I keep saying that I am going to post to this particular blog every night before bed. My mind is sometimes very full that time of night, even though my body is too tired. For the caregiver there are just tons of things that can go down in a day – and it changes from day to day so you never know quite what sort of mix you are going to get.
Today is crazy already. I tutor ESL using Skype and this morning my first student informed me they had some “urgent meeting” to attend so they canceled class. It’s okay though because I still get paid for the class when there is no advance notice. It just messes with my mind because I scheduled it. I tried to catch up on some research and laundry. I’m learning to make use of those times and do something that I didn’t have time for otherwise. Then my second student didn’t show for about ten minutes. I had just sent the “sorry I missed you” message and they showed up. I asked them if they wanted to finish out the remaining 20 minutes and they did. Then they said they had fallen asleep (it’s 8:30 AM here but 9:30 PM in China). All I can think of is how I get up early enough to juggle changing and feeding Chris while getting the sleep out of my eyes and stick to my schedule so I can be at the computer on time — and you’re SLEEPING? I get up at 5:30- to get everything done. Thankfully I don’t have real early classes right now – that’s helping me get a bit more sleep.
Then Chris is not feeling too well. O2 is fine but he’s breathing fast. He pulls his legs up a certain way when he is uncomfortable or hurting — he’s doing that. I get stressed because I don’t know what to “fix” to make him better. Then I fall into this huge do I get him up? Do I let him rest? battle in my mind. Oh how I wish he could tell me something – anything! That way I’d know what to do with him – what to do for him.
And such is my day from 5:30 to 10 — still a long ways to go until I finish up this day and get in the bed tonight at 11:30 or 12. I have so much to do before I get there!
Days that start out this way make it so hard for me to keep my focus. It’s like a rough start opens up the flood gates of negative thoughts and rough memories of what’s gone before. I sometimes long for a “normal” life again. But I’ve become way too accustomed to my cave. I have been able to get out a little bit more the last week or so. I do recognize that I am becoming very content being alone – but I fear I am too content with it. I get really frustrated with what seems to be small things. For instance, I went to a church function Sunday night (yeah – I know and lightening didn’t even strike! lol). I looked through the church until I found the meeting room – that was easy – just no one bothered to say “go this way” or anything. Didn’t bother me but I noted it as interesting. Then I get to my table and my sister says “hi” to someone and says, “you know my sister Jeanie?” The lady said, “Yes, (chuckle) we are Facebook friends.” And kept right on walking. There was no attempt at conversation – no how are you – no go to hell- nothing! I came home and deleted her friendship — no loss we don’t communicate on Facebook either. I actually came home and deleted a lot of people. I figured if we don’t have a relationship even on Facebook what’s the point? These things seem small but when there is no socialization in your life and then that’s the reaction you get – it hits a little harder. And makes me withdraw a little further…Makes me think there is really something wrong with me and God put me in a cave to protect others from me or something! lol
But on a good note – I got a message today from someone who is planning on coming to see us this week. I’m very excited about it. I think the world in general has no clue as to what it is like to be locked away as a caregiver. You’re still equipped with all the emotions and desires of a “real” person – you just have to live it all out from a cave. Oh well – I’m getting used to it — and have settled in. Well, I’m going to go get Chris up and see what the rest of the day brings.. may check back in later.