I have to admit I have an attitude most of the time. I’ve been known to walk around with a chip on my shoulder just daring anyone to knock it off. When I brought my son home and he finally got to the point that I could take him out it was an understatement to say I felt very self conscious. I have never been one who likes to draw attention to myself and this grown man in a bulky chair does just that. And of course – I can be very clumsy at times so I do things accidentally to make it harder to be inconspicuous.
In stores I often run into stuff and if I’m buying more than a couple of items his lap isn’t big enough and things get dropped! It’s actually quite the show. lol It’s okay – I’m used to it – I run into stuff at home too. I’ve finally learned the best way to navigate the stores is to push Chris in front of me while pulling a cart behind me. It’s not quite as awkward feeling as it was at first. We’ve done it long enough now that I feel funny when I go to the store without him and his chair.
I described these to say that I swallow a lot just to get out – but it’s getting easier all the time. I’m getting more comfortable with it and I don’t dread getting out like I did for a while. However, I notice that others are not always as comfortable with it as I am. I did have a worker at one store offer to push the cart or Chris for me the first time I went. But I declined as that was awkward and I would feel like I had to hurry. People stare — grown people at that — sometimes we get a nod of compassion. I always wonder what people are thinking when they look at us. Do they have a loved one that is in a similar situation? Do they think we should stay at home? Who knows – just like they have no idea what I am thinking about their blank stares or compassionate nods.
I have to say that I developed an attitude when we would go out. Some of it is bad, some of it is good. Sometimes I play through this scenario in my mind that someone says something rude and I punch them! lol – I go to town mad and ready for someone to just say something! In most instances no one says a word (lucky for them!). But we do catch some attitudes that I always choose to ignore.
Earlier this week I pushed Chris down to the grocery store on the corner. It’s a nice walk we just have to go early and not buy much. We get some fresh air and sunshine and grab a few items we are in need of. It’s actually a good little outing for us both. Here’s a pic of when we went the other day – I obviously bought too much!
I never know if I’m going to feel like I’m in people’s way or not – and I hate that feeling. But I think I’m sort of over the attitude part. I’ve gotten to the place that it really doesn’t matter. I know I’m not going to do anything on purpose to be in someone’s way. In most cases people navigate around us easily enough; but sometimes they cut in front of us quickly like they want to hurry – and yes – I am tempted to run them over – and on a bad day – I just might!
On the way to the store, we met a lady with a dog. I feel like we hog the sidewalk so I usually try to make a joke about Chris needing to lose weight. She stopped and talked and let her cute little doggie lick Chris’ nose! It was a pleasant conversation. Then the clerk at DG talked to me about her son who works with “people like” Chris. It was a friendly gesture and very nice of her to share. When we got to the Buy4Less the clerk actually spoke to Chris (guess we’ve been in there a lot!) she said, “good morning there!” It means so much when people go out of their way to speak to him as he is mostly ignored which I understand…..On the way back to the house I wondered if it was my attitude that made it a perkier trip. Who knows?
For so long I have felt so all alone on this journey even though I know I never am alone. It takes a lot of people to help me out here and there. People sit with Chris, help me take him somewhere or help out in some other way. For instance, there’s a church that sends us food, gifts and gift cards periodically. It’s helps so much and is such a blessing. Then there’s my friend PD who is always trying to get us out of the house. She isn’t bothered at all but she works in long term care. Which is actually a reason she could avoid us – too much like work! And the friend who called this morning to say he’s coming by one day next week to put something in my van to hopefully fix the air problem.
What’s my point? I’m choosing to see the positives instead of the negatives. While there will always be jerks out there – I am not going to let them steal my focus. I’m taking my thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5) and choosing to think of the positives – those who go out of there way to help us, speak to us and develop a relationship with us, rather than those who just put up with us or feel we get in their way.Their loss.