It’s been a little crazy around here the last few weeks. I had an aide who didn’t really want to do anything at all. I actually have a picture of him sleeping in my recliner! Now I have a new aide but she is still not comfortable with being here alone with Chris. Not all that important, except that it means I’ve been stuck inside for over a month except for a couple of races and a couple of runs where a friend watched Chris for me – out of pure kindness! And yes, I do have cabin fever. However, I am seriously trying to deal with it constructively. For one thing I turned my bedroom into a mini-gym. This takes away any excuses and offers me a quick outlet if I get overwhelmed…which can actually be very often.
Anyway – I took Chris out to the grocery store the other day since he needed a few items. We use a bus system which helps the elderly and disabled get out and about. The buses have the special lift so that it can handle chairs easily. Getting him out can be a very challenging experience both physically and emotionally. It does seem to be getting better; and he seemed to really check the store out so I think it provided a very good stimuli for him.
We only needed a couple of items and the bus wasn’t coming back for an hour. So I just pushed Chris around the store looking at stuff and talking to him. When we got to the drink aisle, I got a little upset. It was only because I was not sure exactly what Chris would have wanted to drink. I was saddened to think that I could not remember those little details. I know it does not matter too much but it still really bothered me. I wish I could remember every tiny detail – and more.
Not too long ago I found Chris’ old video camera and I watched all of his home videos. There was some really good footage and then there was some silly stuff too. It was so good to see him like he was before the accident. But it was very difficult too – seeing him walk, talk and do all the simple things we take for granted. I was upset that I’d forgotten his unique movements like the way he used to do his hands or make crazy expressions. I wish I had a video of his whole life so I wouldn’t forget a thing.
I know that even as he gets better – he’ll never be exactly who he was before. But neither will I. I’ll accept Chris #2 just like he is and love him just the same – maybe more. It does not matter to me what his physical condition may look like – he will always be my son. I think sometimes God feels this way about us. If we are honest we can see that the church is far less functioning than it could be/should be. Personally, I am far less than what I should be in Him – but no matter what we look like to God – He will always call us His sons.