Am I Contagious?

You might not want to read this post if you are looking for a pie-in-the-sky ending! lol. Seriously, I’m starting to feel like I have leprosy or the plague or something. Today has been one of those kinds of days. There’s a joke in our family (that will remain in our family) about these kinds of days. It’s been this way for years but when I have these kinds of days somebody is really usually pregnant. It’s happened too many times so be watching these posts in about two to three weeks for an announcement about who fessed up to being prego!

I always get up at 5 to check on Chris, change him and get a bolus in early. That way I don’t have to worry so much about reaching his calorie count as I’m a good 300 or so ahead. By 6 most mornings I am tutoring English to my Chinese students via Skype. Depending on the day this occurs from 5:30 to 9. Some days that’s solid but some days it’s just 2 or 3 students during that time frame. Today I had 2 students scheduled; one from 6-7 and another from 7-8. That worked out great for today since the mostly new aid (who hasn’t been here since Thursday, February 6) was coming at 8 o’clock. Somehow I had this way beyond reality dream that I’d get my first outside run in this year — well….

My students didn’t show on Skype and the aide didn’t come or call either. I called the wound care clinic at 9 to get an appointment on any  day but Friday – with any doctor but the one we used before – but the only spot they had for new cases is Friday with the same doctor. So I’m already tensed up and praying Chris’ thumb heals up before Friday so I can cancel the appointment. (But miracles seem to be running pretty short around here.)

Then I  can’t get my assigned group members to email me back on our project that is due now just one week from tomorrow. And this is all before noon! Chris has a rough day. He ate good at breakfast but had difficulty at lunch. I gave him a breakfast shake that used real milk for a change and I think that he is really having difficulty with milk products. So I have to regroup there again!

My whole afternoon is pretty much arranged around my math student who comes at 4:30 for tutoring. I either have to get Chris in bed early enough to get him back up before 4:30 – or keep him up late enough to get him up after tutoring. I opted for the middle of the road approach for today. But I also have to consider that on Monday’s I have a Brazilian student via Skype at 7. Chris’ feeding has to fit just perfectly between the two. Anyway – the 4:30 didn’t show up either!! I’m like — are you kidding me? Not only is all this a major inconvenience, I’m losing money!

In between all this there was a huge matter I was having to chase down that I wasn’t supposed to even be worried with at all. But now I’m chasing paperwork and mechanics and how to pay for stuff that I thought had been paid for already. There were several things I had been led to believe were already taken care of and today I found out none of it had been done. That’s right- none of it. Now I have to inconvenience another whole set of people to do things that were supposed to already be done! I’m like Jeez…. Let’s just say I’m frustrated!

Here is the part you really might want to skip. As usual I am just laying it all out there. (Hey this blog is cheaper than therapy! – maybe I should have titled it that! lol) So this morning on Facebook a few of my friends were posting that loved ones or family members had wrecks on the ice. I always pray for the person in the wreck and the families involved because I know how devastating those tragedies can be. I pray in sincerity and in hope that God does see fit to keep loved ones safe. But the other part of me gets sort of upset when He does it. Then I get mad at myself for being that way. A friend posted this (and they were totally right ) “Here’s a picture from so-and-so’s wreck this morning. God was really with him!” And He was… and I am very happy that they are safe. But my thought when I see statements like that is always something like “but He wasn’t with my son…..” (…and now the church police are going to arrest me! lol)

I know God protects and we should be so very thankful — but how do we remain thankful when He doesn’t protect? I mean what am I supposed to do with that? I am very happy they are okay – don’t take me wrong – but I wanted my son to be okay too. And he’s not. He’s here. But he’s not. I remember waking up in the SICU waiting room wishing I was awakening from a bad dream that was all too real. But it was real. For a short while I kept thinking maybe God was going to come riding in on a white horse and make everything better – and raise my son up so we could praise Him for the great miracle…but He did not.

I refuse to lose heart now. I’ve seen Chris come from mostly unconscious to being vocal and arguing with me with his eyes. He looks me in the eyes and I see him still in there…somewhere. I will not stop fighting – pushing, and moving forward. But there are these kinds of days that really make me wonder why we are even still on this earth…you know? What’s the whole point? And specifically, why am I still here? And why does no one want to come near me! lol — am I contagious or something? I really think I’m okay and all of these crazy emotions might be settled down by tomorrow….but if not – we’ll give it all another shot then. It’s like living life on hold. Whether I walk alone or with a huge crowd – I intend on fulfilling what He has put in my heart to do. Now as soon as I get my faced washed and get myself gathered back up (and find out who is pregnant) I will be right back on task starting all over tomorrow. Why?

Remember my affliction and my bitterness, the wormwood

Surely my soul remembers and is bowed down within me.

This I recall to mind, therefore I have hope.

The Lord’s lovingkindness indeed will never cease,

For His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,

Therefore I have hope in Him.

The Lord is good to those who wait for Him

to the person who seeks Him

It is good that he waits silently for the salvation of the Lord.

Lamentations 3:19-26

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