I’ve noticed that over all my day can be tied to how Chris does. When he is having a good day, I am more upbeat and energetic. But when he has lower performing days I can get discouraged more easily. Some of that is because I just want him to be better and I love seeing the progress. I forget that with a TBI you can be making fine progress with no visible evidence for a while. Lately since he has been sick I struggle more with various emotions. Today as I was thinking about it I realized that for the most part I deal with some emotions pretty much every single day. That does not mean that they have mastered me in any way. Nor does it mean that I have totally figured out how to control them. I’m just saying that every day, day-in day-out I have to deal with these emotions: depression, loneliness, and rejection.
In this morning’s devotion for caregivers (www.dailydevotionsforcaregivers.blogspot.com ) I penned this statement, overlooked by church and society. And many times those feelings are very real. I still find it interesting of all the churches who know about our situation absolutely none of them reach out to us for fellowship. I think that I really do not miss the politics of today’s church but I do miss fellowship. I think some of that is because we are not all “down and out.” But I refuse to be the victim in this story! I will make it. But the absence of others does weigh on me from time to time. I’m not saying it’s something that matters – just that it’s something I deal with. That can be difficult for someone whose love language is time.
I really battle daily with depression. It’s a constant struggle to keep from being swept under its awful tide. I have mentioned that I have developed some strategies to help combat it and they really seem to be working. I still have some days where I am susceptible to getting sucked in but usually I can manage to hold my head up. I can find things that I am thankful for everyday. Even some of the things that can be a burden. For instance, I can get behind on my work and become very overwhelmed. But in that moment I choose to be thankful that I have work to do from home so I can take care of my son like he deserves.
I’m actually getting pretty used to being alone. And I do not even watch TV much any more either! I am quite alright with a quiet house now. I don’t need to be entertained. I’m really not too sure why or how some of the things that go across the screen are considered “entertainment” anyway. I’ve actually been better since I turned it off. It does me no good to watch others seek to fulfill their lives when mine looks nothing like “normal” of any sort. And I’m okay with that…finally.
I realize that it really is up to me how I run this house. I can be all down in the dumps, depressed and woe is me! And get absolutely nowhere fast. Or I can suck it up, refuse to be the victim (although I am and I would have that “right” if I wanted to…) and figure out a way to get through all this with my faith in tact. Honestly, even in the midst of the struggles that is becoming easier. I’m not sure why.
I guess my point is that the struggle never ends just because a day ends. It’s constant day-in and day-out. It’s just that some days it is easier to work through than others. The point being I always get through it.. and I always run to Him. Really, where else would I go? He has been my refuge in the darkest night and the longest storm and He never grows weary or faint. I am very glad for that because I honestly do. I wonder if Daniel ever got tired and just wanted to go home. I’m sure Joseph did. They endured very long, difficult journeys of faith as well. So I will consider those who have gone on before and how they endured their afflictions and did not give up on God nor His promises even in the midst of their fiery trials. I will continue to hold on to the One who preserves and protects my soul – my mind, will and emotions. Tonight as I prepare to get my 6 or less hours of sleep, I will whisper Psalm 35:3 from the depths of my heart: Lord, say to my soul “I am your salvation.” And I will wait for Him…in the furnace…