My chamomile tea has become a nightly ritual. Just before bedtime I bolus Chris, change him and make sure he is comfortable. Then I load the dishwasher, switch the laundry around and head to bed with my cup of perfectly blended chamomile and mint tea. I like this arrangement. And since I found loose leaf dried chamomile and mint I mix it together and it makes the perfect bedtime drink. Just a side note though, don’t put too many of those cute little chamomile flowers in it – or you will be up through the night since it has a diuretic effect as well as a calming one. lol
I usually bring my tea and my kindle to bed with me and I will read or play a game or two and try to unwind. But today is a very reflective day for me. My former mother-in-law passed away last night.Death has a strange way of stopping our typical day and making us think a little more. One note is that I am sure she only left time to be born into eternity. And as I told my daughter last night – Jesus is holding her real close because He’s been waiting for her for a long time!
Still it makes you think about your life. Or at least it has me. I wonder what others will remember about me when I’m gone – or if they will remember me at all. And I’ve been thinking about my life in general. I think of the song, “It is Well with my Soul.” Even in this furnace life has me in – I know it is well with my soul. And even more comforting is that I know it is well with my kids’ souls too – including Chris. Even though his body and brain are broken or not working right – his soul is just fine.
Even though I see my daughter grieving her grandmother’s passing I know there is comfort there for her as she knows all is well with her grandma as well. It really helps to know that your loved ones are believers.
So all this is running through my head along with just the normal day’s stuff. Boy, it’s a busy place up there! I think about what I got done today and not what I left undone and waiting until tomorrow. And I am also very thankful that the doctor actually called in an antibiotic for my son. That’s a rare thing around here. But the site around his tube is infected again. It is kept clean and so I have no idea why it keeps getting infected. It is certainly frustrating and I feel like a huge failure each time something like this goes wrong. I don’t know what I think I could do any different, but it is frustrating nonetheless.
Isn’t that just part of being a caregiver? We get stuck in these vicious cycles and get trapped. There will always be something. Trust me – always. I know it is not good to deal with superlatives, but there are sometimes when they work properly and now is one of them. It seems like I just can’t catch a break. And really, this is one reason I chose to write here tonight. I have to break the cycle.
I can get depressed very easily (also a very common caregiver problem). And doing something different is one of my strategies. The trouble is that I have to catch it early on or I get sucked into this inescapable vortex. It’s really complicated and there are so many factors. Running is one way I stay sane – but if I don’t stop the oppression or depression early on it can even take away that desire. Of course that is complicated too – I was so looking forward to getting outside to run at least one day this week. But the new aide got ill and won’t be back until next week. I haven’t run outside since December 18. I’ve actually only been out to the store for groceries and necessities about 3 times since then.It gets crazy!
So I sit here sipping my chamomile tea and waiting for sleep to come. And I think. God is not one to “repent” of the things He’s said. He does not “revoke” gifts or callings according to Romans. So there must be some way that He intends to get glory out of this present situation. While it is certain that being a caregiver is not a glorious position and no one is likely to tell you “thank you,” He has to be serious about getting glory. I guess I got to this point from the scripture where the disciples asked Jesus in John 9 why the man was blind; and whose sin caused it. Jesus said that no one sinned to cause it but that it would manifest the glory or works of God.
With that in mind, I have to think that somehow – somewhere at some time – God will get glory from Chris’ story. It certainly doesn’t look like it from here and it really doesn’t look like I thought it would – but He can get us to that place. He will get glory somehow. Hopefully, He will allow my voice to be used to sing His praise when it’s all said and done.