Things are actually going pretty good and I’m seeing a lot of progress in Chris of late. Actually, I’ve been thinking today and looking back at some of his recent pictures and it helped me realize how much progress he’s really made in just the last few weeks. He’s interacting more and today I’m so very confident that he was saying “mom.” I was working at the computer (as usual) and he was behind me. He made a noise that sounded sort of like “mom” but I thought he was fussing because he had to cough like normal. He made the exact same sound again – I looked at him and he was looking right at me. I walked over to him to see what he might need and he did not make the sound again– pretty sure he was purposefully trying to say “mom” to get my attention. He has also been interacting more with my grandkids. They are trying to mimic some of the things I do like put his feet back up on the chair – and he’s watching them as they try to move his legs. He even kicked for them the other night… so why do I still bottom out?
I really don’t know why my emotions can just drop out and leave me stranded like they do. Over the last few months I’ve come up with some strategies to help out – like changing up my day or my plans as soon as I realize I’ve hit a wall. Today wasn’t too bad – but I just didn’t feel productive when it comes to my actual work. Tutoring is okay – I always get that done of course – it’s the writing that I get behind on and just can’t seem to keep up. There is absolutely no motivation sometimes to get things done. Today I felt so un-productive!
But then I thought about it for a while and realized that what I should really be concentrating on is all I have got done today. That helps a little. Another thing I have worked on is concentrating on working on me – I help everyone else but I forget to take care of me. I’m mostly talking exercise here. It’s the one thing that gets cut first when I’m in a time crunch but I’ve re-prioritized it. I feel some better but have a long way to go to actually be better physically.
So tonight while I was on the treadmill I was thinking about all these crazy thoughts that go through my head. I’m afraid of everything. Really. I’m afraid I’m getting Chris out too much; or that I am not getting him out enough. I’m afraid I’m pushing too hard; or not pushing him enough. I am afraid to be more social; and afraid not to be…and the crazy thoughts just run through my head. I thought of the scripture in I John 4:18 – perfect love casts out all fear. When I was in the organized religious world otherwise known as the “church” I taught that perfect love could be translated as “mature.” Mature love would be a love that is returned. When we know God loves us, and we learn to love Him back – it’s perfect, or mature. But that’s not what I was thinking about…
I have no doubt that the Word of God is true which means that if I have fear – my love for Him has not yet matured. The scripture is plain – perfect love casts out or gets rid of all fear. It doesn’t say it helps you manage fear better, or keeps fear in control. It says that when our love for Him is perfected – it runs away all fear. Now I am a logically minded person – so logically this means that if I have fear – my love is not perfected toward Him. Which raises yet more questions…
How can I trust Him again? I trust Him on some levels but can I recklessly abandon myself to Him once again? He allowed the things to happen to my son; and basically – he is gone. Unmercifully, his body is still here struggling – but he is not who he was before the wreck. Many lives changed on that day – too many to name. How can I return to trust? I know I have to start where I am – and that is not an all bad place. I totally run to Him and seek for His answers on a daily basis. I have not abandoned His word – and never will….But I honestly have trouble trusting Him with everything. It seems to me that this is precisely what messed everything up to begin with! (smile)
So for today – I don’t know how to get the fear out of my heart but as I walk through this burning furnace called life I will set my heart to understand Him more, to follow Him more closely, and to let Him cast the fear out of my heart.