It’s been an interesting weekend and I started to not blog tonight but I had all these thoughts running back and forth in my head and this is a good place to put them and leave them! The weekend wasn’t bad although I did battle some with being lonely. I still have a really bad case of cabin fever and am trying to figure out what to do with this aide. It’s seems to be this vicious cycle. In my alone-ness I wonder how significant I could possibly be in the scheme of things. What will I leave behind when I am gone? Anything?
I’m not really one who wants to be noticed. Even recently when people were sending a lot of attention my way I sort of backed out and tried to be less visible. I don’t need accolades and I despise flattery. But I do want to know that I made a difference while here on this journey called life. And somehow in the mix comes all these questions about if I even matter to God. Honestly, I really struggle with this question sometimes because it seems as though He spent all these years developing gifts in me and Chris and now we are simply discarded. Were the gifts in us unimportant? Why did He bother giving them to us? We certainly do not live life like others get to. And we certainly can’t belong to a “church.”
That of course opens up another whole area that I’ve thought about this weekend to. Just because we cannot attend a service in a building that is called a “church” does not mean that we are not part of the church. That is one thing that has not changed- the question is how do I play a part in the real church if not inside four walls? I’ve always thought my role was inside and I am seeing that it is very different than what I used to think. Maybe more on that later…
In all the questions and wonderings this weekend though there are some good things that have run through my mind. Like I do not have to worry about what man thinks about me – there’s no one around to care! lol… seriously I have lost the need to please. My need to please God, my Father is greater – but I have no worries about pleasing man or measuring up to their ideals or expectations.
I have to believe that I am significant to God – or else He would not have created me – nor sustained me. I do think that we have messed up our ideas of church though. I am finding more freedom in my music of late too. Not that I am pursuing it too much anyway – but when I do play I do not have to worry about anything except my heart and His. That’s a wonderful freedom; and I do not think I would want to trade it back for leading in the public setting. It’s the way it should be – my heart singing to His listening ear – notes and melodies that He put inside in the first place freely flowing back to touch His heart….now that’s significant.