Today was not really a bad day at all, we actually got to get out. That’s really easy to say – but not so easy to do! My friend helped me so that I could go to a surprise birthday party for my BIL. Chris did not do anything spectacular – but I can really tell he is getting better at getting in and out of the car. He mostly just sits there and listens to all the crazy talk going on. He used to sleep or what I call, “clock out” when it was too much for him. Now he does not interact he just sits real still and seems uncomfortable – but he was awake the entire time so that’s good. It sure makes me miss him though. He could have everyone laughing at nearly nothing just by the way he would tell stories. It still hurts my heart to see him sit in a social setting and not move, speak or interact. But at least we were out for a little while.
We are going to try to go out again tomorrow night to another birthday party. It’s for my friend and it’s at a restaurant. We’ll just have to see how he does. I get so apprehensive about taking him out – especially in public like that. I get nervous about parking and loading and unloading him, how difficult it will be to get him in and out of the restaurant, will people stare… etc. And it’s important to note that just because a facility complies with ADA and makes it “accessible” does not mean it really is! But it will be good to get out.
So today I worked some this morning – I do a lot of things for work. I’ll catch you up a little bit – I am a freelance writer and am working on a couple of projects right now. I also teach ESL all around the globe. This morning I got quite a lot done. As I said yesterday I am trying to get myself back on track, so this morning I worked on my writing blog. That really felt good. I also worked on some bids for a couple of projects I’m trying to secure. I’ve really had trouble the last few months keeping up with work as I have honestly fought depression. Some of the struggle is actually coming from things going so good.. sounds funny huh?
As Chris continues to improve I have less of the big chunks of time that I used to have to complete work. He is getting up earlier now which is good since I have more time to get his therapy and exercises in – but I have less time to sit at the computer. I also decided that I must get my sleep – so I do not stay up until the wee hours of the morning anymore to complete projects. I may do that occasionally, but most of the time, I figure I can only do so much – and I’ll do all I can by 10 and that’s it for the day.
So this morning I got quite a few things done and taught one English class before time to get Chris up for his “first shift.” It rained too – and I opened the windows and enjoyed the fresh air. I was talking to Chris about how I missed just sitting out on the porch and listening to it rain while having a deep philosophical question over coffee. I just keep telling him I love him – and I do love him just like he is – even though I really wish all this hadn’t happened to him. I thought about all the stuff he used to do – drums, guitar, writing music, making jokes, etc. But I don’t love him for what he can “do” – I just love him – I thought about how we tend to love people for what they do not for who they are – or not just because they are. I think I know this from another angle too — when I can do stuff for people – I am “loved” but when I can no longer do those things I can feel like I am shoved to the side and ignored.
How do we treat people? Do we love them just for what they can do for us? Maybe we love God like that too…just sayin’. Do we love Him and praise Him when He is “doing” all the right things according to our thinking? Do we rejoice only when our bank accounts are full, we are healthy, have plenty of food and things are going great in our lives? Or can we love Him just because He is- regardless of what we think He “does” for us? On the surface it seems like a very simple question with a very simple answer. But it’s not really.
Job’s wife told him to “curse God and die.” She didn’t like what she saw and she measured God by life. I want to be able to praise Him no matter what He “does” in my life. When He is silent – I want to praise Him. When He seems inactive – I want to adore Him. When He didn’t protect me like I thought He should – I still want to trust Him. Like I said – easier than it sounds.