Here it is another day’s end and I feel like I’ve totally failed…this is a common thing really. In reality, I am caught up with all my clients presently and my classes don’t start until tomorrow so there’s no way to be behind! But there are so many things I really want to work on like writing my own ebooks, starting my newsletter back up and things like that. The day just gets away from me.
Most nights I feel like I didn’t do enough with Chris too. Today he had a lower day which is very typical of brain injuries. He had a couple of really good days then it’s like his brain has to rest to continue healing. No matter how used to it I am these lower days still bring me down. I try to encourage myself by looking at how far he has come and how much better even his “low” days are. He still ate good and responded – was just tired. It just wears on me that’s all.
Then there’s the aide! Ugh! I have decided to just suck it up and hate every minute of her being here. I figure the problem has to be with me. But it would really be much easier if she just didn’t come I think. She really helps with Chris’ laundry and is starting to learn to feed him. OH, and she loves to run errands — that’s what is driving me crazy!! When do I get to go to the store? I’ve switched back to ordering everything online and I only send her when there is something that simply has to be done. She really does not get that I am in this house 24/7 and I need out! I want to buy my own bananas! lol — and I really don’t want someone buying my shampoo or personal items. So I order online…again!
I’ve tried to explain to her that I really only need the 4 hours of respite I am allowed and that everything else is really secondary. But right now even if she was comfortable staying with Chris – I’m not. She did a couple of things that just made me scratch my head and wonder what she would do if I was gone. Not bad things but well, just inappropriate. For one when she was feeding Chris he got real tired. He only had a few bites left so he had eaten most of his breakfast shake. I told her he was tired and that’s a sure sign it’s time to quit. She kept feeding him – I just let her struggle trying to get him to eat…I watched closely to make sure that she wasn’t doing anything that was going to hurt him, of course. Then I was in the kitchen and I turned around and caught her thumbing through some books and papers on my kitchen table. She laughed and said, “I’m nosey.” I thought – you’re about to get fired! or Shot! lol
I cannot expect her to understand my situation – but I do wish that aides understood this is my home – not just their “place of work” – She enters after knocking – but without me even going to the door – why do aides do that? I really am trying my best to give it this week before I just say “no more aides.”
tomorrow is another “start over” day for me — I have those a lot it seems. I’m trying to get in bed early and get more sleep as I understand it might help some with depression and overeating. I have got to get a handle on this. No one can do it for me!
It’s these times when I am overwhelmed that God can feel so far away. People are too for that matter – but I’m used to that now. I realize that no one is going to walk my walk for me – just like I cannot walk it for Chris. But I can walk it with him, and I intend to. I also know that God has not abandoned us. He is walking through the furnace with us. No matter how long it has been and no matter if we see an end in sight or not; He continues to walk with me. I have to hold on to that since I am supposing that the rest of my life looks pretty much like this. He has to have a plan; and I do not have to know what it is!