I’m really just trying to make some sort of sense out of the last three weeks. If I’m totally honest, I have to say that I really have not felt well all year long; but as is my usual fashion – I just kept pushing it and moving along. I’d had several signs and symptoms that something was wrong and I was most likely in need of medical attention. I hate going to the doctor – I have no idea why, but I just hate to have to take the time out and go. I also have a pretty poor track record of listening to them so why waste the time, money and effort, right?
Three weeks ago I got busted. My son’s nurse was here checking on him and noticed my severely swollen ankles. A quick blood pressure check revealed that it was at stroke level. I had already found a clinic here in town since I knew a visit was inevitable, so the next morning I made an appointment and went in. Boy did I get chewed out! They worked me over for about 2 hours! I left officially “under a doctor’s care.” And it’s pretty well gone downhill from there!
She told me to stop running, or at least do very little until I could get an EKG and some blood work. My blood work was all normal – nothing at all to worry about. But she also wanted me to do a stress test and she got it set up right away. I failed it. I finished it, but it showed some suspicious activity that could have indicated a blockage. She wanted me to stop running and see a cardiologist…I didn’t make it that far.
Last week, the chest pains intensified (probably just stressed out and worried about it all!) so I figured I would go in to the ER and let them check me, tell me I was okay and then I’d come back home. Oh, if it had only been that easy. Since I failed the stress test and the EKG they took as soon as I walked in the door was “abnormal” they admitted me. That afternoon, they did their nuclear stress test – which I promptly failed. I didn’t even make but 6 minutes on the treadmill and my blood pressure went so high I thought I was stroking out! So- they sent me for a heart cath — which showed absolutely NO blockages – talk about a huge waste of time~~! Not totally since I know there’s no reason to worry.
I learned a whole lot though. My daughter stepped right up and took over my son’s care – as well as mine! She wouldn’t let anyone bring me my computer – kept saying I needed to rest or some sort of craziness! lol They didn’t let me sleep much since they checked on me all the time, but I had some time to think. More on that later…
During my follow-up on Tuesday my doc (really a nurse practitioner) was talking to me about coping with stress. I still can’t run for awhile as I have to get used to the meds. She recommended that I get back to this blog as a way to get my emotions out – so that’s why I’m blogging. I went in with the full intention of doing what I was told – seriously!
All of that is to say I really don’t know what to say. I feel like every area of my life is broken and I am a failure. I’m behind on work and school and housework horribly and I don’t feel well enough yet to tackle it all. I’m not even sure where to begin or what to work on first. I’m sure I’ll figure it out.
So where am I with God? And faith? I honestly have no idea. I wish I could share some great testimony about how I’ve been able to hold on to faith and God miraculously throughout the storm, but I can’t. I do not blame Him for everything being broken – but I certainly don’t feel Him. My head says He’s still here – He still cares – but my heart just wonders why.
Doc asked me if I ever feel helpless. I answered honestly, “everyday.”