jesus did and just to be honest – it troubles me when I do not see Him do the same for my son…and that’s when all the questions started rolling through my mind. The old familiar frustrations were back – why would Jesus heal the one man with the withered hand and not my son’s hand…you know the drill! lol!

I know all the Bible stories too – you know how God went in to Egypt to get His people out and in the process He did all these might works…I can’t doubt them really, but for a minute I just wanted to ask if they were real…did they really happen? How do we know? Why did we need to know them, if He isn’t going to do the same today? Would He come after me? 

Then I thought about all the nations He wiped out…for what purpose? He is not so egocentric that He needed to wipe out those who don’t believe in Him to protect Himself…They didn’t bow down to Him…was that it? I can’t imagine serving a God (or a god) who feels the need to wipe out races of people because He’s afraid of them..can you?

Now I would never say I want to be like a harlot…but Rahab comes to mind. The residents of Jericho knew the Children of Israel would come and destroy them. She believed in God against her whole city…and she was spared. What about all the other Jerichoians? Couldn’t they have joined with her beliefs?

Just about the time my frustrations were getting the better of me (and I haven’t even shared all the latest on the doctor/nurses craziness I’ve endured… the recent cracks Chris has been dropped through.. the day-to-day stuff that led to this moment of insanity!!!)…This sole dove landed in the back yard…just one of them – and they are usually in pairs, but I have this one that comes to eat by itself.

The dove landed and it caught my attention. I just looked at it and wondered about the dove being symbolic of the Holy Spirit because of the way He descended on Christ when He was baptized by John the Baptist…and I just began to pray… here are the words to my prayer:

Holy Spirit I Need You
to come touch my heart and make it brand new
without You I really don’t know what to do
but I know I’m in desperate need of You!
And so I’m waiting…
I’m waiting here for You
to comfort…Wipe away the pain
and restore the joy like when you first came
 
Then I picked up the guitar and the song just came out. Now I realize that nothing in the natural is even minutely better…but just the asking for Him to come – brought comfort…like the simple request moved Him into teaching me, comforting me…or something I really cannot explain.
 

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